A Letter to the Ex I Should’ve Left Sooner

To My Ex,

You’re probably surprised I’m writing this to you, considering I’ve blocked you on every conceivable platform in an effort to cut off communication for the last year and a half.

And what a great year an a half it’s been.

You know those nice sayings about not harboring ill feelings towards your ex? That you loved them at some point, so you shouldn’t act like you never did? Well, those are all bullshit. Those sayings are for friends that turned into lovers that discovered they worked better as friends, or the right people at the wrong time, or people that love each other, just not how how they need to be loved. Those sayings are not for the ex that, after finally being broken up with after two years of emotional abuse and manipulation, goes veritably insane and breaks into my dorm room to use my laptop to track my phone to my friend’s house. This was, of course, not the first warning sign. 

I should have left you after less than a month when I realized I was only with you because I was depressed and insecure and I wanted to be wanted, but I hated who you were as a person.

I should have left you after a few months when you started making fun of my clothes and the way I chose to express myself, calling my style ugly and unflattering. This coming from the guy who wore nothing but jeans and a t-shirt, but I digress.

I should have left you after I chose an out-of-state college and you freaked out, calling me constantly to make sure I wasn’t out having fun. I definitely should’ve left you when I realized I was having more fun without you than with you.

I should have left you every time I tried to break up with you and you threatened to kill yourself, and every time I desperately tried to explain to you that saying so was disgusting and manipulative. Especially since you were lying.

Really what I’m trying to say is that I would have been infinitely happier had I not dated you at all. The one thing I’m grateful to you for is that I moved to a new college to be with you, and ended up meeting the love of my life there. But let me be clear – if I could erase every single memory of our relationship I have, I would in a second. You are, verifiably, the worst person I have ever known, and I am not saying that simply to cause you pain. I’m saying that so you understand my repeated refusals to speak to you in any way. 

I know that reading this assessment of our relationship from my perspective won’t cause you to rethink your actions, because, as a rule, you refuse to recognize you do anything wrong. The only thing I want you to take from this is that I am infinitely happier without you, and thanks to you, I’ve found someone who makes me horrified to think I ever settled for anything less – something you swore would never happen. I would thank you for forcing me to become stronger, more confident, and more joyful, but I’ve done that all on my own.

Sincerely,

Emily

P.S.: 

• abusive relationship
• emotional abuse
• ex boyfriend
• open letter
• regrets