I happen to be turning 21 in three days and as excited as I am, I also feel the need to mark the occasion by reflecting on the past two decades of my young life. To do that, I’ve decided to commemorate the 20 most important things I learned by age 20 in a letter to my younger self.
While I’m sure everyone gains valuable insight on life by the time that they reach 20 years old, I thought it would be especially valuable to share with my younger self a few fundamental lessons I wish she had known. Perhaps everyone feels this way, but I’ve had some exceptionally unique experiences that have taught me a lot along the way. If I had known 5 years ago what I know now, I’m sure some encounters would have gone a lot differently. But, with age comes experience, and with experience comes wisdom. While it hasn’t always been easy, I can confidently say I am grateful for every bit of it since it ultimately helped me become the person I am today (and I love her, duh).
So, sit back, relax, and enjoy me divulging to my younger self 20 of the most hard-earned, well-deserved lessons of my life. I embark on the next 20 years of my life with appreciation that I have this wisdom to move forward with; and now, you will too. (Disclaimer: any use of the word “you” in this article refers to me speaking only to my young self. These lessons are also not listed in any particular order.)
It’s not about you.
Someone flipped you off in traffic? It’s not about you. The person you like said they aren’t ready for a relationship? It’s not about you. Your mom, dad, brother, friend, etc. doesn’t make an effort to spend time with you? It’s not about you. People act based on the emotions and issues happening inside their own heads and nine times out of ten, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Don’t take everything so personally and accept that other peoples’ problems aren’t your problem.
It’s all about you.
Are your friends being d*cks to you for no reason? Is your family toxic, making you feel bad every time you see them? Does your job, school, partner, hometown, hobbies, routine, etc. make you unhappy? Cut them out, quit, move, create new hobbies and a new routine. This is your life — it is literally all about you. Don’t make choices based on what other people want or what you think you should do. And never settle in a bad situation just because it’s making other people happy. Do what you need to do to make yourself happy and f*ck everything else. It’s your life, they’re just living in it, babe.
If you didn’t get something you wanted, it’s because you deserve better.
This one is a little cliché, but it’s so true. I know you want to be with that guy really, really badly and there’s nobody else like him in the entire world (yeah, right), but I promise, you didn’t get to be with him because you deserve someone way better. The Universe (or God or karma or whatever you like to call it) really is looking out for you. And spoiler alert, there is a bigger and better version of him out there that will make you forget the other guy ever existed.
The opportunity wouldn’t exist if you weren’t ready for it.
If you feel nervous about attending an interview, taking a job, getting a promotion, going to a new school, or advancing to the next step in any way, you can do it. The opportunity only exists because you are ready for it. Yes, you. You are the best candidate because the chance would not have been offered to you if you couldn’t fulfill it. Take five minutes to be nervous, second-guess yourself, and let your anxieties snowball. Now, pull it together and get to work.
“When people treat you like they don’t care, believe them.”
Don’t thank me for this quote, thank Oprah Winfrey. Drill this into your head as soon as possible and I promise you will be better off. If you love the fact that your crush pretends not to care because it’s “part of the chase” or you think it’s fun to try to win their validation… allow me to redirect you. It’s not fun to beg somebody to care about you and feed them loads of attention while they ignore your existence. Telling yourself they’re acting like they don’t care because they’re hiding their true feelings sends the message that you deserve the lack of effort you’re receiving. That person is acting like they don’t care because they don’t care (shocking, I know). As hard as it can be to accept, it is, unfortunately, necessary. A person who cares about you will let you know that they care about you. Stop romanticizing apathy and clear the spot for somebody who deserves to be there.
Nobody is “too busy” for you. They just don’t like you.
This goes with number 5. If you reach out to friends, relatives, romantic partners, or whoever else about making plans and repeatedly get the response: “I’m busy” – next! Move on. They’re not too busy, you’re just not a priority. It isn’t about having time; it’s about making time. And everyone makes time for the stuff that truly matters to them. If someone didn’t make time for you, it’s because they made time for something more important to them.
You are not your past.
Read that again. You are not your past. Your past relationship doesn’t define you, what happened to you doesn’t define you, and your past self doesn’t define you either. You have the power to become any version of yourself that you want to be. Take advantage of this and continue choosing parts of yourself to work on. You’re worthy just the way you are, but you can always evolve and be better.
Trust your intuition no matter what.
All the time, in every situation, no matter who you’re with or where you’re going. If you see someone or something that gives you the immediate gut feeling of umm, hang on, that’s your intuition. It is there to protect you and it never fails. If you get a bad feeling about anyone or anything, act on it. Don’t worry about hurting anyone else’s feelings in the process, worry about why your body is throwing up a warning sign, and choose to keep yourself safe.
SPF every day, no exceptions.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Never go a day without SPF on your face (and neck and chest and hands, ideally your whole body, but prioritize those). No, you can’t skip it, even if you’re just sitting inside all day. UV rays still affect you and in 20 years when your skin is wrinkled, sagging, and full of sunspots, you’re going to wish you had just put the sunscreen on. (Disclaimer, there is nothing wrong with aging, but I would personally prefer my skin to look young for as long as possible. Also, long-term sun damage is extremely dangerous.)
