Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. You’ve probably already noticed this, since it seems like the holiday exploded inside your nearest Walgreens! Before you start counting down the days to February 14th and calculating how much time you’ve got left to make V-Day plans, allow us to guide you step by step on how to make your Valentine’s Day the tackiest, cheesiest, most Hallmark-esque one yet. Sit tight and take notes on how to achieve Most Adorable Couple On Campus. (Awww!)
Step 1: LOVE FLOATSThe first and most obvious thing to do is to bring your significant other the BIGGEST helium balloon you can find at the store! Sure, swerving backpacks, rushing between classes and run-ins with exes will probably be uncomfortable; and, yeah, maybe bumping into random strangers in hallways or stairwells will be more awkward with balloons tied to your bag. But you’re sure everyone will know how much you love each other! Also, everyone will know they’re taken and will therefore back off… right?
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Step 2: BIG GIFTS = BIG LOVEWhen it comes to gifts, bigger is better. Just like you did in high school, bring your loved one that big, frilly basket filled with unnecessary presents. You should probably present the gift right before their first class, so they’ll be carrying it around campus all day! It’s not like he or she will most likely forget about it anyway, and you’ll have wasted your money… But it’s totally okay if you’re being a caring person just for this day and are making up for those other 364 days that you haven’t been the most loving partner.
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Step 3: YOU DRIVE ME WILDLet’s talk about how great it is to drive a car whose windshield you can see nothing through. We’re sure there’s some really high statistics about how many car accidents take place due to little to no visibility on the road. But it’s Valentine’s Day, so who cares? We have no idea how you’re planning to stick over a thousand Post-it® Notes over an entire car (with a different message on each one, mind you), but if you get it done… CONGRATULATIONS!
You will then have successfully proven that you have absolutely nothing else to do but write cheesy tidbits on tiny pieces of paper. Allow yourself as much time as possible to prepare the notes. Trust us when we say that covering a car in sticky notes is exhausting. Here’s to hoping your partner owns a Yaris. You may need to start earlier if he or she owns a Hummer. We suggest starting the first day of February for small cars. Christmas Eve is a good date to start preparing notes for bigger vehicles.
If Post-it® Notes aren’t your thing, you can give your beloved’s car windows a special touch with a million lipstick kisses. Make sure it’s one of those MAC Lady Gaga dark red shades; you know, the one of those that won’t fade away — ever. It’s okay to ruin a perfectly amazing lipstick on a car that needs to be immediately washed after being graffiti’d. It’s all done in the name of love. Bonus points if you write a message on his back windshield about how in love you are.
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Step 4: LOVE ME SOME STUFFINGOriginality isn’t important on Valentine’s Day. Please, DO buy that ridiculous giant teddy bear you saw at Walgreens. Bring it to school, even if the bear is bigger than your loved one. We’re aware there is a higher chance your partner will fall down the stairs from carrying it, but at least they’ll fall on the queen-sized bed of a teddy bear. If you want to get creative, there are a lot of human-sized stuffed animals. Forget the bear; there’s nothing weirder —ahem, cuter— than a giant kitty cat in the middle of a classroom. We assure you that your Valentine and all of his or her classmates will adore you. Bonus points if you’re in class together and you write a declaration of love on the blackboards. The tackier, the better.
You know what? Scratch the giant stuffed animal off the list. Run down to Build-A-Bear Workshop and buy that stuffed monkey that will screech “I Love You” in your own voice — because it can’t get more romantic than that. This will prove to everyone how cute your voice sounds coming from inside a monkey dressed as a baby. Can you imagine someone who wouldn’t love a stuffed talking monkey in baby clothes named Roberto (as stated on his birth certificate, thank you very much)? It’s sweet, lovely, clichéd and so 2008 (circa Britney Spears’ meltdown).
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Step 5: IF YOU LOVE ME, SING TO MEIt’s a well-known fact that you can’t have Valentine’s Day without a serenade. It’s not like you’ll embarrass your Valentine in front of their classmates. “But, Her Campus, I can’t sing and don’t know anyone who will do it!” We’ll give you a tip: the Tuna Bardos UPR. Nothing says “I’m the most ridiculous version of myself when I’m in love” than bringing the Tuna right into the lobby just to sing “Baby” by Justin Bieber. Please do it; that has romance written all over it. While you’re at it, make sure they mess up and say your ex’s name.
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Step 6: FRUITY ARRANGEMENTSSweet baby Jesus! How could we forget to mention those extraordinarily elaborate flower arrangements that no one can carry? Seriously, you need to step up your game. Forget about three-dozen bouquet of roses… NOW YOU CAN GIVE THE GIFT OF FRUIT! Who doesn’t want soggy strawberries covered in chocolate for the 1,456,789th time? What screams I LOVE YOU louder than hearts and flowers cut out of pineapples and watermelons?