“If women and men want to know love, we have to yearn for feminism. For without feminist thinking and practice, we lack the foundation to create loving bonds.” -bell hooks
The “happily ever afters” we were bombarded with as children are clearly fake. Without knowing each other’s last names, the beautiful princess and the handsome prince fall madly in love and true love’s first kiss instantly bonds them forever. This idea of romantic love is a great selling point for anyone who thinks their loneliness can be cured by someone else’s presence. It’s also a great mechanism to get people to settle down and procreate.
In fact, the romantic love portrayed on television and movies helped reinforce the family structure in the 1950’s. The new modern American family emphasized the importance of marriage and creating a family unit. This meant that men were expected to handle the finances and lead the household, while women had to stay home to raise the children and take care of the housework. While divorce rates plummeted during this decade, it wasn’t long before they skyrocketed. Thanks to the women’s liberation movement, the 60’s and 70’s saw a significant rise in divorcees. So, what happened? How did romantic love, which is supposed to last “’til death do us part”, die?
The truth is romantic love never truly existed. At least, not in the ways popular culture referenced them or had us, its audience, believe. Some romances portrayed on the big screen don’t depict healthy relationship behaviors. Take, for example, the film adaptation of Nicholas’ Sparks “The Notebook”. Even though Allie and Noah shared good moments while gradually falling in love, they also fought constantly and would sometimes get into physical altercations in front of others. Even so, they settled down, formed a family, and died in each other’s arms. This film, like many others, reinforces the dangerous notion that conflict is a key element that’s needed in order to build strong relationships.
While we may not always be on our partner’s good side, constant fighting, as well as poor conflict resolution skills, isn’t a sign of a flourishing or healthy relationship. There is a true and sometimes tragic cost to living in deeply toxic relationships. Sadly, many women’s lives are taken away at the hands of current or previous romantic partners during or after arguments. Even though some people may think that victims “ask for it” because they won’t leave their partners, the truth is that most of them can’t leave. The physical and mental abuse they’ve suffered is enough to give them serious psychological damage and self-esteem issues that make them reliant on their partners. Patriarchal love has subordinated them.
Since romantic love is what we’re usually fed through our screens, it’s not uncommon that most relationships are structured on patriarchal notions of power, subordination, or possession. In 1950’s society, this meant that men, who were considered the stronger being, had a responsibility to protect the emotional and fragile women and children. In return, women would shower them with love, sex, and homecooked meals. While the women’s liberation movement shattered the idea of the perfect and docile housewife, it did not break the pattern of abusive relationships. Nowadays, it is not only men who abuse their female counterparts. Both heterosexual and LGBTQI+ couples are equally at fault in perpetuating domestic violence. So, contrary to what some people may think, mending this problem doesn’t mean educating only the males.
Fixing these issues entails that we let go of the idea of romantic love and begin adopting feminism in our relationships. Social activist and American author Gloria Jean Watkins, famously known by her pseudonym bell hooks, criticized that the women’s liberation movement did not envision and define a feminist-based love, one that respects each person’s needs and rights, and isn’t rooted on coercion and control. According to hooks, there is no true love without justice. Love requires that we recognize and accept when we are wrong. It also requires acknowledgment, care, responsibility, and commitment. These are the qualities a true love should bring to the table, and, without feminism, happiness in a relationship is fleeting.
When reflecting on the relationships I’ve had, it’s not hard to identify the ones that used patriarchal standards to try and survive. Suffice it to say these kinds of relationships left me with a ton of insecurities and rarely made me feel happy. Even so, it was hard to let them go at the time. I’m glad I did and I encourage anyone trying to get out of their toxic relationships to seek all the help they deem necessary.
We need feminist relationships because feminism seeks to end sexism and sexist exploitationーnot only for women, but for all people. And we all deserve better, loving partners. The two relationships I had afterwards showed me feminist lovers exist. They never made me feel insecure or disrespected, and each one taught me that honest and caring love does exist. Although neither of them lasted “’til death do us part”, I’m at peace knowing that things didn’t end on bad terms. I’m also grateful because each experience taught me how to be stronger and more vigilant of the signs of trouble in a relationship. On the other hand, noticing these signs on time can make a big difference when deciding to fight for a relationship or deciding to walk out.
Ending things with a partner that is costing you your mental or physical health is more than acceptable and sometimes necessary. True love isn’t supposed to make us feel insecure or scared. Movie romances last forever because they’re scripted but real-life relationships aren’t, and making them last forever requires constant compromise, communication, and understanding.