Isn’t Self Love Enough?

Even when I didn’t know about it, the Bechdel Test constantly haunted me. To those who don’t know, it is a test used to measure female representation in media. It consists of three criteria in which there must be two named women who talk to each other about something other than a man. Even though this is supposed to be limited to digital media, I constantly wonder if there is a single day that goes by where I don’t fail the Bechdel Test. In a way, I could justify my failure as someone with friends of the opposite gender and someone who likes one too many male celebrities. However, I still wonder at the same time if this male centric thought has been ingrained in me due to societal expectations. 

For some reason, everyone has written out how a woman’s love life should go. From preschool through middle school, she is expected to have schoolyard crushes, giggling with her friends about who the cutest guy in the class is. In high school, she has her first boyfriend and plays with the idea of the first love. By college, she either breaks up with her first boyfriend and explores the scene or she defies the odds and makes the commitment to her high school sweetheart. Ultimately, by her mid-20’s, she needs to have met “the one” so she can quickly get married and begin her family life. 

While this timeline might seem relatively simple, and also heteronormative, it is never so easy. Placing such a timeline upon oneself can lead to various issues such as affecting one’s self-esteem. If we tie our entire self-worth to our ability to be in a relationship, it leads to a lot of self-doubt. If everyone around us seems to be in relationships, we begin to wonder what might be wrong with us or what makes us unattractive. We somehow fail to recognize that much of romantic relationships are based on chance and cannot be completely explainable. In this way, we essentially tie our self-worth to external validation. 

For the longest time, I thought I had accepted that such expectations were unrealistic and that as long as I was happy with myself it didn’t matter if I was receiving romantic attention from someone else. And yet, every single time I allowed myself to see the potential in someone, I immediately fell back into my old patterns of thinking I was only enough if they found something of value in me. Moving past that mindset is not easy, but first recognizing that the other person is not perfect and therefore are not in a position to be judging you is imperative. Constantly having this mindset can be draining; breaking it is the only way to ensure that you aren’t miserable all of the time. 

Now, even though it seems like everyone around me is in a relationship and Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching, I feel no negative emotions. Just because others around me have had the chance to experience what a romantic relationship might be like, it does not have to be a  negative commentary on my life. Right now, I am simply focused on my education and personal improvement. For that reason, I am happy with myself, my friendships, and my life and therefore, I don’t need a relationship to define me. 

• #feminism
• bechdeltest
• relationship
• self-love
• valentinesday