If you’re a college-aged individual who has tried their hand at dating, whether strictly by meeting people in-person or through dating apps, you’ve likely had an experience with someone you would describe as being “nonchalant.” Maybe you thought things were going really well, and then never heard back from them. (Yes, I am convinced being ghosted at least once is a rite of passage.) Maybe things ended abruptly and they were less than empathetic or kind, or acted like your feelings about the situation were an overreaction because you “were never actually dating.” Maybe they act more enthusiastic and affectionate at times, but other times are cold and indifferent towards you with no explanation. Or, maybe you’ve just tried to have genuine connections with people, and haven’t found anyone willing to go past the surface-level of superficiality.Â
As it tends to do so, the internet has brought about a resurgence of the word “nonchalance” in describing this modern dating struggle experienced by 20-somethings and college students everywhere. The term “nonchalant” as defined by Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, means “having an air of easy unconcern or indifference.” In the modern dating world, nonchalant behavior plays into the norms of “hookup culture,” situationships, and the ever-present goal of “keeping it casual.” On paper, it makes sense: a healthy amount of detachment and emotionlessness could prevent you from facing rejection, being emotionally hurt, being taken advantage of, or getting into a situation that you would rather not be in. Remaining relatively indifferent, keeping your feelings to yourself, and not giving away how much you care are all understandable methods of self-preservation and protecting one’s peace. However, I feel that issues arise when people take their nonchalant attitude too far, and cross-over into behaving with unnecessary callousness. I think this is experienced by many people in the form of poor communication — not being on the same page about whether a relationship is exclusive, long-term or short-term; or what each person’s general intentions are. Furthermore, people often justify their treatment of others by saying they are just a nonchalant person, when in reality they are disregarding the feelings toward their counterpart and are attempting to ignore the undeniably emotional aspects of sexual/romantic interactions and relationships. This is not to say that there’s anything wrong with dating casually, not being exclusive, or having less serious relationships. Rather, it’s simply the manner in which you go about executing these practices, and how you treat those you’re spending time with in the process. I believe it is wholly possible to date casually while still treating people with respect and empathy, honoring the inherently emotional aspect of intimacy with others.Â
I think that this epidemic of nonchalant, aloof behavior is a symptom of a larger issue of people being afraid to look like they care too much. Not only does this apply to dating, but in their friendships, personal interests/hobbies, and style and self-expression, the appearance of effortlessness is actually — for most — quite effortful. Being too enthusiastic or over-zealous may be perceived as annoying, disingenuous, attention-seeking, or obnoxious. In adolescence, we experience this by being teased for our more eclectic interests if our peers do not deem them “cool” at the time; as we get older, many experience the pressure to act older and engage in activities such as drinking and partying, all while acting unphased, cool and confident. As we grow into adulthood and start dating we learn to adopt a level of detachment from our emotions in order to preserve our feelings that will inevitably be hurt by our first heartbreaks or the ever-infamous “situationship.” And to a degree, it’s normal for our hearts to somewhat harden as we age; to cope with the harsh realities of life, we learn to grow a thicker skin. But when this “thick skin” prevents us from acting with kindness and respect, I think it is time to reassess our values, and be real with ourselves about how we truly feel.Â
While it’s far more difficult to wear your heart on your sleeve than to maintain mysteriousness, I believe there’s so much more to be gained from being honest and vulnerable with your feelings and intentions. It’s okay to admit that you care about someone, it’s okay to admit that their actions affect you, and you are not weak for doing so. Being honest about your emotions opens the door for real, genuine connection, rather than superficial comfort that inevitably fizzles out. While it’s risky to be vulnerable, and you could possibly get hurt by opening up to someone, or develop deeper feelings and when it may not work out, that risk will always remain worthwhile. In this way, “nonchalance” will always fail you; it will always prevent you from being your authentic self, in fear of appearing too affected or being more invested than others. In order to experience something “real,” we must be okay with swallowing our pride and showing that we care. With love, one must accept the possibility of rejection and proceed anyway.