We’ve all been there. You have a few drinks, and suddenly, things you’d never do sober become THE BEST IDEA EVER. Then you wake up in the morning with a headache and a ton of regret wishing you hadn’t had that fourth unnecessary tequila shot. I think just about every girl has that one bad habit we succumb to after a few too many dollar drinks at Libby’s, or after a couple of pitchers on a Tuesday at Scorps, whether it be as harmless as talking a bit louder than usual, or potentially hurtful, like losing all sense of balance.
But my personal favorite vice, and the one I am most guilty of, is the trusty drunk texting of the ex.
Modern day technology has given us a variety of social media platforms in which to connect with people we are better off staying away from. In this day and age, it’s almost impossible to not be able to get a hold of someone, meaning there’s many more ways of embarrassing yourself while drunk and lonely. You can send a pouty faced SnapChat, a Twitter DM sharing a photo of you two circa 2009 when you both had braces and believed in true love always, or an ineligible Facebook message (now that’s desperation at it’s finest) to your ex, all with a few clicks of your iPhone. It’s easier than ever to drunk contact your ex, meaning your dignity is never completely safe.
Here are the 14 Stages of doing the unthinkable drunk ex text:
1. The “Getting Drunk” Stage
(Because you can’t “drunk” text if you aren’t drunk)
So here’s the fun part where things are simple. You’re out with your friends having a good time, attempting to flirting with the cute boy from your seminar class and everything is great. You’re happy buzzed, but you decide to keep going, so you order another drink (or three).
2. The “Feeling Lonely” Stage
So now the night’s nearing it’s end, and cute boy from seminar left the bar with a bitchy looking girl with a loud laugh. All of a sudden, you find yourself standing alone in the crowd, and you start to notice something odd – you’re the only one going home alone.
(Or at least it seems that way)
3. The “Remember When” Stage
So all this alone time gives you some time to reflect. Remember when you were like that cute couple in the corner, whispering in each other’s ears and acting like you were the only two in existence? The time you stayed in bed all weekend eating pizza and laughing until you cried? Suddenly, it seems like THE END OF THE WORLD that you two are no longer together. (Even if two hours ago you could barely remember why you even dated them in the first place).
4. The “That Song” Stage
If you make it through the “Remember When” stage without sending a quick “hello” to your ex, then you have more self control that I ever have. Hopefully, by this point, you’re drunk, lonely and asleep in your bed. But if you aren’t, well there’s always a chance you’ll be standing there, alone, thoughts of a past relationship swimming in your vodka addled brain, when all of a sudden THAT SONG comes on. Now maybe it’s “your” song or the song that you danced to around his kitchen at 2am once, or something as stupid as a song you think you may have heard once in his car, but you aren’t really sure? But regardless, you hear the song and now you’re drunk, lonely AND sad.
5. The “Creeping” Phase
“Okay, I won’t text him, I’ll just go look at his page. See what he’s up to. Check out his latest tweets. WAIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU POSTED A CAT VIDEO? YOU HATED CATS WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER! Ugh, NEED to ask him about this ASAP.”
6. The “What’s the Worst Thing That Can Happen” Stage
So drunk, lonely and sad you pulls out the phone. You think, “Why not what’s the worst thing that can happen?”
(Word to the wise: whenever you’re drunk and have this thought GO TO BED. Because the answer – BAD THINGS CAN HAPPEN, BAD THINGS PEOPLE!)
7. The “Calm Before the Storm” Stage
“Okay, text sent. No big deal. This is fine. Whatever. It’s just a text. I don’t care.”
8. The “WTF Did I just Do” Stage
So now, it’s been a few minutes, and it’s sinking in. And all of sudden you realize – THIS WAS A TERRIBLE, CALOSSAL MISTAKE!
Seriously, it’s 2016 and no one has invented a way of cancelling text messages on an iPhone? Are you kidding me? RIP Steve Jobs, you would have known how to stop this.
9. The “Did He Answer (Do I Want Him To?)” Stage
So now you’re taking deep breaths, and you’re peeking at your phone every few seconds, because OMG HE MIGHT ANSWER! (But do I care? Maybe he’s sleeping? Do I want him to be awake?)
Whatever, I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.
OMG WHY HAVEN’T YOU ANSWERED ME?????
10. The “Text Him Again” Stage
This only applies if he doesn’t answer within an hour (or 15 minutes, or 3 depending on drunk you’s level of patience). And this is where things might get a little embarrassing. All of a sudden, your fingers are flying, and you’ve sent more texts than you’ll ever admit.
You: “Yeah I texted him a few times, silly me.”
Friend Trying to Be Supportive: “Well how many? Like 5?”
You: “Yeah like 5 … times 30.”
11. The “He Answers” Stage
Here it comes. Your phone lights up. SHIT. He answered. He isn’t dead. Oh dear.
12. The “No, I’m Not Drunk” Phase
Immediately following the reply, comes the inevitable – are you drinking? For some reason, I always say no, even though I don’t know what is more embarrassing – drunk texting your ex or trying to convince him that you’re sober on a Friday night at 2 AM and just wanted to say hi.
13. The “Conversation” Phase
For your sake, I hope it doesn’t get this far. I hope you don’t end up in a long two hour conversation that you’re far too drunk to properly participate in, but sometimes, it happens. Hopefully, you two just catch up, instead of fighting over whether or not he cheated on you with that girl in his Calculus class.
14. The “Wake Up in the Morning Feeling Like P-Diddy” Phase*
*If P-Diddy drunkenly texted his ex the night before*
AAAAAAND, here it is. The final stage. The end game. You saw. You texted. You conquered your dignity (your dignity is gone now, in case you were wondering, it’s funeral happened the second after you sent that 100th text yelling at him for liking a picture of a girl you both used to hate). Now you have a headache and a phone full of regretful texts to your ex that you can never take back. He knows you still think about him. My advice? Delete. No one wants to read about the embarrassing shit they said while drunk. TRUST ME.
Let’s be honest – everyone makes bad decisions sometimes. There’s no use beating yourself up about what happened the night before, because we’re young, and we’re supposed to be kind of stupid. And while no one likes the feeling of waking up with regret over the previous night, just know that things could always be worse. (Once I FB messaged my ex and cried to him about how he blocked me – he didn’t – .. FB MESSAGED!!!!!) So take it from me, everyone can be an idiot after 7 shots, a few beers and a couple too many drinks at the bar.
My advice? Don’t bring out your phone, or when you start feeling nostalgic hand it over to a friend you trust. Because your last relationship ended for a reason, and sorry to burst your bubble, but drunk texting probably won’t fix what’s broken.
Stay smart this weekend people!!!!