When January 1st, 2018 hit, I told myself this would be my year. I had made all these goals for myself and what I wanted to accomplish before I had graduated. I was entering my senior year and I was incredibly excited to be a semester away from graduating. I had also landed a great internship this semester and I was so excited to start working with hands on experience with my major. It was my first day of senior year and I felt invincible. I got up super early that day to do my hair and make-up so I could look nice. Then around 2:00 pm that afternoon, I got the phone call. One of my ex-boyfriends, Alex, had lost his battle to brain cancer and passed away. He wasn’t just an ex fling, he was my first true love. The news hit me like a train. He had been battling this disease for a while and he had fought so strong. The week before, he was in ICU and later transferred into hospice. My best friend, Brenae, had called me to give me a heads up that it was coming and try to prepare for it. But how can one really prepare for death? I sat in my bed numb as Brenae tried to tell me the news while crying. My first reaction was to start crying with her and I just kept telling her that I was going to come home and that I would be there in two hours it’s going to be okay. With it being the first week of the spring semester and it was going to be a hectic semester for me, I knew I had to stay and attend my classes. After long phone calls and crying with my loved ones, I decided to miss school for the rest of the week and attend his wake and funeral. While I was nervous I was going to get penalized by my professors for missing two days during the first week, I sent out an email to them and told them the situation. Every single one of my professors gave me all their love and support during this situation and I was very appreciative for them to do that for me. Grieving is not easy, especially when you are away at college and you’re feeling alone. Here is some advice for ones going through the grief of losing a loved one.
It is okay to not be okay
I felt if I attended his funeral, I would get the closure I needed and unfortunately, that was not enough. It has been two weeks since he has passed, and things are still hard to talk about and I still feel heartbroken and numb. I have been experiencing a lot of anger and when I hear someone complain over the littlest things, I tend to blow up on them and yell at them. Later I’ll apologize for my behavior and acting that way but unfortunately anger is part of grieving. When people, especially my professors, ask me how I’m feeling, I just say I’m taking it day by day. No one can be 100% prepared for death and the grieving. Grieving is a process and sometimes it takes awhile to let things go back to normal and that is completely okay! It is okay to not be okay. Remember that. Do not feel obligated to lie and say you’re fine, be honest and tell your friends and loved ones how you’re really feeling and let them be there for you.Â
When feeling down, try to think of the positive memories and the laughable moments of their lives. With Alex, he was the life of the party. He can walk into a room and put a smile on everyone’s face. So when I’m feeling down, I like to think of all our fun memories together and how he used to make me laugh over the littlest things. He knew I had a phobia of snakes. One time, we were outside in his backyard and he picks up a worm and goes “Hey Taylor, look its a baby snake”. I didn’t even fully look and I took off running ( shall I mention in a long maxi dress) and screamed as if I was getting murdered. I ran inside his house and he had caught up to me and couldn’t stop laughing and he later apologized for scaring me (and making me cry lol). That was one of my favorite memories with him because it just makes me laugh as I think about myself screaming and running away. Or the one time he actually got the manager at Target to call my full name on the intercom; he swore he could hear me yelling “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!” from the back of the store.Â
It is okay to cry
I will admit it, I’m a crier. I cry over cute puppies and the movie Titanic. But when experiencing death, it is okay to cry. Crying is healthy and good for you. Take some personal time to sit in your room and cry. Don’t hold back tears or feelings and let it bottle up inside. Take about 30 minutes out of your day and just cry. After the 30 minutes is up, go out and do something; go workout or go hang out with friends, do anything to bring happiness back and keep your mind off things.Â
Each person handles grief differently
Grieving is a strange thing, it makes you feel like you been hit by a bus and knocks you down hard. After any trauma or loss, there is no right way to grieve and it takes time to heal. When dealing with the death of a friend, ex-lover or loved ones, it absolutely sucks and it is not easy. But life will go on and things will get better. That may sound so cliche, but in time, life will get better. It is okay to feel angry and question why things happen, but don’t let the sadness defeat you. My mom has been telling me you have to go through all the steps of grieving to actually get over grieving and she is correct. Hitting each step is a milestone to accepting this fate.Â
You are not alone
If you are dealing with the loss of someone, you are not alone. Talking to others about your experience and feelings can really be beneficial. The strange thing about death is that it brings people together. Death lets people talk about losing someone and how it makes them feel. Finding a support group that is located at your school or even your friends can help you cope.When I feel really down, my mom will tell me the sun will come out tomorrow and things will get better. And it will. It is going to take some time, but it will get better. Your loved one wouldn’t want you to grieve over them forever and be miserable, they would want you to find your happiness and get better.
Take time to take care of yourself
If weeks or months pass by and you still feel like you’re grieving, Universities have counselors who would love to help you. They will give you tips on how to feel better or suggest things to do to get your mind off certain things. Keeping close friends during this time is a plus, too. Exercising such as walking a pretty path, riding a bike, or doing yoga can also help clear your mind and give you peace. If you’re like me, you love your baths. Taking a nice, warm bath with a bath bomb while watching your favorite tv show is the perfect medicine as well. It’ll start to hurt less each day. Eventually, the pain will be gone.Â
An important part of all this is to not let this get between you and your schoolwork. You have worked so hard to get into your dream school and achieve all your goals. Seek help from professors if you start feeling overwhelmed and counseling if the grieving impacts your life too much, or if you begin to think suicidal thoughts.
I think about Alex a lot since he has passed and how much he impacted my life. For starters, he was the reason one of my best friends met her husband and they got married. He impacted a lot of peoples lives; I’m happy to know that he maybe gone, but he will never be forgotten. He was one of my reasons I moved to Wilmington and now attend college down here. It was always my dream to live at the beach and to build a life here. Our last memory we had together was we came to Wrightsville beach with our friends. While walking the beach, we stumbled upon a little mailbox where you can write letters. When I had heard the news, I went to the beach and to that spot and wrote a little letter. Alex will forever be the first love of my life. He helped me in so many ways I don’t think he even knew. He knew how I could sometimes be too uptight and always stressed that life is way too short and to go out and do the things you love and to stop worrying about the little things. He had accepted me for the way I was, even when I acted like a total brat, and I appreciated that of him so much. I know my healing and grieving will take some time, but each day and day, I’m starting to feel better. He will be terribly missed but I am at peace to know he is no longer in pain and is tumor-free. I will always remember our memories together and I’ll hold them very dear to my heart. I thank him for helping me become the woman I am today. I’m sorry how things ended between us and how we turned into strangers over the few years. I know you’re looking down from heaven and I hope I’m making you proud. Rest easy angel, I’ll see you again.
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( This picture of us was the day when he scared me with the “snake” and the infamous maxi dress )
If you or anyone you know who needs help, please reach out to your school counselors
or
National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255
Grief Recovery Helpline
800-445-4808
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Darling, for you to feel this sad
You must have once felt so happy
And you will find that feeling again
And it will be beautifulÂ
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{Photos courtesy of yours truly}