We all have that one friend who’s been through more emotional rollercoasters than we can count. From skillful manipulators with angelic façades to partners with a sweet tooth for control, the stories are endless. After hearing such horrifying tales, I couldn’t help but wonder: why isn’t there some sort of emotional check you have to pass before you’re allowed to love someone?
But then I thought, maybe it’s not just others who need these checks — it’s ourselves too. We love to distance ourselves from catastrophic partners; after all, no one wants to believe they’re the villain in a love story. Yet, it’s often our own mistakes, tied to our shaky sense of self-love, that make relationships crumble.
So, let’s talk about those mistakes. Yes, yours and mine. Sorry for putting you on the spot, but let’s be real — we could all use a little emotional check (and not all of us would pass). To make this a little less guilt-inducing, I’m going to focus on the mistakes we make when our self-worth is on shaky ground. There are two types: mirror mistakes and picture mistakes.
Mirror mistakes are the ones we make that hurt ourselves. I call them “mirror” mistakes because the person causing the hurt and the person being hurt are one and the same: us. Staying with someone who makes you unhappy because you feel dependent on them? Mirror mistake. Taking the blame for everything wrong in your relationship, even when it’s not entirely your fault? Mirror mistake.
Then, we have picture mistakes, the ones that hurt others. I call them “picture” mistakes because you’re seeing things through a self-deprecating lens, and that perspective leads you to hurt someone else. These mistakes include trying to control your partner out of fear of losing them or being excessively jealous because you believe everyone else is better than you.
The thing is, both mirror and picture mistakes build on each other like a Jenga tower. The more mistakes you make, the shakier the tower gets, and eventually, it’s going to collapse. The only way to keep it standing? Draping a self-love cloth over that mirror and viewing the world through a self-love lens. That way, your tower remains steady.
One key part of our journey to self-love is self-respect. Once we get a handle on that, we learn to set boundaries, recognize what no longer serves us, and truly realize our worth. Just like that, you’re less likely to make moves that wreck your relationships.
Sounds good, right? Love yourself and flourish! But hold on — there’s another element of self-love that we need to keep in check: self-awareness. Now, being self-aware isn’t the fun part. Just like nobody likes being the bad guy in love, nobody likes picking themselves apart (unless you’re perfect, in which case, feel free to write the next article). But self-awareness isn’t about hyper-fixating on every little thing you’ve done wrong. It’s about knowing where you can improve and understanding how your behavior impacts others. The trick is not to be too hard on yourself. Whether you’ve got fifty areas to work on or have made some pretty questionable choices, talk to yourself with kindness. This is all part of your journey.
When self-love is lacking, our partners inevitably feel it. Sometimes, that lack weighs down the relationship until you pull the final Jenga piece that’s been holding everything together — and it all comes crashing down. There are two types of people who pull that piece. The first group doesn’t realize they need to work on themselves, so they keep repeating the same mistakes in new relationships. The second group acknowledges what’s missing and puts in the work to build the self-love needed to fix the issues. Can you guess whose tower is more likely to stand?
Self-love isn’t easy. If it were, we’d all just “Nike” our way through it — we’d just do it. We all want to love ourselves — or maybe the better way to say it is, we all deserve to love ourselves — but sometimes, we just don’t know how. While I don’t have a jar full of self-love tips, here’s what seems to help: forgiveness, gratitude, perspective, courage, and will.
Forgive yourself and others for the past. Let go of what’s gone and move on to what’s waiting for you. A therapist once told me, “If you’re holding on to what’s in the past, how are you going to make room for what belongs in your future?” Be present. You don’t have to become your past.
Be grateful for what you have. Even if your love life — whether with yourself or others — isn’t great, there’s so much more to life. There’s friendship, work, family, dreams. Do what makes you happy. Whether that’s running naked into the ocean or reading a book upside down, let yourself feel the joy in those moments. Recognize what makes you feel good, and keep doing it. Your happiness is up to you.
Here’s some perspective: we’re all just flecks of dust floating around on a giant blue ball, surrounded by billions of other flecks, each with their own story. When you think about it that way, the wrong turns in our lives don’t seem so huge, right? Your story is so much bigger than your mistakes, so love the whole story.
Have the courage to like yourself. Often, we dislike things about ourselves that are simply part of who we are (aside from the traits we need to improve, of course). So why not embrace those parts? The people who matter — including you — will love all of you, not just like, but love. If you think you’re “too much” or believe you’re a little nerdy and it’s annoying—please, be as too much and as nerdy as makes you happy.
But all of this is useless without will. You can’t truly love yourself if you don’t have the desire to. The trick is to start by wanting to be better. Identify the patterns that aren’t self-loving — whether it’s not speaking up for yourself or feeling so insecure you believe you’re unlovable — and commit to changing them.
At the end of the road, when you finally reach the “I love myself” milestone, you’ll make fewer mistakes, and your relationships — with yourself and others — will be better. But remember, don’t rush it. Like everything else in life, if you want it done right, it takes time. Maybe, even though you’d like to run emotional checks on the people who would likely fail (and you know who they are), the most important thing is to turn those checks on ourselves.
After all, they say you attract what you are; so be someone who loves themselves above all else.