Endings have always been bittersweet for me. While they do suggest the start of something new, it comes with the price of losing something you loved, knew, wanted or worked for. I’ll admit that my situationship ended long before I had the courage to say goodbye. I held on to it for as long as I could for the most selfish reason ever: I loved him (and I still do). But like the title says: I ended my situationship. And in all honesty, even after a few weeks of doing so, I can’t properly grasp how I feel about it… Grab a seat cause this will probably be my longest article yet.
THE SITUATIONSHIP
The problem always was me (play “Anti-Hero” by Taylor Swift here). The main (and probably the only) person I was hurting all along was me. For the longest time, I knew this situationship was not going anywhere, or at least nowhere I would’ve wanted it to steer towards: a relationship. So I blinded myself, put my feelings, needs and desires aside because I thought that’s what you do when you are in love. While I still believe that to be true, I know now that both parties have to come to an agreement and both have to put things on the line in order for things to work out. In this scenario, it became evident that I was the only one abiding in this complicated interaction that had everything it needed to be real, but it just never was (and it wasn’t going to either)… or so I thought.
So where do I properly begin? Taking the courage to stand up for yourself is scary. We tend to think that standing up for yourself will leave us feeling victorious, however, I’ve never felt more defeated. While I will never regret choosing myself, doing so came at a price. I lost something and someone I truly loved in order to find myself again, or at least try to, eventually. Even more so, to continue to search for that someone that will give me everything I lacked from this situationship. More than anything, it’s hard to feel you lost something you never truly had… again, or so I thought.
This was long coming. I knew that this was something I had to do, but truly never knew how. How do I tell someone I can’t do “this” anymore? How do I break up from something that wasn’t officially a thing? How do I set and abide boundaries that were never there? I confess that there was a naïve part of me that wanted to let time, life and, nature do its thing. Every time I heard about new people he was meeting, and how far he got with them compared with how far he went with me, I thought at that moment things would end. Even more so when we started to lead very different lives in completely different continents. I swore to myself it would just be a matter of time until he would forget about me and I would learn to forget as well. But none of that ever happened. People came and went and I still remained. The distance between us (as cheesy as that opening sentence sounds), only made our interaction somewhat stronger and I did not expect that.
Before I tell you about that “break up” conversation, here are some takeaways and lessons from this whole experience that are valuable insights to share:
TAKEAWAYS FROM A SITUATIONSHIP
- If you felt you had a relationship, it’s because you had it!
Regardless of it being properly labeled or not, situationships have that name for a reason. They are problematic, but it is still a relationship. We told ourselves constantly that we were just friends. Meanwhile I studied all of my relationships with friends, best friends and similar interactions and none of them were similar to what our dynamic was. We went out (romantically), talked (romantically) and shared intimate thoughts, plans and feelings about each other (romantically). There was no way around it. We both knew there was something more. However it’s been painful learning that this person at some point was in love with me, but for reasons out of my reach and knowledge HE decided on his own terms to not pursue anything with me.
Remember those “or so I thought” at the beginning of this article? I thought that it wasn’t a thing. That all of this was just in my head… it turns out it wasn’t. Therefore, my pain, confusion and mourning after all of this has been completely valid.
- I gave it 110% and I take big pride in this.
I’ve always led head first. I overthink every decision into the right one. When this whole thing started, I found myself listening to my feelings and acting out on what they wanted. The reality was… I wanted him. And so, I allowed myself to feel. I gave myself the chance to open up to someone and see how I behaved being in love… and the results were a great deal for me to know. I made time for him, showed up when he needed it and I healed issues and fears while also helping the other party embrace themselves and help them heal as well. This is why I don’t regret having gone through this experience.
