Self-discovery is a process we are all destined to face at some point during our lives. We must learn more about ourselves to further our growth, whether it’s academically, socially, or intrapersonally. This last one can be particularly meaningful for queer people like myself, who experience life through a different lens. For some, it could be as natural as breathing from a young age. In other cases, people may stifle their realization for fear of being rejected by their peers. In my case, I grew up catholic and realizing certain aspects of my attraction and gender identity was… interesting. While I could be a little more open with my social circle as we transitioned into high school, a lot of it had to be omitted around my more conservative family. Now, in college, I understand myself to a degree I hadn’t really achieved back then.
If you’ve followed my articles from the very start, you may remember my very first piece, in which I spoke about my experience understanding aromanticism and giving a pretty in-depth description of how I felt about romantic relationships: somewhat unattached to romantic partners or simply not interested in romantic relationships in general. I even went so far as to talk about my then-latest relationship and its unpleasant conclusion. Well… I may or may not have been wrong about assuming the aromantic label. I’ve managed to grow in an emotional context over the past few years, and I can recognize that I’m a little closer to being gray-romantic, meaning that I experience romantic attraction less frequently/less intensely. I also came to understand that that particular relationship I mentioned ended because we simply were not very compatible and had different expectations.
And you know what? That’s perfectly fine. Learning about my queerness over time has been very healthy. If I had, for whatever reason, confined myself to the aromantic label forever, I never would have let myself get into a relationship mere months after publishing that article, would never have let myself breathe for fear that I wouldn’t live up to the standard I set for myself. Feeling that kind of pressure constantly might have broken me, much like stressing over academics really hurt me at a certain point.
As with so many things, attraction is a spectrum, whether it’s romantic, sexual, platonic, or otherwise. I’ve learned to relax in terms of defining every part of my attraction at every single second. I’m not helping anyone by trying to figure out whether I want to be friends with someone, whether I want to date them, or whatever other options there may be. Of course, this is all within the realm of reason and maintaining civility and platonic relationships as is. It would be entirely unfair to have people in that limbo in which they’re unsure of my intentions. So I just try to be a kind, reliable person in their lives, regardless of how I could potentially feel about them.
Almost a year after the aromanticism article, I wrote about my experience with gender, and how I let myself explore it over time. Now, two years later, I can safely say that it is far more accurate in my perception of myself than its predecessor. I’ve continued questioning myself about whether or not my gender nonconformity really deserves to be labeled as being nonbinary. Most days are a little easier, though the doubts still creep in from time to time. Binding has become less and less frequent, seeing as I’ve faced some questioning about where the hell my chest has gone when wearing outfits of a less baggy variety. There has been some outside pressure in that aspect specifically, and maybe that’s why I’ve kept leaning back towards more feminine aesthetics and outfits.
But I’m still calling myself nonbinary. Like I said before, many things are a spectrum, including gender and gender expression. My nonconformity with regards to traditional femininity and the euphoria I feel whenever I dress how I truly want to (be it androgynous or otherwise) make me nonbinary. The comfort and ample space to define my gender identity granted by such a term make me happy in a way that can be difficult to convey to people who haven’t had similar experiences. But I still want to try, especially with my family. Because I love them so much, I want them to understand me as much as possible. I would like for them to understand in a way similar to how my friends understand, even though the generational differences are sure to present a challenge.
Yet here I find myself, not caring about the obstacles I will surely face during my endeavor. Because I am happy with myself. My beautiful queer self.
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Please make sure to show yourselves and the people around you this kindness and acceptance. Everyone’s circumstances are different and you never know when the warmth of an “I see you” is necessary.