5 THINGS TO DO SINCE NO ONE IS MAKING OUT WITH YOU AND YOU ARE SO LONELY

By all means, your late teens and early twenties are your peak years of feminine beauty, grace, and charm. This is probably the most conventionally beautiful you’ll ever be.

And you’re alone right now, aren’t you? Not being kissed by anyone? As you feel your years of youth drift away into the abyss, consider all the productive and pleasant uses of time at your disposal. Each second of happiness you could be clutching may incessantly escape you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep busy!

1. INSTEAD OF HAVING A MAKE OUT SESSION WITH THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS, WATCH “PRECIOUS PUPPIES” ON NETFLIX, AND ACCEPT THAT MAYBE YOU’RE INHERENTLY UNLOVABLE.

   Look at the puppies. Consider how disappointed they might be in you if they understood your wasted potential. You could’ve made something of yourself, Lauren. Look at you. 

2. RATHER THAN A ROMANTIC, CANDLELIT DATE NIGHT WHERE YOU AND HIM DISCUSS THE FUTURE, DO YOUR DAMN LAUNDRY, YOU DISGUSTING MONSTER

   No actually though dude it’s been weeks and you’re wearing the same sweatshirt the third day in a row…please actually put your clothing in the washing machine and turn the damn thing on. 

3. WHO NEEDS PASSIONATE SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS WITH A LONG TERM PARTNER? EAT A SALAD. DO IT. PUT THE LEAVES IN YOUR MOUTH.Come on Sarah, you can’t keep telling yourself you’ll eat healthy and never do it. Put the leaves in your mouth. Put them there. Chew. Chew like you mean it. The lettuce is waiting, Sarah.

4. SINCE THERE’S NO ONE WAKING UP NEXT TO YOU FOR YOU TO SNUGGLE IN CLOSE WITH AND INHALE THEIR SWEET AND PRIMALLY ALLURING SCENT, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED TAKING UP NEEDLEWORK LIKE THE LONELY, LONELY WOMAN YOU ARE?It doesn’t matter how “funny” your needlework is. It won’t be funny when your next-of-kin chooses the tomb that doesn’t have an adjacent space for the husband you don’t have. 

5. YOU WILL LITERALLY NEVER FIND LOVE. OPEN NETFLIX AND START TO WATCH “THE OFFICE” AGAIN. AS THE SENSE OF YOUR ETERNAL ISOLATION SETS INTO YOUR STOMACH, SLOWLY CLOSE THE SCREEN OF YOUR LAPTOP. CRY INTO THE MAC AND CHEESE YOU DON’T REMEMBER COOKING. CRY INTO IT. CRY. This would never happen to Pam. And you’re not Pam. If anything, you’re Meredith. 

• lonely
• makeout
• Safe Sex
• satire