I’ve been recently broken up with, and I thought writing an open letter to the dumper would help me vent my feelings, as well as help other dumpees see a different perspective. A lot of people have told me that the solution to this is to just be mad, forget him,never speak to him again, delete his number, etc. But I think these are not the best ways to handle break ups, particularly when the relationship didn’t end badly. Author Henry Miller, once said “The best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature.” So I decided to write an article to express my emotions about the situation,to prove that breakups can be handled differently and that venting can, in fact, be VERY helpful, particularly when you don’t want to say any of these things directly to your ex.
The Letter
Hi, It hasn’t been very long since you left me, about a week, maybe. I still wonder whether I did something that might have caused this. It was so sudden and you caught me so off guard. I didn’t know what else to do other than just cry. I think, maybe, you acted on a whim. I think you may have let other people’s opinions make the decision for you. I mean, it’s not like your family and friends were big fans of me, at least not after the first break-up. I will never understand why you had to do it over text, though. After what we went through together, you couldn’t even say it to my face, and when I went to see you, all you did was tell me we were never getting back together. You wouldn’t even tell me why.
I wish you would’ve done it sooner or at least given me a warning instead of just saying that out of nowhere. I know you think it was obvious and I know you are happier now, you’ve told me.I have to force myself to understand, otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to even see you. Some time has passed now and I am starting to feel better. I am starting to feel how you feel, not exactly happier than when we were together but at least somewhat happy.
I can’t say I am completely over this, but I’m getting there, and I look forward to being friends. I hope that one day we will both look back on all our problems as a couple and laugh and be happy we once dated but were still able to keep in touch. Our time together, despite the ups and downs, made me the happiest I have ever felt in a relationship.
Thank you for taking me out on so many great dates and for letting me choose the restaurants. Thank you for writing me so many letters and writing so much on my birthday card. Thank you for the flowers and the late night conversations. Thank you for teaching me how to play random songs on your bass and for teaching me how to play basketball. Thank you for making me feel special and beautiful even when I was at my worst. Thank you for everything.
With love,
Your Ex
What I am Starting to learn Now
I learned one really big thing from all of this and it’s that I don’t necessarily miss him (at least not all the time) but, rather, I miss what I remember, like a having someone care about me and be around all the time. As time passed, I realized I just want someone to look out for me like he used to, but I don’t necessarily want him. To an extent, what I felt and still feel is a longing to connect with someone, a connection I found with him but lost a while ago. Even though I still think the connection is there, at least from my end, we wouldn’t be stable, and that is (we had broken up before) not healthy for either of us.
The more time that passes only makes me see things with a clearer point of view. I still love him, despite everything, and that means I want him to be happy, I want him to be stable and happy with himself and his life in general. It sounds pretty cliché, but it has never felt more true and the fact of the matter is that if I love him, I have to let him go. Just because it hurts now does not give me the right to force/shame/ guilt him into being with me. He obviously was not happy, he might not have handled the situation in the best way, but ultimately that was it; he was not happy. I could be mad, I could be burning pictures of him, I could be ignoring him completely, but after spending almost a year with him, it just doesn’t feel right. Once you’ve shared so many moments, secrets and late night conversations, it just wouldn’t sit right with me to just go from that to complete strangers.
Many people say that exes can’t or shouldn’t be friends. “There’s too much history”, “How can you trust them again?”, “ They were such [insert insult here]”. But, I think, it all depends on how everything ended. I think the only times that friendship could be difficult or, even, impossible would be in cases of infidelity, abuse or any other type of emotional or physical trauma. In my case, he fell out of love, he no longer felt happy in the relationship (again, the situation was not handled in the best way). Based on that I don’t see a reason why, once the dust has settled, we wouldn’t be able to be friends.
I guess, in a way, I am writing this to vent my feelings, but I want it to be able to help someone as well. Because some other girl is probably sitting, heartbroken, trying to understand what to do after the guy she thought she was going to marry, leaves. I hope that this helps somehow; helps you see things differently and not how a lot of people are going to tell you to see them. In time, you will realize you have to be thankful for the happiness you felt with them and accept it’s over, but you will feel the same emotions again someday.