I am not a fan of saying goodbye. As someone who moves around a bit, it isn’t something that I am unfamiliar with, but it never felt quite right. I’m more of a “see you later” or “see you soon” type of girl. The permanence associated with “goodbye” is something that makes me uncomfortable. If it’s meant to be, we’ll see each other again, so why do we use one common word for both permanent and temporary goodbyes?
As I move on from my undergraduate education, San Francisco, Her Campus and so much more, I’m torn. It isn’t goodbye, but I’m not sure when our paths will cross again, if ever. Life has an odd way of bringing everything back though, so I never try to get too hung up on it.
These past four years have been a rollercoaster. In the Fall of 2018, everything seemed so perfectly paved. Sure, there would be challenges, but looking forward, there was a plan, and nothing could stop this plan. For three semesters, most of the plan went as intended. Sure there were some unexpected movements in the realm of family, and friendships had their ups and downs, but it wasn’t anything we couldn’t handle.
In January 2020, I was optimistic. I had planned, applied and been accepted to study abroad from August 2020 to May 2021. I was excited, thrilled even. This is what my time in college was building up to, an entire year abroad in countries I had never been to.
Then March 2020 hit and nothing has been the same since. The ability to plan and expect plans to go as intended was taken from us, as everything became unpredictable. My loss of a year of studying abroad is nothing compared to what others have lost and continue to lose at the expense of the pandemic. These past two years have been unfathomable.
Over 6 million lives have been lost, and so many have become immune to this loss.
Humans are not built to withstand this long-term, continual trauma. Regardless of how good one’s coping mechanisms are, they are no match for a pandemic that has already lasted a quarter of a decade.
Personally, the pandemic has been an isolating time, but it has also been one of immense growth. I have been in my early 20s throughout the duration of the pandemic, so it probably would have been a time of growth regardless. However, I learned a lot about myself and my interests due to the state of the world. I returned to my young teen self’s focus and interest in health, with a new focus on global health. I went so far as to spend over 150 hours researching this while studying abroad, because I did get a semester in somehow, and am now continuing my education in this field. The pandemic has taught me a lot, but not without harm to so many.
The continual trauma we have felt has been amplified being back in San Francisco, a place that I remember positively from before the pandemic, but has been so strongly impacted by the economic implications of the pandemic.
I spent my senior year advocating for myself and trying to find the optimistic girl who I left here 18 months prior. She’s gone.
She’s grown and become wiser, but she’s no longer an optimistic girl with hopes of a bright future. She’s a pragmatic woman, who is arguably too pessimistic but doesn’t want to get her hopes up again, for fear of them being crushed.
I hope that that light can come back to me, but I’m not sure when it will or if it even can. I crave difference now and need a change of pace. That’s why I’m moving to Paris, hoping to fall in love with life again and find the light within me in the city of lights.
We’ve all been crushed by something, and we’ve all been repeatedly crushed throughout these recent years. If it takes crying in front of the Eiffel Tower again to make myself feel like the main character and feel better about everything again, then that’s what we’re doing next.
See you later, San Francisco. You served me through this odd time, and I’m curious to see who you’ll be and who I’ll be when I return to you sometime in the future.
For the final time,
HCXO,
MaryCate