Yep, I’m officially a fourth-year student. I’m one step closer to receiving my BA diploma in Special Education while wearing my cap and gown in front of my parents, loved ones, and UPRRP’s graduating class of 2025-2026! It’s the time to feel ecstatic and hopeful of new beginnings!
Or at least that’s how I thought I should feel during this time when I was a young and naive high schooler, and my only reference to this were cheesy early 2000s movies.
Retrieved from Pinterest
In retrospect, I feel scared, unprepared, and, frankly, completely lost.
Let me set the scene for context: High School Senior-Year Pennélope was excited about all the new opportunities all her teachers and mentors had promised would come upon graduating. Especially her academic freedom. Even though the voices advised otherwise, Pennélope knew education was the right choice for her. It was her calling. She’d been playing teacher with her stuffed animals for as long as she could remember. She had so many reassuring experiences. Bottom line: it made her happy, and studying to become a professional in that area would be easy and fun.
While every voice around her had something to say about her peculiar choice, Pennélope was saying goodbye to some of the people she’d spent most of her life with while promising to keep in touch with her friends. She was also looking for a job and a place to fit in amidst life changes.
Time mercilessly moved on, and Senior-Year Pennélope is nowhere to be found. For the past four years, I have managed to attend all my classes, get the best grades, participate in extracurriculars, and have a full-time job. And, sure, it sounds great when I word it that way. But it doesn’t feel like that. For the first three years of my college experience, I was knee-deep in an average of 18 credits and 6 classes per semester. I was working full-time, which meant I was assigned 30-35 hours per week. And let’s not forget my extracurriculars–writing for HC and, later on, managing the socials for another student organization I work with. My life became a hustle; juggling homework, my job, and other responsibilities took a toll on me. What even was free time? I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I had no time, and I was barely hanging on.
On top of everything, I was also struggling with the fact that I felt so disconnected from my major. My academic load kept increasing by the minute. The terrible experiences while visiting schools were frequent, and I felt as if I wasn’t learning anything from my classes. Sure, I enjoyed working with children and designing cute classes and teaching material/worksheets, but it was never enough. Something else was always due. Not a single thing I did was good enough. I hated myself for trying to be and do everything everyone expected from me all at once.
It was at this moment–when everything was falling apart–that I finally allowed myself to crack and be vulnerable on my own. I realized I was a perfectionist who hated not being in control of her life/surroundings, therefore, the next best thing was to demand the impossible.
Actually, now that I really think about it… I was pushing myself to be a person I wasn’t anymore. Because even though I was drowning, I had a life jacket a few swims away, and I had just been so scared to reach out for it; to admit that I was a new version of myself. Because, of course, I had new responsibilities, friends, hobbies, likes, and icks. I established new goals for myself in every aspect of my life, whether they were considered long or short-term. In this way, my opinion was bound to evolve, too.
I realized I am but a mere 21-year-old who has just begun to live. I don’t need to have all the answers right now. I am allowed to change my mind. Life is the journey, not the end, so I shouldn’t exhaust myself trying to control what can’t be controlled. I should focus my energy on enjoying the moment by embracing changes and seeing them as opportunities. My feelings are valid, and so are yours.
I am not perfect, and no one expects me to be. At the end of the day, it’s me learning to love and accept myself amidst the current of obstacles involved in being human.
Was this article mentally draining to write? Yes. If I were given the chance, would I have done everything differently? Absolutely not. Every decision I’ve made and everything I’ve done has been a life lesson. They shaped me into the person I am today. And even though I’m still lost and scared, I choose to have hope. These pieces I have found of myself along the way will eventually piece together into something beautiful and worthy of the rocky road of a journey this has been. But for now, I’ll just hold on.
Retrieved from Pinterest