As an adult, it becomes harder and harder to hang out with friends since life’s many responsibilities always seem to find a way to interfere with one’s social life. However, my friends and I have managed to spend some time with each other quite regularly; usually by meeting at one of our houses, watching a movie, or going out to eat.
When choosing a movie, we have a habit of immediately researching the best horror movies ever made. By best, I’m actually referring to movies of incredibly low-quality, horrible acting, and atrocious plots that make you want to cry tears of joy when they end. We usually look out for those with one-star ratings, and boy, are they an experience to watch.
From all the horrible movies we’ve seen so far, the one I’m about to cover has been one of the worst.
Let’s talk about Birdemic: Shock and Terror. An hour and a half of my life that I will never get back. Going into this movie, I had zero expectations, but somehow it still managed to shock and terrify meーso by the looks of it, the title got something right. It started with seemingly endless opening credits. As they rolled (in Arial, size 16, Bold), we took a long look at a guy driving through a “beautiful” landscape; a road decorated with stop lights, cars, and trees. The 3-minute-and-25-second-long opening credits scene featured background music that sounded like it was downloaded from Limewire, back in 2000. The car finally stopped and the guy, who’s name is Rod, walked into a restaurant. From the moment the waitress said, “Hi,” we immediately noticed how the sound of her voice was clearly delayed, so my friend and I started laughing.
Upon arriving, Rod meets Natalie: a girl he went to high school with who is now a model. The two exchange cards. Yes, cards. We later find out that he’s actually the best salesman in some company, who sold something for one million dollars. After a long day of work, even though it’s as sunny as it was when he entered his office in the morning, he calls the girl. She mentions how she got a job offer from Victoria’s Secret and he says she’ll look great in their lingerie. My friend and I glance at each other knowingly. Creeper alert? He invites her to dinner and then hangs up without agreeing on a date or time. Fast-forward to him playing basketball with a coworker/friend, and he tells him that he and Natalie agreed to have lunch on the weekend. What? Wasn’t it dinner?
His and Natalie’s date was a complete cringefest; The Room had better dialogue than this. Throughout the entirety of the date, Rod boasts incessantly about himself. Geez, let the girl say something. After the date, they look at some flowers outside and notice three CGI birds slowly land on top of them. Attempting to explain how bad it was won’t do it justice, all I can say is that my friend and I burst out laughing. Then the couple dance in front of a green screen that is supposed to represent a club. Cue more laughter. They couldn’t even go to a real one?
Fast-forward to Rod and Natalie going out on another date, walking down a beach, with the God-awful sound of the wind hitting the camera, it’s so unbearably loud that you can hardly hear them talk, until they come across a dead CGI bird. It looked like it was in mid flight, but turned upside down for the sole purpose of seeming dead. Cue laughter. By this point, we’re all convinced that this movie is more of a comedy than it is a horror movie. Soon after, the irreverent couple go to a restaurant where they decide to dance, and for 2 minutes and 3 seconds, these two were doing the whitest dance moves you can imagine, including the robot. I was yelling at them to stop through the screen. Once that’s over and done with, thank goodness! They decide to go to a motel, where we go through another cringefest of them making out, him calling her “divine”, and a look of Natalie’s dirty feet while they kiss. In retrospect, they should have told her to wash them or at least put on some socks before shooting that scene.
After they do the deed, they wake up to see CGI birds fluttering amidst plane noises and explosionsーone even flies headfirst into a concrete wall, which leads to its ultimate demise. Of course, even more laughter ensued. As they’re processing this rude awakening, Rod and Natalie meet another couple and together they decide to run to their car. As they do, they fight off the oncoming birds with hangers. “Oddly” enough, the birds don’t even moveー instead, they just stay in the same position, moving their wings gently, while the actors wiggle their makeshift weapons, my friend and I were screaming, and just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did! Rod’s new friend takes out an AK-47 and starts shooting at the birds as they drive away. This gun has unlimited ammo, mind you.
They come across two kids and decide to bring them along because, why not? Now, as they find themselves smack dab in the middle of this bird epidemic, they all decide it’s a good idea to have lunch outside in a field, where they miraculously come across a scientist/bird expert. After giving a whole lecture on climate change and its effect on the birds, he walks away. At this point, only 30 more minutes remain before the movie ends. Spoiler alert: it had been a while since we had first wanted it to be over. Never before have I been so distraught by bad acting that it had made me want to cry. That being said, I needed to see how it ended, so we all pushed through this unpalatable experience.
The other couple eventually meet their untimely end. The girl died because she needed to use the bathroom and was immediately attacked as she squatted in the middle of the field, and the guy died after coming across a bus full of people, having managed to help them out, and getting showered by a disgusting brownish liquid that spontaneously kills them all. What?! These birds gave no indication whatsoever that they could barf or pee acid before. We can’t really tell from where that liquid came from, but this fact made it all the more hilarious.
Now, it’s just Rod and Natalie with the kids. They get stopped by a guy that pulls a gun on them to take their gas, and as he backs away, a bird flies in front of him, cutting his throat. Since when do these birds have knives for wings!? They get back in the car and escapeーbut forget the gas as they’re making a break for it. How can anyone be so empty-headed? To take a break, they decide to head to the forest where they meet a guy that loves nature and talks about global warming. After his speech ends, they run away because the birds set the forest on fire. Seriously? These birds are pyromaniacs too? When their car suddenly stops in front of a beach and birds start attacking the outside, one of these birds flies headfirst into the windshield, dying on impact. Another round of laughter. Suddenly, the birds go away and the four of them get out of the car and watch as they fly away. This whole scene of them just watching as the birds fly into the distance, lasted 5 minutes and 30 seconds. My friend and I took a sigh of relief and literal tears of joy streamed down our faces as we finally passed the hurdle that was watching this movie. So, to anyone that wants to watch this movie… don’t.