Moving on can be suffocating. Terrifying. It can feel like you’re being thrown into a new space where nothing is familiar and everyone’s against you. Moving on can make you feel guilty, like you shouldn’t be leaving behind the place that gave you so many memories and people. Moving on can feel like the only reasonable solution, but still the wrong choice for you.
But.
Moving on can also feel incredibly liberating. It can show you just how much you can do on your own. Moving on can give you the space to breathe and sing and laugh freely. Moving on might be the hardest choice, but it is often the best one.
In April of 2021, I decided that after graduation I would be leaving the state I’ve lived my entire life in (New Hampshire) and travel somewhere far away. I set my sights on The Netherlands. I’ve always been unexplainably drawn to the country, and I knew if there was ever a good time to move across the world, it was now. I began the process of searching for jobs, apartments, and learning about the legality of it all. In the fall of 2021, I attempted to begin the visa application process. Unfortunately, the global pandemic we have all suffered through for the past two years has put a halt to international legal procedures. Faced with the fact that getting a work visa in time for graduation was near impossible, I had to choose a new place to relocate my life – one that didn’t require leaving the country. After a lengthy conversation with a close friend, I realized I’d be nearly just as happy living on the West Coast, specifically Oregon. In January of 2022, I finalized my decision to move to Portland Oregon after graduation.
The first few weeks were fun. Mindlessly looking at gorgeous apartments, applying for dream jobs I’d surely never get… Then February hit and I had to get serious. I began looking for jobs I was qualified for and apartment hunting in my price range. I grew nervous that I wouldn’t find a safe place to live or no one would want to hire a candidate that needs to relocate 3,000 miles. Over and over I was received emails saying “unfortunately…” and “we regret to inform you…” That is, until I received my first interview. Hurray! It was an administrative position for a large civil engineering firm on the West Coast. I sat through the longest interview of my life and… Got. The. Job.
This was when reality truly hit me. My first big-time job offer! My head was swimming with thoughts. What’s a livable salary in the city? What if I end up hating being so far from my family? What if the job I end up taking is torture? I had romanticized this life change for months and now that it was finally being put into motion… I was scared.
For about 10 minutes.
Then I remembered: This journey can be as exciting, romantic, and positive as I want it to be. What is the worst that happens? I hate my job? I’ll find a new one. I hate my apartment? I’ll buy some more plants, paint the walls bright yellow, and lose my deposit. I’m cripplingly alone and miss my family? Well… That one will be a bit harder to overcome. Regardless, I have always been a problem solver and I knew in my heart that no matter what happens, I will make the best out of this adventure.
After tens more applications and a few more interviews, I decided to take the job that gave me that first interview. I officially had a job!
Now, I’m sitting in this middle ground of transitioning where everything is falling into place on paper, but I’m still emotionally trying to catch up with how fast this is all happening. In three months time I’ll be sitting in my grungy apartment 3,000 miles away, figuring out where the closest dog park is and how to make my own dish soap at home for cheap. These next few months are going to be about setting the last stones into the walkway, sure, but also about coming to terms with moving on.
I’ve never lived anywhere besides New Hampshire – never been more than an hour’s drive away from my family and most of my support system. Now, I’ll have to learn how to handle things on my own, or at least with only the help of a FaceTime from my mother. This change is scary, but I’m ready for it.
Moving on to me feels like growing. My seeds have been planted in New England, and I’m sure I’ll return back one day to grow a family. For now, though, I want to see how the world can water me. I want to experience life in other places, stretch my mind to understand how others think, move, and act. I need to be sure that wherever I end up, it’s because I’ve experienced enough to know This is where I’m meant to be. This is where I’m the best version of myself. I’m not moving on, just moving away.
To New Hampshire, I love you. You’ve given me my family, some of my dearest friend, some of my strongest loves. You’ve given me mountains to climb, an ocean to swim in, forests to run through. I’ve experienced my worst pains here, lived enough lessons to last me a lifetime; I’ve experienced my greatest joys here, found better parts of myself I didn’t even know were there. I am forever grateful to New Hampshire for making me the person I am, but now I need to see what the world has to offer.
I will see you very soon NH.
Until then,
Ari