I’ll confess that when we met a few summers ago, I wasn’t open to the possibility of a relationship. As we grew to know each other, my perspective about him and the idea of being in a relationship became more and more of a possibility. So, once I knew I wanted him, I went for it. I gave it all and I don’t regret it. Regardless of how it ended, I gave what I would want someone to give me. From words of affirmation, gifts, support, details, space, and even hospital visits, I presented myself as the total package… because I am (truly). As I look back at the things I did or didn’t do, I feel great pride. This person deserves to have someone like me in his corner, regardless of us being in a relationship, situationship or whatever you want to call it. I know he felt he had a friend, someone to lean on when things got rough; and that is more than enough.
- You’ve got to know your limits.
While I don’t feel any regrets, I do believe I should’ve not let it get to the point it got. Eventually the interaction ended hurting me more than I care to admit. Again, I don’t regret it, but the other party showed multiple signs of the relationship not growing to something more than what it became. My stubbornness and that #yonomequito boricua attitude led me to think that if I stayed long enough he would come around and see me. Note to self: If you’re giving it your all and he still hasn’t seen you a year in… it’s time to set limits.
- There are no villains here.
Before you set your pitchforks against him (or to your someone if you’re in a similar position). After a lot of thought, I believe we both have blame to share. Regardless of the reasons, we are still two people figuring things out. Mistakes were bound to happen. While I speak from my experience and what I’ve felt amongst all of this, I don’t feel any type of hate or anger towards him, but I am angry with the situation itself. In the confusion of it all, weirdly, we’ve always been somewhat mature with each other and our feelings. Did our actions reflect our conversations? I guess that’s why they say actions speak louder than words.
THE CONVERSATION ITSELF
(I told you this one would be a long one)
In between thinking all of the things I previously mentioned (and a few others too personal to share), it became evident that I had to put an end to this (even if I didn’t know how or even wanted to). Not knowing what to do led me to my biggest red flag: Procrastination. While it’s cool and valid not knowing… I realized that much like a lot of things in life, I was never going to be completely ready. I just had to go for it, just like I did for all of those romantic moments, but this time, it was for me only.
I distanced myself for a while to properly think things through. I ran in my head the script I would recite over and over again. With every runthrough I became more aware of what I needed to say and that this was something that I had to do. And that… I did.
I laid it all out on the line. I ended it. I didn’t leave anything out of the picture. I spoke my truth out of that anger, confusion, love and of course sadness that the situation provoked and the ending it obviously required. I wish our last goodbye wasn’t via FaceTime. Because of the distance and the time difference between us, I had no other choice but to face the problem through my phone. I would’ve loved to hug him one last time, just like I did when he left for Spain. However, I found that comfort in my words and in my friends. It was a tough conversation to have. Do I think he expected it? I don’t know. Did it hurt him? Probably. Do I regret having the conversation? Absolutely not.
Regardless of how much it hurt, this was something I needed to do in order to prove myself that I am capable of leaving something that doesn’t work for me.
Yes, it hurt when he agreed with how I was feeling and with all of the things I previously mentioned. I don’t think he wanted things to end, but he also didn’t want to take them to the next level. It made everything real and evident: this needed to end. We lingered around in that call. Neither one of us wanted to hang up… we knew that once we hung up, things would change forever… and they have.
After a few weeks from ending my situationship, amidst the heartache, I’ve gained a lot of clarity. This is one of the many unfortunate heartbreaks that await me. I feel a part of me will always love and feel for this person. I truly hope that after some true, unspoken distance we will be able to revisit each other in our lives as proper friends, for once.
Recently I found myself being able to help out a friend in a similar situation. Speaking and advising the way I did showed me I was healing and that truly, some things happen for a reason. This chapter has ended and it’s time for both of us to focus and rebuild ourselves, individually. I’m eager and eccentric to go back (properly) to my dating and casual sex life. Being single isn’t so scary when you know what you want and what you aren’t willing to settle for. I am not opposed to sometime, somewhere in the very near but distant future, to possibly try things for real (that’s for him to work for and figure out). For now, I celebrate me, this ending and the beginning of something new.
P.S: If you read this, I love you, I’m proud of you and I hope that you’re okay.