Can Marriages Survive Without Love?

Marriage is usually interpreted as the union between two people who love each other and intend to spend the rest of their lives together; It is what most parents teach kids, what we were shown in movies and tv, and what society has deemed as a life goal. But if we think a little further back, our great-grandparents or even our grandparents did not factor love in their decision for marriage. When we take a look at the divorce statistics between generations, modern marriages have a higher divorce rate than ever in history. Was the absence of love the reason those marriages lasted so long? Is the inclusion of love in marriages making them crumble? Can marriages survive without love?

Undoubtedly, marriages have evolved throughout history, going from a way of securing legitimate children for the man; to a religious ceremony prohibiting divorce; to modern marriages where religion has lost its power and more variations of traditional marriage have emerged. It is this evolution of marriage that answers the question of whether love destroys or unifies a marriage. See, marriages have always served a societal purpose—it is the reason they were created and the reason they still stand today. In ancient Greece, for example, marriage was a way to secure legitimate children to inherit their father’s land and other assets. They knew and practiced the concept of love as professed in their tales, but its role in marriage was a little different. Love described in Greek tales takes more of a physical form, where a man’s declaration of love for a woman was followed by a description of her beauty. Therefore, love in a marriage was sort of an add-on, not the reason the union occurred. Marriage was focused on the breeding capabilities of the woman; the conception of legitimate children was the reason for the union and the inability to do so was cause enough for the man to divorce his wife and marry another woman.

 Contemporary marriages are the complete opposite of ancient Greek marriages. In numerous polls conducted around the United States, love has been shown to be the number one reason for marriage, followed by religion and the prospect of starting a family. We tend to think that marriage now provides a healthier and more joyous married life since both partners choose to marry each other. If this statement is true, then why do divorce rates continue to spike? Because marriage has become a choice, not a stage of life.  It is this change alone that has produced a worldwide hysteria over the fragility of marriage today and the risk of losing the “traditional” family. Just as getting married is a choice, staying married also proves to be a choice. Divorce has become an option in marriages, whereas in previous decades, religious beliefs and sacraments prevented couples from getting divorced. There aren’t any statistics showing that divorce rates are exceedingly high because couples are falling out of love, or that love is causing marriages to crumble. Essentially, divorce rates are so high because divorce has become increasingly accessible in the last decade. It is still extremely expensive and not completely accessible due to religious and economic factors, but now more and more people have access to it.

Was the absence of love the reason those marriages lasted so long? No, the absence of love was not the reason for arranged marriages or our great-grandparents having exceedingly long marriages. Instead, it was the religious prohibition and social scandal of divorce that prevented couples from doing so. Women were fully economically dependent on their husbands, and the thought of leaving their children without a roof over their heads prevented them from even thinking about a divorce. Today women are an essential part of the workforce and contribute substantially to their household income.  When considering the idea of divorce, economic dependency in some cases would not constitute an obstacle. 

Is the inclusion of love in marriages making them crumble? Love is not the cause of modern divorces, but rather the notion that only love is needed in a marriage and that it is enough to withstand all. Marriage is a living, breathing organism that consists of multiple parts working together constantly to make it grow and survive. Love brings two people together, but commitment, communication, common interest, compatibility, aspirations, economy, education, values and so much more is what actually “makes or breaks” a marriage or a relationship. It is the notion of security in a marriage that often becomes the downfall of it. Thinking you or your spouse don’t have to make a continuous effort to grow and care for each other, just because “we are already married” and  “she’s / he’s not going anywhere”, really becomes the reason why a lot of relationships don’t survive. 

Can marriages survive without love? It is not a simple yes or no answer. Marriage differs from individual to individual, in terms of religion and culture. Some marriages may survive without love, but in turn, those couples may live an unhappy life with each other. On the other hand, marriages based on love tend to become more futile and have a shorter life span if not properly cared for. In the end, each individual needs to dig deep and uncover their definition of what they want their marriage to be. Communicating with your partner about expectations and desires may be the key to a long and happy marriage. 

• love
• marriage
• relationships