I won’t sit here and say that every single one of my experiences in this job was horrible. On the contrary, accepting how things ended hurts even more because of all the great moments. However, when the bad moments outweigh the good, it’s hard to focus on anything other than what you felt: pain and disappointment.
I was a victim of workplace harassment. I write it in the past tense because I refuse to be defined by itー I even refused to consider myself a victim of it until recently. It’s hard to explain how, without any warning or explanation, a dream job quickly turned into a nightmare. Without precautions, we live life fearlessly, never knowing what or who can hurt us in the process. While some wolves show their true colors from the beginning, some dress up as sheep to attack us when we least expect it, and I definitely did not expect this.
All of the success I gained from this experience came with a chain of abuse and consequences that I dismissed, because of the opportunities it presented me with. I thought it was completely normal to feel overwhelmed, overworked, and stressed all the time. Eventually, I found out it wasn’t. While I admit to several mistakes throughout my time there, it was also my first real and professional experience in the industry; I was bound to make mistakes. However, I was pressured and forced to take on an overload of work all the time, with little to no breaks, and questionable pay, while still being a full-time studentーall of which were things they knew and agreed to respect when they decided to hire me; things I also agreed to, and never tried to speak up about.
Eventually, as time went on, the pressure and aggressions increased. Any little mistake was faced with screams, disrespectful comments, and disheartening looks. All of this just made me want to work harder, but for all the wrong reasons. I lost touch and sight of why I wanted to work there, and in the fashion industry in the first place. They made me feel as if my perspectives were incorrect or bad, without providing any constructive criticism so I could learn and improve. I worked to please everyone but myself. I silenced my opinions, feelings, and creativity every day to do just what they wanted… and even that wasn’t enough.
If I was too quiet, it was bad; if I spoke, it was bad; the way I dressed was an issue, and so was what I ate… I slowly became someone I didn’t even recognize just to try and please everyone. I would even flinch whenever my boss came near me; that’s how terrified I was working there. I had nightmares about work, and I had to wake up every day and relive everything I dreamt about.
However, the real battle started when I quit. After a childish game of “pick me or pick them” … I decided to choose myself. There’s not enough money or fame in the world (or in this industry) that’s worth undergoing workplace hostility and constant verbal abuse.
Once I handed in my resignation letter, I had already started a new job, and this became a problem.
Much like a toxic relationship, when I left this place and took a step back from everything, I hated myself more than anything for allowing myself to go through this. I preach and pride myself so much on looking for signs and taking action, but when you’re actually going through it, your body freezes. I felt stuck, thinking everything would eventually change for the better… but it never did and it was never going to. I found myself in “zombie mode”, leaving this place and stepping into a new one, with the added weight of all the collateral damage I didn’t handle… because I didn’t know how to handle it.
It was hard to leave an environment that, although toxic, felt familiar and safe. Of course, betting on yourself seems totally scary, specifically after all of the doubt and insecurities you were slowly fed. Even more so, how could you say goodbye to some of the comforts they offered? Travel, restaurants, drinks? I felt that quitting was a sign of my ungratefulness for all of the “luxuries” they gave me. But there’s so much more to give to your employees than some late-night drinks and travel. As a boss and wannabe leader, you can’t put a band-aid on a broken bone. What was all the pampering worth, if it was attached to abuse and pain?
Once I started in this new, healthy and positive job… I struggled. It became so hard for me to believe this job (which is also a dream job in my industry) was happening. All the microaggressions and situations I was put through in my other job made me unable to see that there was more to this job than what a healthy career and environment should be… it is also what I deserve to have. I didn’t feel worthy or enough to begin this new adventure, and I also felt (and still feel) very lost creatively.
As I cope with the despair and disappointment of what resulted in nine months of pure work, I start to accept things for what they were. This job came at a time when I felt very insecure and scared about my professional future. There are times when I question their intentions of hiring me and my friends: young and determined minds full of ideas that could possibly be easy to take advantage of… As I look back at every laugh, runway, cocktail and verbal aggression, I know now that I grew, learned, and definitely came out a stronger professional. While learning to forget and move on, I hope dearly for their success, but more than anything, I hope that they work on their issues to provide emerging talents with a proper place to start and grow… much like I needed, got and hope to continue doing.