“Please stop, @PesteringAuntLisa.”
We all have that one aunt who seems like she only came to Thanksgiving dinner to prove that her life is going much better than yours, despite the 30-year age gap. Let’s call her Pestering Aunt Lisa. It took almost two decades of failed topic changers and planned interruptions to realize that the solution to our Pestering Aunt Lisa problem is right within Thanksgiving itself: when faced with tough questions from your Pestering Aunt Lisa, respond with Thanksgiving puns. Thanksgiving puns are timely and fit for the occasion, and while they might not make the most sense in the context of the conversation, Pestering Aunt Lisa will be confused by their holiday appropriateness, thus forgetting her original question and moving on to more enjoyable topics: food.
1. “So, do you have a boyfriend yet?”
You know it’s only a few minutes of one-on-one conversation until Pestering Aunt Lisa whips this one out. Hit her with:
What vegetables would you like with your Thanksgiving dinner?
Beets me!
2. “Well, then who is [insert completely platonic friend from one Facebook photo]? Is he not your boyfriend?”
“Oh, you want to know more, Aunt Lisa? Okay.” So you couldn’t thwart her the first time. Fear not. Immediately delve into your personal, in-depth review of the critically acclaimed review of the newest blockbuster movie about sweet potatoes, ‘The Silence of the Yams’. That’ll show her.
3. “What’s your major?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know, Aunt Lisa?” For all those people that don’t know their own major themselves, spend the next five minutes explaining the societal discourse surrounding “Hotline Bling.” Give her a few minutes to let it digest, then follow up with:
What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
Wing! Wing!
4. “Do you have a job yet?”
No, Aunt Lisa, because that would involve forward-thinking, and accepting the impending denial that the school year never ends. Show your Pestering Aunt Lisa that you have learned a little something in school by historically referencing the people who made today possible:
Why didn’t the pilgrim want to make the bread?
It’s a crummy job!
5. “Do you like your roommate?”
This shouldn’t be a hard question….Unless Pestering Aunt Lisa is the one who set you up with your freshman roommate! In which case, easily change the topic with:
What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A har-vest!
6. “Are you having fun?”
Be careful how you answer this one, because one slip up could cause Pestering Aunt Lisa to think that you either spend too much time in the library or spend too much time not in the library. Instead, describe to Aunt Lisa your newly discovered college passion: cover bands. Honestly, adults love talking about old bands, and it’s an easy enough topic that you can basically make up any anecdotes as needed. Of course, you can always pull this pun out of your back pocket for emphasis (and, well, because it’s Thanksgiving):
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks!
7. “Who did you vote for?”
It doesn’t matter if you and Pestering Aunt Lisa share the same views; bringing up politics at any holiday, especially this year, is a huge red flag, especially if you already have plans to see some of these people again at Christmas. Instead, bring up a candidate we can all rally behind: Thanksgiving puns.
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock!
8. “Well, what about those emails?”
Okay, so the Thanksgiving pun didn’t derail Pestering Aunt Lisa. There’s nothing that can get by two Thanksgiving puns. Hit her with a quick (maybe even classified) follow-up:
What’s a pumpkin’s favorite sport?
Squash!
9. “I saw an interesting [insert seemingly innocent photo of you at a tailgate] photo of you on Facebook, are you studying enough?”
Alright, Pestering Aunt Lisa, this got oddly specific and personal. There is no family when it comes to oddly specific and personal (and evident of Facebook-stalking) questions. Leave Pestering Aunt Lisa with this one (and a guilty conscience):
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play!
Ha. Got her. Better luck next year, Pestering Aunt Lisa.