Long Distance is an all-to-common theme in the dating world. There are more than a few people who have proven that long distance just doesn’t work, and then a few that completely shatter the odds against them and pull through and become heroes to the rest of us. If you are thinking about going long distance and want the cold hard truth I have it here. Long distance ruined my relationship of almost two years. Not because we cheated on each other, or we decided that it was too hard, but because as soon as my boyfriend came home we were both completely different people. And completely incompatible.
The decision to “make it work” stemmed from dating for over a year and feeling completely confident our relationship could stand the distance, because we are different from all the rest, right? We cared about each other and actually loved each other and saying goodbye to him was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and it never got easier.
After six months of little to no communication and constant changes in our lives it was a relief to finally see him again. Spending time together was still easy but the truth that neither of us wanted to face was that we couldn’t catch the time we lost. We were both focused on something else and that drew from our relationship. After realizing that dating in high school isn’t remotely similar to dating in college this was a huge red flag. We didn’t necessarily have similar interests anymore, I wanted to be as involved as possible on campus and he didn’t enjoy going to class.
Ultimately the decision to end our relationship was hard but it needed to happen. We were forever stuck in “Long Distance Mode” and even though he lived 15 minutes away it felt like he was in a different time zone. Even though the relationship is over there will always be a part of me that never wanted to let go.
On the other side of the spectrum, my boyfriend and I started long distance and have spent more time apart than together. But this is still the best relationship I have ever had. We have established our relationship on the principle that we are two independent people who have their own separate lives but at the end of the day always come back to the other. Now that hasn’t been easy. Trust me, distance is the worst. But he makes it all worth it.
Now I am a sucker for quotes. I am obsessed with them. When he and I first started dating I sent him so many quotes to try and set our “rules.” My favorite one is “it’s not you VS me. It is us VS the problem.” It is a good mentality to have in all types of relationships. Or another one my boyfriend says to me all the time to remind me that this isn’t forever: “One day down.”
Distance is not something that is easily accomplished. It is something that takes a lot of effort and commitment. I think it takes more effort to love someone from far away than in the same city. You need to communicate clearly with them. That means no playing games. No thinking they can just infer your feelings by not sending smiley faces. You need to be blunt. You need to tell them when something makes you uncomfortable or upset. But you also need to be understanding.
One example of being understanding is when I was busy with sorority stuff and my boyfriend was out on a work assignment. We couldn’t really talk during the day so our communication was limited to one phone call a day. Well, one night when he called I was busy and couldn’t really talk to him. He’s not used to that. He is always the busy one. So he was very disappointed when I said I could only talk for 5 minutes. I gently reminded him what he would want me to say in this type of situation and he flipped his whole attitude around. Instead of complaining about it and being sad he told me he was really looking forward to tomorrow when I could talk more. It was really refreshing to see him play the role I typically do.
Relationships aren’t always black and white. There is a lot of grey area where things could go either way. But it is up to you and your partner which way you decide to take things.