At the tender age of 13, Mother Nature bestowed her glorious gift of my first period. I officially felt like a woman that could conquer the world. I felt superior to the tweens around me that begged for their first cycle. I knew the basic steps to handle a period was using a pad or a tampon, but at the time I only felt comfortable with a pad. I used maxi pads for 2 years until I began to fancy the idea of possibly using a tampon. At this time, we were going on our annual vacation and I knew I would be on my period that week. My family started to continually pressure me into the use of tampons. I canât even tell you the number of hours I spent in a bathroom trying to push a tampon up into me to please them. It felt foreign and uncomfortable. I didnât even think I had a hole down there because everyone told me it would just slide up. Well, it didnât. I cried a lot more about it than I probably should have. My friends began to tell me that I was weird and my family told me I was overthinking it. IÂ felt like I was doing everything wrong and it was my body that I had control of. I was ashamed.
5 years I spent only using pads. 5 years. Let that sink in. I missed countless amounts of swimming on vacations, classes in school, and recreational activity because my period held me back due to my heavy flow of 8 days. My family never understood why I couldnât use a tampon. I once had my step-mom tell me, âIf you were comfortable with it, Iâll just put a tampon in you myself to show you itâs not that hard.â That grossed me out beyond belief. Like, Iâm glad weâre close enough that you feel like you can tell me that⊠but I will never feel comfortable with it. But it wasnât until I moved out on my own, I grew weary of using pads. Thank heavens that I went to a dermatologist that suggested I use birth control for my skin to clear up my acne, this stopped my periods. But it didnât stop my obsession with thinking something was still wrong with me down âthere.â So, I went to my first gynecologist appointment to find out what was going on.
The experience was different, to say the least. Sitting in a doctorâs office with no bottoms on causes you to feel quite vulnerable. Itâs an all new meaning to the saying, âI can feel the breeze.â Well, Doctor Bennett came in and said, âAlright, I know this is awkward for you but Iâve seen plenty of vaginas. Donât feel nervous.â To my surprise, this eased me. I proceeded to spread my legs and let her dive on in. She stuck her finger up me which was honestly so painful! I mean, Iâm like the most virgin a virgin could get. My vagina had never seen the light of day. It was the first thing that had ever gone… up me. The doctor looked at me concerned. She took her finger out and just was blunt with it, âYouâre going to need surgery.âÂ
You know in movies when everything stops and the camera zooms in on the characterâs face when they were told horrible news? Yeah. Thatâs exactly how it felt. Never had I ever once considered surgery was needed. I was the cautious kid growing up who hated the unknown. She told me that my hole was not like a normal girl. It was too âtightâ and needed to be opened. She called the procedure a hymenectomy. Pregnant women receive this before they go into labor to ensure that there wonât be issues during labor. They cut the opening to make it easier and more accessible for the baby to be born. I began to tear up in the doctorâs office. I felt beyond freakish in there; I didnât feel normal. It was as if my femininity was cut in half. But I told her I would go through with it because I knew if I didnât solve it now, I would still have to go through with it in the future.
Fast forward 2 months. It was the day I was to have surgery. My sister picked me up at my house and was a little too excited to be there. She kept smiling and winking at me, telling me âToday is the day you become a woman.â When all I can think in my head, I thought thatâs what getting a period was supposed to do. Apparently notâŠÂ
Everyone in the hospital was very supportive and extra nice. Except they all thought I was getting married, because why else would I be having surgery on my vagina if it wasnât to have sex? They put me into a hideous hospital gown and a shower cap, but the worst part of all was the yellow grip socks. Again, my femininity was barely holding on at this point⊠After the IV and the giant explanation of how the surgery would work, I was wheeled into the operating room. I was alone and scared. Almost instantaneously the anesthesiologist popped over my head and uttered, âSweet Dreams.â Next thing I knew, I was out of the operating room with a nurse by my bed. âRate the pain on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst.â At this point, I felt it. I FELT THE PAIN. â8 almost a 9!â I whisper shouted because I was just waking up. Within moments, I was down to a 3. I donât know what she gave me, but it felt goooooood.
Within the hour, I was back in my sisterâs car on my way home. The next 2 weeks were interesting, to say the least. It was feeling soreness here, cringing through the sting of peeing over there. But the worst part of all, WAS THE ITCH. The stitches, as they were healing, caused an unbearable itch. But you canât just itch whenever you want to. You are a lady after all. You should do it in the privacy of your own home. Well, it just so happened that it was the busiest week of my life. Hooray for smiling through the pain on the outside while crying and screaming on the inside!
Well after recovery, I became very aware of my vagina. And Iâm honestly so excited that I did. Iâve never felt so in touch with femininity than I have now. Iâve yet to use a tampon due to the fact I was put on birth control, and Iâm sure Iâm still going to have to work through the initial fear Iâve associated with tampons, but I feel refreshed and new. Iâve never felt more like a woman than I do now. I think itâs really important we take notice of ourselves âdown thereâ because itâs one of the most empowering things Iâve ever done and I want everyone else to feel this way. It fuels your spirit, honestly. This journey taught me to be okay with my body and to be okay with taking the steps to bringing myself to my full potential. I wish talking about vaginas, periods, and hymenectomies for that matter, was acceptable in the society we live in. Thatâs why itâs up to us to be open minded and to hear others out when theyâre in need of acceptance. We can change the norm, we just have to be willing to re-educate the people we know.Â