For as long as I can remember my life has revolved around music. I’ve been surrounded by instruments and songs for my entire existence. My family has played a pretty big part in the music industry in Puerto Rico since the 1950’s and legacy is an enormous part of our family’s dynamic. My great grandfather passed the torch down to my grandfather, who in turn passed it to my uncle (because my dad decided to study law instead of music.) My grandad and uncle are still alive, but I fear the time to choose the next “great” Peña is closing in on us. For me, music equals legacy. Generations of successful musicians precede me and haunt me, in a way I’ve never dreamed of explaining. This essay is about my sigh of relief; because I’m a woman, because I don’t study music, and because, frankly, I don’t want to carry THEIR legacy.
My great grandfather started his career as a Saxophone player and eventually formed the Pan American band of Puerto Rico, achieving recognition and success for himself and his whole family. My grandfather was the primary trumpet player for the band and took over as director when his father was unable to continue. He, in turn, re-branded it as The National Concert Band of Puerto Rico. He’s worked with every Latin artist that gained recognition since the 1970’s. People like Ricky Martin, Celia Cruz, and Marc Anthony all worked with him and credit him as one of the great music minds of the last century. My uncle was an incredible singer too, he stopped because of health complications, but he had unmatched talent. As for myself, the only interest I’ve ever shown in music has been choir. I started singing when I was twelve and have kept at it to this day; recently, I was named president of the university’s choir which has been very exciting.
(Note: Writer chose to omit family’s identity.)
Even though I adore music, I’ve never found solace in it. My enjoyment has always been tainted by my family’s reputation. All my music teachers have always expected a type of innate talent that I simply don’t have; and that is fine. Take last night for example, my family threw a birthday party for my aunt and everyone was invited. They kept asking me to sing in front of everyone and, more than once, I politely declined. I could not be myself or feel free in a room where I knew I was going to be judged. Singing for singing’s sake is completely off the table for me. It has become a performance. My femininity has also been a point of debate among my family members, who happen to be mostly men; or should I say misogynistic men. Anytime I try to express my femininity or my sexuality, being that I am a queer woman, I’m met with comments on my body and questions on my future as a woman. “How do you plan to get a man with that outfit on? Do you know guys don’t like girls with hairy legs? How come you’ve never brought a boyfriend home?” It’s honestly aggravating. Those types of days make me wanna scream “I AM A LESBIAN” in their faces and let them see what their comments have put me through over the years.
Lastly, I’m an advertising major. My grandfather is one of the best jingle producers this island has to offer, and for that, I am incredibly proud. That said, I will not be continuing his legacy, because I’ve noticed that, as an anti-consumerist, advertising goes against my entire moral compass. Of course, I’ll get called every name under the sun for this choice, but frankly I don’t care.
Source: Pinterest
I have finally realized that “blood is not thicker than water.” If my own family would make me feel alienated, like I’m some “thing” that serves only as a name-carrier, I shouldn’t feel obligated to jump through hoops for them. The sad reality of this situation is that they don’t see ME; the whole world might love them, but I’ve been let down over and over again. Please don’t get me wrong though, I love my family, but I have a hard time respecting and supporting people who don’t have respect for me. From one of my good friends, I’ve learned the importance of decentering family. Some people have perfect and loving families for whom they would give everything up. In my case, I don’t have that, but I’m okay with it. It’s time I learned that I can’t make people appreciate me for who I am and not what I can be. From now on, the only people that will take center stage in my life are the ones that can show me respect NOW.