Pathetic. Naïve. Stupid. Weak…
These are the words my reflection spilled out as I sat staring into the mirror. My reflection revealed a fat cut lip. It not only allowed me to see my physical appearance, but also uncovered my messy insides. The mirror described me all in one word: broken.
Flashback, I am a freshman in high school. This was three years back, and the time period where it all began. Going into high school I didn’t care about school because all I wanted was to be desired and loved. Fifteen and I was ready for the man in the suit that stands waiting at the end of the aisle. Here I was, searching for this man.
I didn’t have to search long because within the first week of school I noticed I had someone’s attention. Within a couple weeks I noticed he began to have my attention as well. I was immediately drawn to him. His personality seemed to stand out as the other guys just wanted a peek to what I kept hidden. He was sweet, sensitive, and loving. I began to fall in love with the person he portrayed. That was the beginning.
However, the beginning only lasted so long. His sweetness became vile, his sensitivity became anger, and his love became obsession. Since, he only cared about me he expected me to only care about him. He began to command instead of ask as if he branded me his. His threats of leaving me were enough to make me obey. We never learned how to get along so there were fights more than two or three times a day. I developed anxiety from the stress, yet, there I was, being strung around like his puppet.
Whenever I did manage to cut the strings I never wandered too far. I was always back to hand my strings over to him. It was back and forth. I could never tell myself I deserved more because I didn’t believe I was valuable. His harsh words echoed in my head leading me to believe I was worthless. I was the person he shaped me into with his words and actions. Three years of mental abuse and I was no longer me.
Three years later, there I was, a stranger because my own reflection didn’t recognize this person I was. I allowed a man to be my steps. I allowed a man to take advantage of me and treat me like the trash to his garbage. I allowed this all for the price of love. My reflection whispered I was stupid because I believed he loved me even when the bruise on my lip said otherwise. Even a hit to the face couldn’t keep me from loving him.
Not too long after that did I find another whisper. This whisper however, was soothing rather than abrupt and condemning. This whisper was a whisper of love that filled my body with joy. The whisper said, “Follow me, and I will show you all you deserve.” This wasn’t the whisper of a man this time. Right then and there, in work, I broke down. I prayed to the God I forgot existed. I told Him I would give my life over to Him if he would help me stay away from this man who constantly hurt me.
That night I ran from the arms of the one who hurt me into the arms of the one who loved me. In God’s arms I found the comfort and security I had longed for. I never felt the need to turn around, but instead I persevered knowing I deserved more. He took away the love I thought I would never get rid of. Sometimes, people experience a small miracle in their lives and this was mine. God brought me away from something I didn’t have the strength to bring myself away from.
Today, I am a junior in college. I am proud to say I have never allowed another man treat me as if I am worthless. Now, when a man tells me I am worthless, I look to God who tells me I am worth so much… “Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.”- Deuteronomy 33:12. I find everything I need in God instead of a man. My weakness was made strong because of Him. As I stare into the mirror today it describes me in one word: worthy.
To all the women out there, you are all beautiful women who deserve to be loved and respected. Don’t ever let a man tell you otherwise.