Lost in darkness is the best way I can describe how I was when He found me. I’m not talking about my soul mate, an ex-boyfriend, or anything like that. I’m talking about God. I know many people who say that they have found God, but I didn’t find Him, He found me. I wouldn’t call myself or my story about becoming a believer unique, but here it is.
Growing up, my parents always let me and my brothers choose who we wanted to be, which included whether we followed any specific religion or not. I don’t recall my parents talking about religion or God much when I was growing up. The freedom to choose had left me unexposed; however, I’m not saying that their choice to give us that freedom is bad because I admired my parents for not shoving any beliefs down our throats. My parents allowed us to make decisions that wouldn’t be detrimental to our own well-being, but still raised us with morals and values.
I knew many of my peers whose parents forced them to go to church every Sunday and some who would make them fast every Sunday until dinner — my parents were clearly not those people. Although many of my peers had their own religious beliefs, I don’t recall ever feeling like I was missing out on anything when it came to that and I’m not sure if that’s even something you feel like you’re missing out on when you’re growing up and life is taking its course.
Closer to high school is when I really started to think about religion more. My only thoughts about it was that it was bullshit. Life’s circumstances throughout my teenage years really pushed me to believe that there was no God. It was crazy that I didn’t believe in God, but I hated Him because of what I had experienced and saw happening around me. See, many things had sent me running away from Christ and fueled a hate inside of me for Him. Christians around me proposed this idea of being perfect, which I was incredibly far from. Many Christians condemned others for sinning, another thing that I knew I had done on a daily basis. Knowing that I didn’t fit what they claimed was God’s ideal person really turned me away from Him. The conflicting beliefs and actions of many Christians around me was another factor in my hate towards God. The pain that life brought on to not only me but others made me extremely confused. How can there be a God, yet are here experiencing devastating pain? There were too many things to name that made me hate Him.
Maybe my hate for God was partially a reflection of my hate for myself because as I stated earlier, I knew I was incredibly far from perfect and still am. I was hateful towards a lot of people — I cursed like a sailor and didn’t think about how my actions affected myself or others. At certain points, I’m sure it looked like I was on a downward spiral. I was so many things and I didn’t believe that I could bring myself to God, even if He loved everybody how could He love me? He couldn’t love me knowing all that I was and still am. Besides, how am I supposed to believe He loves me when I’ve seen all that I have seen and experienced what I had experienced? I couldn’t.
I would believe this for years to come. I would believe that I wasn’t even good enough for God or that He loved me, maybe I was blinded by all that hate I had inside my heart. I was still hating God all the way up until a few months before I was leaving for college. I had been so excited to know I was leaving behind a place I absolutely hated. I was ready for a fresh start somewhere that I wanted to be and I was prepared for it, but nothing prepared me for what happened that spring of my senior year in high school. There’s so much happiness in being a senior and knowing that you’re going to graduate soon, but deep down I wasn’t even that happy with life. I had enjoyed certain things about my life, but I hadn’t been genuinely happy for years and nobody really knew that. I had a lot of darkness and hate in my heart stored and festering, and then one day, something strange happened.
One day I was just driving around town wasting time as I had constantly done. That day I was driving and I was passing through downtown and there’s a church on my right. I had seen this church countless times so it wasn’t like it was new or anything, but when I was right next to that church, I had this warm feeling of love that took over my body and it literally felt like a hand was holding my heart with the most tender touch I had ever felt. It was such an odd feeling that I had never experienced and I tried to shake it off as I continued driving but the more I kept driving the clearer it became that it wasn’t going away. I felt compelled to turn around to go back to the church and I did. I sat outside parked for a moment thinking what the hell am I doing? Why am I here at a church when I’m an atheist? I can’t go in because walking in will feel like a lie.
Sure enough, despite all the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing, I went in anyways. I ended up speaking with a pastor and she talked to me, showed me around the church, gave me her Bible because, of course I didn’t have one, and then invited me to a Sunday service. This is how my journey started. I attended Sunday services and Bible studies when I could. I wasn’t very dedicated to becoming an all-star Christian by any means, I was standoffish at times and didn’t show up when I knew I should’ve went. I wasn’t sure during that time that I believed in God, but I knew that there was no other explanation for what I felt other than God reaching out to me.
When I came to Texas, I attempted to make a change because I knew it was God who placed His healing hand over my heart at that time but it was still hard to succumb to the idea that He wanted me. I felt like my way of life was unacceptable if I was going to follow Him, so I changed for a bit then reverted to my old ways. I was off and on with improving my life so that I could follow Him. I was still under the impression that if I was not perfect, then I better not even think about following Christ. These thoughts and countless others were what was truly hindering me from drowning in His love that I desperately needed.
Slowly I started to realize that I didn’t have to be perfect for God, and now I firmly believe that God loves me the way that I am. However, I do recognize that doesn’t mean I don’t need to grow. In fact, it means the opposite. I know that in order to get to where God wants me to be that I must do nothing but grow and I am more than happy to do that because I notice how He has changed my life. He has taken me out of countless negative spaces that I had no business being in and I feel like I’m a lightyear away from where I was a year ago today. I can recognize how God is building me and has prepared me to be where I am now.
I know that God had to bring me through darkness so that I can become stronger and cherish the light that He has shined upon my life. He had to allow me to make foolish mistakes so that I could find wisdom in Him. I had to experience all that anger and hate to truly experience love and genuine happiness. He is still working on me and I am, too. I still have much more to learn about God and I love that I do. He has taken me on the most beautiful journey of pain, love, and redemption. He has brought me peace, love, and genuine happiness.
I was a concrete atheist for the longest time. I stood in my hate for God and disbelief in Him. It wasn’t until He took hold of my heart that it all changed, but I am so thankful for it. There’s no question in my mind that God is here with me day in and day out. He has brought me a long way and I know He will bring me much further.
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26