Dating is insane! With all the trends going around social media, like #WomenInMaleFields, I thought I’d share some not-so-red flags that we often dismiss, miss entirely, or make excuses for. I get it, you were in love, but please don’t make that mistake again. We all know how it turned out … yikes.
They listen but…
They listen! What more can you ask for? They aren’t fighting or defending themselves; they’re actively listening to your complaints, sorrows, suggestions…right? Yeah, but have they done anything about it?
A good listener is only as good as what they do afterward. If you’ve expressed, “Hey, I’m having this issue with you, and I’m feeling frustrated. Any chance we can fix this together?” and they gave you a non-answer like, “Baby, what do you want us to do?” it’s time to start walking the other way.
Oftentimes, they’ll apologize too, but they won’t change their actions. If you have to bring up the same issue more than once and you’re always met with an apology, then yes, they are listening … but that’s not enough.
Lack of Effort
Honestly, this goes hand in hand with the point above. Apologizing is typically low effort, especially when you’re asking for one. Sure, it’s a higher-effort move if they apologize without being prompted … but let’s be real, that’s not the case here.
Not planning dates? That’s also a lack of effort. And no, this doesn’t just mean they didn’t suggest a date. It includes when you suggest something, and all they do is say “yes.” Saying “yes” is easy. Going with the flow is easy. If they’re not actively planning dates, calling you first, or setting up time to cuddle or cook together, they’re not putting in the effort.
Your partner should be intentional with you. They should work hard to pursue you and maintain the relationship. This doesn’t mean it needs to be hard, but it should always require effort.
They’re still a mystery
Babes, I don’t know how to tell you this, but if you’ve been with someone for more than 1 ½ years and you still feel like they’re a complete mystery … it’s because they are.
By this point, you should have a good grasp on who they are. You might not know their deepest, darkest secrets or their godfather’s name, but you should know they have siblings, what their childhood pet was named, their likes, dislikes, what upsets them, their aspirations etc.
If you still feel like you barely know them, it’s often because they’re hiding something from you — whether they realize it or not. This is typically a sign of insecurity. Keeping personal thoughts and feelings to themselves might stem from fear, but if they’re omitting this truth from you, it’s a problem.
Insecurities can be worked on in a relationship, but only if they’re honest about them with both themselves and you.
Everything needs to be a conversation
O-M-G. This one goes over so many heads — including my own. If they try to make everything a conversation, take note.
They make a distasteful joke, you call them out, and they pause the whole conversation to dissect it. Or maybe you forgot to put away a dish, and suddenly it’s a whole dialogue about cleanliness and habits.
Sometimes, things can be quick. Acknowledgment doesn’t always have to be a deep dive. Seeing the dish didn’t mean you immediately thought they were a slob who should never come over again. It just meant, “Hey, put it away next time.”
When everything is blown out of proportion, it’s a problem.
Not prioritizing the relationship
They’ll mask this really well. “Babe, my family comes first,” or “My career, baby — I’m doing this for us.”
And listen, I’m not saying you need to be #1 all the time. Sometimes they have to stay late at work or go a the family function. But doing those things shouldn’t negate you.
There are ways to prioritize work or family without making your partner feel like they’re on the back burner, even if they are. Prioritizing you doesn’t have to be grand gestures — it’s often in the little things. Maybe every other night, you watch a movie together. Maybe Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are work-focused, but the other days are reserved for quality time.
Don’t let them fool you into being there for them when they can’t even give you an ounce of attention or affection.
These are, in my opinion, the top “not-so-red flags” we often miss — or choose to ignore. Please, I promise you, there are better people out there who truly want to love and care for you. I know it’s scary to be alone, but cherish that time. Most of us are going to spend the latter half of our lives with a partner, children, and a community. Learn how to grow with yourself first. Someone will come along who fits into your life without requiring you to change who you are. The right person will see being by your side as a privilege and an honor. Don’t give that chance to someone who can’t get their life together.