Whether you are rooming with your good friend from high school or learning to live with a total stranger, one thing’s certain: having roommate beef is stressful AF.
Whether it’s the lifestyle choices or the level of companionship that makes you gravitate towards (or away from) rooming with someone, compatibility is half the battle. Maybe you have a horrible roommate, or maybe you’re overall pretty compatible– and you truly wish to work it out on the remix.
This article showcases a methodical approach to squashing the beef and aligning yourself with your desire to feel comfortable at home– regardless if you choose to renovate your “roommate contract” in the future.
Compatibility (Though Crucial) Is Not Always Guaranteed.
Sometimes, the decision of rooming with someone is completely out of our hands. Many students have to make do with a less-than-ideal living arrangement, for reasons ranging from convenience (i.e. living close to campus) to having to save money on rent.
Co-creating a healthy living space is NOT an easy task.
Therefore, it’s important to remember that effective communication and compromise are also essential for building a positive and harmonious living situation.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
For some people, it’s important to cut roommates some slack. Juggling housework, school, a social life, and a good night’s sleep– it’s hard.
Nonetheless, keeping roommate beef unsolved is depleting, especially when a roommate’s habits impact the flow of our daily lives.
Honesty and open communication are a driving force in making (or breaking) a roommate relationship. The basis of lasting conflict resolution is finding a mutual understanding within each individual’s needs & wants— align with your desire to be heard & respected.
I Mean… Get It, But Confrontation is My OPP.
It’s common to feel a sort of aversion to clear communication when you are feeling frustrated. You are not alone in this sentiment- and neither is your roommate.
W.O.O.P Your OPP!
In her book, titled Rethinking Positive Thinking, clinical psychologist Gabriele Oettingen defines W.O.O.P. as a structured thinking approach to achieve specific goals.
Personally, I’ve found W.O.O.P super effective in helping me reorient my fear & anxiety into a structured and solution-oriented mindset toward solving roommate beef.
W.O.O.P. involves 4 simple steps: Thinking about your…
- (W)ish
- Best (O)utcome
- Potential (O)bstacles
- If/then (P)lan
Why W.O.O.P.?
W.O.O.P. helps to narrow the scope of a general feeling of frustration toward specific events/behaviors.
The Best Part? W.O.O.P.ing takes 5 minutes! Click here to initiate a guided W.O.O.P. session.
How To W.O.O.P.
Wish: Clearly define what you want to achieve or change in your roommate relationship.
- Example: “I want to have a cleaner and more organized living space.”
Outcome: Visualize the positive outcome of achieving your wish. In this case example, it might be “I feel more relaxed and comfortable in my dorm when the common areas are tidy.”
Potential Obstacles: Identify the potential obstacles that might hinder your progress. These could include communication difficulties, conflicting schedules, or differing cleaning habits.
- Think: dig deep, and focus on yourself, your feelings, and experiences.
- Example: “Coming home to a dirty kitchen makes me feel stressed.”
- Evaluate your openness to handle conflict: You might ask yourself…
- Can I find a compromise within this specific issue?
- Can I communicate my wish to my roommate more effectively?
- Find creative solutions: Evaluate behaviors that contribute to a more pleasant and constructive life.
- Example: “Maybe I can explain how I clean the kitchen area, so they can learn to do it just how I like it.”
Plan: Create a specific plan to overcome these obstacles.
- Implement an If/Then Plan:
- Example: “If my roommate doesn’t clean the kitchen area, then I will propose a plan to organize the cleaning of the kitchen area ASAP.”
Open yourself to the possibility of finding solutions!
Maybe your roommate has some stuff they want to work out as well.
My advice? Write down the agreements achieved, on a piece of paper. Place the piece of paper where it’s readily available for all roommates to read.
- For instance, you might schedule regular cleaning sessions or propose a roommate agreement (i.e. agree to invite people over only during certain days of the week, etc.). Aim to seek compromise when disagreements arise.
Create a motivational experience!
Before talking to your roommate, try voicing your concerns (privately, in a journal) without judging your place in exploring your thoughts.
Then, seek out to address the issue directly with your roommate.
Raise the white flag. Build a safe space for all parties to express their thoughts openly. Carry out conversations with respect, and remain open to assess & accept criticism as well.
Hashing out differences is part of the learning-to-roommate process. Don’t take negative feedback personally! Setbacks are not a threat but now an opportunity to better fulfill your wish.
By focusing on both of your wishes, gain a clearer understanding of how to collaborate and work towards achieving your #roommate goals.
Nevermind, I still Want To Move Out. What now?
If meeting in the middle generates more frustration than benefits, sometimes moving out is the proper solution to create a healthy living space for ourselves.
However, it’s important to close this chapter openly and honestly.
- Be considerate. Give your roommate a specific time frame in which you would like to move out.
- Contribute in sorting out the living arrangements in a way that feels worry-free for everyone involved.
- Example: change the lease name, electricity & water billing information in a timely manner.
- Hold yourself accountable.
- Be mindful, take your stuff with you. When you move out, leave your room spotless. Leave your cabinets, fridge and closet space empty. It’s a nice way to communicate consideration.
- Stay in touch. Maybe you were never besties, but avoid treating your ex-roommate like a stranger. Life happens! And there’s no need to carry roommate beef with you.