I gave my mom a pretty hard time when I was a kid. Every time I got angry or sad, I’d throw Oscar-worthy tantrums that ended with a week-long punishment. Even during my hormonal teenage years, I’d occasionally throw smaller tantrums that left me feeling incredibly embarrassed and guilty. My mother always cautioned me to learn to control my emotions, because failing to do so would lead me to lose relationships in the long run. Young and ignorant at last, I didn’t listen.
While my college days were tantrum-free, ignoring my mother’s advice did eventually cost me a few relationships. Instead of acting out on my emotions, I adopted a passive-aggressive attitude as a mechanism for dealing with conflict. No matter the situation, big or small, whenever someone pissed me off, I’d let them know I was angry about it without actually speaking to them. Not only did I cut people out of my life without any explanation whatsoever, but I was also cast off by others for not being straightforward with them.
I didn’t realize how serious my attitude problem was until, eventually, it cost me my job. As my mother’s advice replayed in my head, I finally understood that I seriously needed to learn how to control my emotions. While I eventually sought a psychologist for help, the biggest lesson I took from this experience was the importance of mentorship.
We’re not always right
There’s a famous proverb in Puerto Rico that says, “El que sigue consejos, llega a viejo”, which translates to “those who follow advice make it to old age”. I’m very certain that, as kids, none of us understood the importance of this saying. However, I’m also confident that a lot of adults don’t really comprehend it either. Due to high expectations from parents, colleagues, or society in general, many of us feel a need to always be right. So, to avoid feeling humiliated for being wrong, we defend our arguments up until the very end, all while ignoring the other person’s viewpoint.
However, we need to learn to take a step back and observe the situation in front of us. Are we actually right, or is our ego just trying to take the spotlight? In my case, the need to be right was the main reason I’d ignore people when they tried to give me advice or feedback. Since my ego felt attacked when I was told I was wrong about something, my emotions would automatically shift into overdrive. Subsequently, I’d get angry at the other person for questioning or humiliating me. While my trauma led me to make myself feel bad for making mistakes, my ignorance drove me to ignore feedback that could’ve actually helped me grow.
Learn to listen
While being told we’re wrong may sting our pride a little, the human experience involves making mistakes. Not only are we not perfect beings, but we also don’t know everything there is to know. We must also recognize that each person’s experience is subjective, and what we may consider a fact could in reality be an opinion. Likewise, it’s important to understand that we may not always share the same opinions, and arguing for the sake of being right is often exhausting and pointless. Accepting when we are wrong and letting go of the need of being right all the time allows us to consider other mindsets and viewpoints.
Furthermore, welcoming constructive criticism helps us grow. The advice we get from certain people in our lives can help us correct unhealthy thoughts and behaviors that we may not have identified within ourselves. However, it’s up to each of us to decide if we’ll take the advice as a personal attack, or if we’d rather keep quiet and listen to an outsider’s perspective.
Mentors are everywhere
Had I followed my mother’s advice, I would’ve been more careful of not letting my emotions get the better of me in countless situations. Losing my job allowed me to understand that I can’t always be right, and that’s completely okay. Moreover, it was a humbling experience that helped me acknowledge that some people have more to offer than just baseless arguments or opinions. During our lifetime, we will meet people who have incredible knowledge and experience. Listening to what they have to offer in terms of wisdom and expertise can open our eyes to new ideas that can help us become better versions of ourselves.
Moreover, we need to acknowledge the fact that age doesn’t dictate whether a person is qualified to give valuable advice. While it’s characteristic that older, wiser generations guide the young and naïve, there’s actually more wisdom in experience than there is in age. Sure, our elders may have many years of life experience they can share with us, but the range and depth of those experiences varies. What one person may have discovered at the age of 45, another may have had the opportunity to learn at 30. Therefore, not only should we be mindful of the advice we receive from older family members or work superiors; but we should also recognize that younger friends and colleagues can also impart wisdom from their own experiences.
Adopting this mindset in my personal life and in my subsequent workplaces allowed me to be aware of the suggestions I received from the people that surrounded me. For four years I had coworkers three times my age that maintained very toxic and inappropriate behaviors. Unsurprisingly, their advice matched their attitudes. At the same time, I surrounded myself with people who were slightly older than me whose advice proved to be both fulfilling and life-changing. As I matured, I started to let go of the negative behaviors, attitudes, and relationships that were holding me back in life.
Ultimately, learning from other peoples’ experiences is not only a smart way to avoid making their same mistakes, but also a helpful tool for personal growth. Living life with a victim mentality only holds us back from unleashing our true potential and can even make us bitter. To heal and grow, we need to learn to take responsibility for the role we play in our own suffering; and embracing the advice from the wise people in our lives can serve as a gateway to identifying patterns and behaviors that no longer serve us.