Nobody gives a f*ck.
I mean this in the kindest, most comforting way possible: Nobody gives a fuck about you. Have you gotten a bad haircut recently and you’re not feeling like your best self? Do you have a new breakout? Are your nails grown out and chipped because you haven’t gotten them done in four weeks? Cool, nobody gives a f*ck. People don’t notice these things about you nearly as easily as you notice them about yourself. And if people do notice, they still don’t give a f*ck.
Alone time is everything.
Sufficient alone time every day is a must. And no offense, but you become an extremely unpleasant person to be around when you don’t get enough of it. It reconnects you with your own thoughts and feelings and gives you some well-needed reflection time. Whether you watch TV, paint your nails, get an iced coffee, or read a book, time spent alone is restorative and necessary. Be protective of it!
Hungry, thirsty, tired, clean.
This one is specially reserved for days when you feel down in the dumps. No matter what has happened that made you feel this way, you either feel sad, gross, unmotivated, hopeless, or some combination of the four. Before you lay there in misery any longer, eat something, drink some water, take a little nap, and take a nice hot shower. I can guarantee addressing these four needs will make you feel a million times better. Special thanks to Hannahaha on TikTok for putting this strategy into words.
You get to decide how much something affects you.
Sometimes things happen that make you feel frustrated, hurt, betrayed, annoyed, or a plethora of other emotions. It’s inevitable. As valid as these feelings are, they only affect you as much as you let them. Identify how you’re feeling and process that emotion before it completely ruins your mood. Don’t give temporary feelings the power to control you when you can control them.
Buy the concert tickets
Always buy the concert tickets you have your eye on. If you aren’t putting yourself into debt, I don’t care how much they cost. You will absolutely never regret buying the tickets and the show will be an experience you’ll never forget. Think of the stories you can tell! The money will come back and it’s there to be spent in the first place.
Travel at every opportunity possible
Traveling is easily your favorite thing to do when you have the chance to do it. There are so many places to see, foods to try, people to meet, and cultures to experience. It truly is amazing how different people’s lifestyles are from one another and you’re doing yourself a great disservice if you don’t experience as many as possible.
Move your body as much as you can
You are blessed to have a body that is healthy, mobile, and alive. Instead of being stagnant, find a way every day to move your body. You can do yoga, Pilates, lift weights, run, walk, swim, bike, jump, I don’t f*cking care. But do something. You never regret exercising after you’ve gotten up and done it, but you will regret not doing it. Moving your body is not only great for your heart health, but it also releases endorphins and improves your mood, confidence, and energy levels.
You don’t always have to be productive.
It’s so easy to fall into the modern-day trap of tying our productivity to our self-worth. Especially in America, many people fall into the daily grind of “Go, go, go. Move, move, move. Work, work, work.” You can come up for a breath and that’s perfectly okay. It’s easy for this societal attitude to make you feel worthless if you aren’t accomplishing something, making some amount of money, or checking off a list of chores every day. You are allowed to have days when you lay there and do absolutely nothing, and it doesn’t make you any less hard-working, respectable, or worthy. Besides, you’re still being productive, just in a different way. You’re prioritizing your mental health and taking a much-needed break.
What makes you upset is not anyone else’s problem.
As a young girl in a world full of people who don’t know anything about you or your internal struggles, the world is not always the easiest place to navigate. Everywhere, people are doing and saying things that may or may not sit well with the wounded parts of you. It can be easy to forget that despite being upset, you are still responsible for being a decent human being. Taking negative feelings out on other people makes it their problem when it is really yours. It also ruins experiences in the present when past feelings get projected onto innocent bystanders. Yes, those feelings are valid, yes you are allowed to feel those things, but you shouldn’t become irritable with everyone around you just because you were reminded of something bad.
Open your mind.
In general, you are better off keeping an open mind about most things in life. I know you have always hated asparagus. Try it again, you might like it this time. You’re afraid of flying on airplanes. Take a trip, it may not be as scary as you think. You never get along with people who have opposing political opinions from you. Have a conversation with them. You will probably still disagree by the end, and that’s fine, but maybe you’ll learn something new. Approaching everything in life with an open mind allows you every opportunity to learn, grow, thrive, and live as much as possible.
Vienna waits for you.
This one is extra special to you. So special, in fact, that you got this very quote tattooed on your arm. Vienna waits for you. In other words, everything you have ever wanted is out there waiting for you. And the cherry on top: life is long, and you have plenty of time to see everything you want to see, achieve everything you want to achieve, and live the life you have always wanted to live. Thank you, Billy Joel, for hitting it out of the park once again.
That will wrap us up for today. It feels good to reflect on these lessons knowing I have put in the hard work and experienced the hard times that taught me them all. I know there will be plenty more good times, bad times, and everything in between during the next 20 years of my life, but I am optimistic I can handle it all much better with these tools under my belt.