2024 was the year in which, for the greater good of my sanity, I only cared about me and mine; however, most importantly my relationship with myself. She now receives grace, compassion, respect, love, and the self-love I dreamt of one day having. Where confidence became a root for my strength and belief toward myself and capabilities. Where I had the confidence to trust that I know what and who is right for me.
In reality, (wanting to be in) relationships can suck.
In all fairness, like I have mentioned in past articles, last year was my year of canon events. I had a canon event so canonical it triggered more canon events adjacent to it. A standoff of canon events fighting for the winning spot happening in real time. Not a pretty picture, let me tell you.
Here’s the gist: dating in general is very complex; it’s tedious and takes time. It can entail, not only understanding the whole of an entire other person and loving or appreciating them regardless, but also the part that some may skip or ignore, which is when it comes to giving yourself that same grace and care.
And it was my time to hit that brick wall, so I could suffer the consequences of self awareness.
Deal with your shadow or your shadow will deal with you
*crickets*
I came to the realization that, since I wasn’t dealing with my own internal problems, I had to face them through the people that momentarily came into my life. It’s gnarly to undress oneself internally, to accept that we hold our future in our hands. And so, we truly do accept the love we think we deserve. A lightbulb moment came almost instantly: the warfare on effective communication. The avoidance and continuous overstimulation all around helped me suppress my actual problems. It felt like covering the sun with my hand. I swear you could hear a pin drop in my therapist’s office when the conclusion came to be. It was an incredibly uncomfortable situation; and because of such discomfort, I knew I had to put my big girl panties on and get to work.
Okay, let me give a quick rundown on what I mean. Many people around the world have (shocker) struggled to date because, as I have mentioned before, the dating pool sucks on an astronomical level. I stumbled fatefully upon one of these people who decided to take their complaints to the internet. They commented on a curious movement called “boy sobriety,” which for me didn’t quite cover the entire bases since I like the wine not the label. They explained how they felt exhausted by the rodeos and were on a “boy sober” journey. I, too, felt for their experiences, and the message resonated. It triggered something inside me, thus a lot of thinking came into play.
As I sat with my moments of dreary, but necessary, introspection, I tried to look for solutions to my own problems with my own circumstances. At first, I believed it was all just a blame game; it was the easiest albeit less graceful route. I was looking for a box to categorize or intellectualize my problems instead of facing them. Making past people in my life villains, so I could excuse and rationalize what I hated most. I let them do such things, consciously or subconsciously, whatever the case may be… I accepted it.
Accepted it because I believed it’s what I deserved. It was the only behavior that seemed natural in my head (which doesn’t excuse it, but merely gives it one of those labeled boxes we as humans use to give meaning)!!!
Swiftly came the blame toward myself; which is incredibly unfair, I know. Self-scrutinizing because there just wasn’t any knowledge of “better” at that time, but hey, I’m here and self-aware now, aren’t I?
Why am I even telling you this sob story? You may be wondering.
After so many nights of lingering questions and hopeless tears, I made a choice. I needed to go cold turkey on dating and the idea of falling in love. This whole achingly painful, yet necessary, realization aided me to get to that point in my life where I officially went relationship sober.
I had to map it out and set proper intentions.
No flirting. No dating. No talking stages. No more situationships. No more escaping myself.
I needed to know myself, understand her, embrace her with the good, the bad, and the ugly. No ifs or buts.
Of course, not everyone who tries relationship sobriety has the same mindset or rules. So, if you try this out (which I heavily recommend that at some point everyone should), the timelines and hard or soft limits are up to your discretion.
For me, I gave myself a year. A good, solid, single year.
A year full of therapy, hobbies, academic progress, growth, and even clear skin (god bless).
A year of introspection, loud silence, and quiet noise.
One where I noticed patterns and corrected some, accepted others, and, in general, learned to choose me.
A year in which my attention wasn’t stolen, nor my energy limited; instead, it was channeled.
I was there with myself for myself, and by doing so, the bonds that I have with my friends and family grew stronger. And after all this, could you believe that in the blink of an eye a year passed?
No stress to respond to a text message so they wouldn’t lose interest, or questioning if I was enough or desirable. All this because there was a moment, a simple beat in time, where there was an investment of what used to be, let’s say, unappreciated energy—because it was never misused or wanted—towards the gem that is me, myself, and I. And it actually made me healthier, who would’ve thought? Not me!
As the relationship sober year came to an end, the sober mindset stuck with me. Not entirely, but it really made me understand and appreciate the importance of my own time and energy, or how we distribute those to other people, making sure they know the importance of it.
I grew.
As a consequence of taking that one year, there is now an opportunity for me to understand, love, and care for someone deeply and dearly, yet not lose sight of the fact that… I love myself more.