An Open Letter to my Sick Parent

An open letter to my sick parent,

From the moment you got your diagnosis to the moment you told me the severity, my heart sank into my stomach. My world froze and everything that I thought mattered really just went away while I let the news sink in. The amount of heartache that occurred when you delivered the news probably can’t compare to the amount of heartache you felt in the doctor’s office that day. And for that, I’m sorry. The part that hurt the most was knowing you felt like you had to be strong. I didn’t want you to do that. I just wanted you to know it was okay to fall back and shed a tear once and a while.  However, you remained to be the strongest out of anyone. There are a lot of things I’m sorry for but a lot of things I’m thankful for as well. Although I would never wish this upon anyone, dealing with this experience opened my eyes to a lot. Living in the unknown when someone you love is so sick immediately teaches you not to take anything for granted. When life is going so well, it’s hard to not think you’re invincible to the bad stuff.  However, I believe it’s a blessing and a curse. I wish this didn’t happen to you but I’m so grateful for recognizing the unconditional love our family had for each other, for the true friends that stood by our sides during the highs and lows.

Watching you go through treatments brought on a lot of dark days. While all my friends were applying to colleges, my world was rather uncertain. I went forward with my college planning but it just didn’t seem as important to what you were going through. I felt like everyone was taking five steps forward while I was stuck under a dark cloud hoping you would get better. Without your courage and encouragement to move forward, I’m not sure how I would have gotten to where I am today.

It was hard to be strong some days when the color from your face washed away and you laid still in a hospital bed in obvious pain.  I relived the past 18 years of my life in my head on replay as I sat next to your bed between surgeries, ER visits and waiting for the doctor to update us about the latest movement.  Knowing our worlds could be flipped upside down at any second made me think about all the things we haven’t done and made me regret all the things I didn’t do or say. I dwelled on the regrets for a few moments until I came to a quick realization that there was nothing that could be done. Nothing from the past matters when you’re dealing with the heartache that comes along with a loved one being sick.

Thank you for being strong when you didn’t have to.

Thank you for showing that you loved your family unconditionally even when you could barely speak.

Thank you for not giving up when that seemed like the best option.

Thank you for teaching me that life will throw these curveballs at you so do what you love and live to the fullest because life is unpredictable.

Thank you for reassuring me it is going to be okay when fate turns against you.

• family
• open letter
• parent