I find that sometimes, when I feel like I’ve lost myself, I am almost cruel in the way I talk when I am alone. I can be so hard on myself, an adult college student who struggles; just like we all do. When I get down I blame myself for all the hardships present, and take it that my character is some awful existence. When I start to feel better, I look back on the abuse I left behind that left me bruised and feeling unloved.
I look over my shoulder at the circumstances I let myself attack me for and feel like I owe an apology. A less than perfect grade on a test. The mole on my chin I let myself be washed out with insecurity over, that I can’t control. The way I could have been a little nicer to a friend in the hallway corridor in the 6th grade. Am I crazy? Or am I just excessively brutal to the person I embody?
I’ll tell you now. The person in your life who you need to love the most is right under your nose. You get what I’m saying. If you can’t have love for yourself, or even make step toward self love, you will stop fighting. You will feel hopeless and the world will feel like a darkened closet that you can’t find your way out of. I have gone through months where I felt like I overanalyzed every moment of my life, plugged it into an equation, and somehow came to the answer that I am some horrible person and that I am nothing but selfish and stupid. This type of perception needs to stop there. You are not your past mistakes, your blind ignorance, or the sub-total of all the things you wish you said but didn’t.
My best advice? When you are in the depths of work, struggling with the expectations of life during a global pandemic, or just angry at your perceived lack of success, I want you to visualize your younger self. Even for just a second, I want you to envision those goofy baby teeth in your little smile, your big eyes filled with the look of innocence, and your little hands and fingers. Think of that person, that little girl just being. Its so hard not to love that younger you, because they didn’t do anything wrong. They are blameless and they are sweet.
Even if you do not love the grown-up person you are now, you still owe it to the little girl you once were, and always will be. You owe it to her to try and not be so mean to yourself. Although you are no longer three ft tall and wearing a tiara to every day of second grade doesn’t mean you are not deserving of mercy. The world is so scary and the more you grow the more it deceives you in making you feel like you have to strip yourself away and look down on your attempts at making it through. Think of yourself as a loved one, and treat yourself the way you wish you could talk to the little girl in the photograph you see when you look back.