History has a funny way of repeating itself. It took Edison about 1,000 attempts to invent a lightbulb. A simple object we cannot live without, probably made someone go utterly insane. Regardless of the attempts, Edison didn’t stop and eventually came out on the other side of darkness: light. However, I question how he dealt with every failed attempt. The frustration, anger, and even sadness that might have taken a hold of him as another experiment turned sour. How can someone have no idea what they were doing, but was still…doing something? 

There is trial and error in growing up. Life feels like a constant experiment without a goal. If you would’ve told me being an adult was this messy, I probably would’ve declined the idea of growing up. There isn’t enough talk about how unprepared we’re set out to become adults. Somehow, as children we see the idea of becoming one so exciting. Ever since I reached the infamous 21, life has been nothing but a failed experiment after another. From bills, work burnout, and overall confusion, I’ve spent the better part of the last two years literally asking myself:

What the hell am I doing?

As I tend to change my strategies, variables, and even myself, the outcome still remains the same: chaos. While I’ve never been afraid of a little challenge, if it took Edison 1,000 attempts to produce light, how many would it take me to figure out how to be an adult as life and everything around me constantly changes at the same time?  I don’t remember ever volunteering as a tribute to such relentless, constant, and overwhelming scenarios. Somehow, we manage to keep going only to find ourselves with more uncontrolled variables to handle: family drama, relationship trouble, credit acquirement, and the concept of figuring out how to build a life with no other support but yourself. 

The past few months have made me reach an all time low. As I wrap up my years as a student, the idea of being a “full time” adult seemed absolutely scary. Without a “student” label to fall back on… How do you justify not knowing what you’re doing? Or more specifically, What do you want? When did the adults leave the room and allowed me to be alone? 

I’ve felt the ground move from under me. I find myself about to graduate, dealing with work transitions, navigating through heartbreak, and figuring out how to keep a good credit score, a 401K and all of this while also trying to keep my body and mental health somewhat average. I saw my lights flicker and didn’t do anything about it.

Lately, this laboratory has been operating in the dark. 

Even though I’ve moved forward with age and closing chapters I confess, I have no idea what I’m doing. Some could call this character development, others… adulthood. Regardless of what you call it, I don’t like this feeling of not knowing what to do and how to deal with everything that is thrown at you the minute you start to feel growing pains. 

While dealing with this emerging crisis, I’ve seen myself develop an unexplainable anger with the world, but mostly with myself. Everytime I produce a failed idea, I’ve let it become a reflection of myself. As I see myself fail time and time again, I realized I didn’t want to be in charge, therefore, I tried to Peter Pan myself into not growing up, I fell back on old habits and childish behaviors. I tried to hide under my parents blankets but there isn’t enough room for all of us in the same bed. 

I grew even angrier that I could not fully depend on my parents as I maybe would’ve a few years ago, I sat again in my dark laboratory and let my experiments, and once ambitious energy, rot. While in this unexplainable zombie mode, you always keep going. Regardless of how stuck one may feel, life doesn’t stop moving. That’s why I’ve never been able to explain how I’ve had no idea what I’m doing… but I’m still doing something (even if it is just living). Even though I’ve felt like this for the longest time, I can also recognize and validate my success. Throughout this state of confusion, I’ve been able to work on some amazing projects and also cross off some amazing goals of my dream plans. However, doing most of these things feel like a euphoric episode of happiness and hyper-productivity. Once the curtain closes, I go back to the darkness of an empty stage. This whole thing may feel like a pity party, but it’s my pity party. Just because we exhibit ourselves as driven and put together in public, doesn’t necessarily mean we feel the same way behind closed doors. That is why I proudly but shamefully admit that I have no idea what I’m doing, but… Im doing it (I guess).

As my friends and family continued to make progress with their experiments I’ve felt myself stuck in the same failed procedure. Like any class, it isn’t possible to move to the next chapter if you don’t pass the one in front of you. I’ve come to realize a few things during this era of delusion and confusion. Starting with the fact that

I’m the adult in my life now.

No one is responsible anymore for my life, and the faster I started to love and accept the adult who is in charge (aka myself) the easier moving forward would be. I’ve started to realize that becoming an adult is a chance to perhaps be the adult I needed (and still need) growing up. Realizing and embracing the idea of being totally in control now doesn’t seem that scary. I get to provide myself with a stability and joy maybe someone else could’ve provided, but either choose not to or simply couldn’t. I feel that finding that energy within myself to grow up will make the journey even more interesting. It not like I have a choice either. Some might think it’s either sinking or swimming, for now, I’ve opted to float around the water and see where it leads me.

Edison didn’t work in the dark. Before inventing the lightbulb, he probably lit his laboratory with candles and fire. While it might not be convenient, I’ve resorted to other resources to get myself back on track and again testing and figuring out how to move forward. Sometimes we get so caught up in what is missing, we tend to forget what we have and how to work with it. Or more specifically, when we get stuck, we tend to forget how long we actually lasted without stopping. No race car wins a race without a tune up, and I won’t reach anywhere if I don’t stop to check my engine to see if everything is in its place. 

While I’ve had a very hard time adjusting, I start to embrace trying, because I really am.

I’m in my “I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m doing it” era, and it suits me fine.

The reality of not knowing is that no one truly knows what they’re doing. It can also get very tiring to try and always know everything. For the longest time I thought I had it all figured out, maybe for a while I did. But now, I’m in square one again. I’ve pressured myself to constantly know what to do, when even those who I’ve spent my life admiring show me their lab notes and read the same thing I’ve had: confusion, anger, and no clue on how to move forward. We’re all experimenting, testing, and embracing the process that is growing up and becoming an adult. Everyone is in the same laboratory, figuring it out without instructions. As I celebrate not knowing, I’ve decided to stop counting my failed attempts, and celebrate the ones I’ll continue doing throughout this lifetime.