I had plans, dreams, aspirations, and goals. Don’t get me wrong, I probably, maybe, sort of still do, but I can’t help not really knowing what they are. What’s my plan? Where did my dreams go? I wanted so many things, and I worked and keep working hard for it, but what’s it? It felt like I was close to achieving most of it, but somehow everything fell out of place and made me feel lost. Like, if there are no more plans or dreams, this is just a life filled with false hopes and fantasies.
I’m living in this huge agony, where life has stopped making sense. I don’t know what to think, or do, or be. I guess I should just stick to being me, but who am I? I’m losing it all. I forgot how to keep calm, and most importantly, I have no clue how to move on. I think it’s safe to say that I have no idea what I’m doing. Maybe I shouldn’t be saying that at all.
People ask me if I’m okay, if there’s something wrong, but I don’t know the answer to either of those questions. Am I okay? No. Is there something wrong? No. Okay, maybe I do know the answer, but how can I explain to people what’s going on, if I can’t seem to understand it at all? Do I lie and say I’m okay when the truth is I have this fire in my head that won’t go away? Or do I say I’m not okay and risk bothering them? No, bad idea, I don’t want to bother anyone. Go away, no, stay. Don’t leave me alone, just leave, but take me with you. Help me find my way, help me understand what it is that you want from me!–I say to myself.
How can I feel so anxious when I’m so calm? I hate this feeling of numbness. It’s like a semicolon: does the sentence keep going? Or do I start a new one? What am I supposed to do with all these feeling inside of me when the truth is I feel nothing.
How can I convince myself that I will get pass through this, if I’m not really sure I will? What can I do? Where should I go? Even if I knew the answer to these questions, I don’t anymore.
I’m so lost, but that’s okay.
I don’t have to be in control all the time, I don’t need to know where I’m going or what I am doing every second, because it’s okay to feel this way. Sometimes we need to be lost in order to find ourselves, in order to become a better version of who we once were. We will always get to the place we belong, even if we take another road. That’s just how life works, it teaches us to refresh and start over.
I may be lost, but I know I’ll get there. So, for now, just this once, I will give in and let things be.
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