Hey! Itâs me. I know, this might come as a shock. Maybe you donât even think that I exist â surely none of your friends have any kind of mental illness, right? I mean, everyoneâs âdepressed,â but no one you know has Depression. Well, I hate to break it to you, but youâre dead wrong. In 2017, 29% of women in Utah and 16.1% of men reported having doctor-diagnosed depression. Thatâs about 1 in 4 women, and 1 in 5 men. So now that you know youâve probably got a Mentally Ill Friend, I bet youâre wondering why that matters, and why Iâm harassing you about it in the first place. Hereâs the thing: mental illness isnât exactly something people are super comfortable talking about, especially with people who donât have one. Nobody really enjoys telling people about their diagnosis, and some people do everything in their power to make sure no one around them knows.
Thatâs where I come in! Iâve got no shame! Iâll talk about my diagnoses until the sun explodes; Iâll scream from the rooftops that I have Major Depressive Disorder and ADHD and generalized anxiety. Why? Because there are people who wonât (or canât), and there are things those people need but wonât (or canât) ask for. And there are people (like you) who want to help their friends, even if you canât necessarily understand what theyâre going through. So whether you know they have a diagnosis or not, Iâm here to give you some quick tips on things that your mentally ill friend might be experiencing, or feeling, or needing. So letâs start with some basics:
Give your friend a break.
Look, obviously if someone is being a bad friend, you shouldnât just put up with it, especially if theyâre walking all over you, or hurting your feelings, or being purposefully mean. However, living with mental illness is really hard. Sometimes it feels like walking around with a 10-pound weight attached to each of your limbs and still trying to keep up with everyone around you. So if your friend isnât necessarily being as attentive as you need or seems flaky or is taking more alone time than usual, there will be times that you just need to give âem a break. Â Let them be a crappy friend for, like, a week. You can acknowledge it to them, say, âHey, youâve been treating me pretty poorly, but I think youâre having a bad mental health week, so Iâm gonna give you a break and hope you feel better next week.â BOOM you just saved your friend a good 2 days of shame spirals and unending guilt.
Realize they probably see life differently than you.
Part of living with a mental illness is adapting to survive. Especially if they lived undiagnosed for a long time, their perception of existence is probably skewed. Mental illness can stunt growth (figuratively and literally), so sometimes your friend will have a really hard time with something that you think is super basic, like asking for help in a store or walking through a crowded train station. Maybe youâll experience something together, and when you talk about it later you and your friend have completely contrasting experiences, even though you were in the same place at the same time; maybe your friend saw that interaction as super hostile, while you saw it as a totally normal conversation. Be patient with your friend â they probably know their thinking is flawed and are working on changing their perceptions, but maybe today is just a particularly hard day and this task or experience is too much for them. If they ask for you to talk to the salesperson for them, or take an Uber instead of the train, or walk them through the conversation you just had, your willingness to help may allow them to overcome their own flawed thinking and change their perception.
Sometimes tough love is necessary.
Mental illness loves telling people that they canât help themselves, that their situation is hopeless and thereâs no point in trying to get better or improve their lives. When your friend is in a deep pit, they may give in to the voice of their mental illness telling them that there is no way for them to get better, so theyâll stop trying. Whether that means they stop taking care of themselves physically (not showering, not eating), mentally (not going to therapy, not taking their meds), or they start pushing the people around them away. When the going gets tough, sometimes all you can do is tell your friend that theyâre setting themselves up for disaster. You cannot carry your friend through their mental illness. You canât cure them â no one can!! They can wallow, and sit in their despair for as long as they want, but you donât have to sit there with them. Sometimes youâve got to look your friend in the eye and tell them that youâre going to shower and go outside and theyâre welcome to join you, but you are not going to commiserate with them because itâs unhealthy. And sometimes, thatâs all you can do.
Obviously I can only really speak about my experience as a mentally ill person. However, considering Iâm your best friend I think itâs pretty appropriate that I communicate to you the best ways to care for the other people in your life who are mentally ill. But this isnât a One Size Fits All situation â everyone is unique and has unique needs. So the best advice I can give you, first and foremost, is to ask your friends what they need. Fall back on generalized advice when they donât know what will help â itâs worth a shot if you can give it one. But most of all, look out for yourself and your own mental health. You canât pour from an empty cup.