Florence Given is a feminist author from the UK who wrote a book called Women Don’t Owe You Pretty, which I do believe is a must read for any woman (and, honestly, all men). I recently read this book and I can honestly say that her analogies about women and society’s standard of beauty are crucial for everyone to read and understand. They not only affect all women, but many of her ideas on the societal standard of beauty discussed throughout the book can be applied to societal expectations of male appearances as well.
The third chapter of Women Don’t Owe You Pretty, “You are the Love of Your Own Life,” is my personal favorite. Given introduces an analogy involving crumbs and cake. In this chapter about self love and acceptance, she explains that “crumbs” are aspects of one’s life that they think they need. “Crumbs” mainly consist of momentary and brief forms of care and affection. “Crumbs” are synonymous with the expression “the bar is so low.” She explains that the best way of caring for someone and showing an individual that you are thinking of them is through small actions that provide momentary validation. Given explains that the issue with “crumbs” is that if an individual settles only for crumbs in life, it sends a message to the people around you that crumbs are all you think you deserve. The bare minimum.
There is a quote from my favorite book of all time (the Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chobsky): “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I see this as a direct parallel to Given’s description of the effect of “crumbs” in one’s life. This “fluff” of temporary validation will never truly fulfill an individual to feel respected, loved and cared for. It seems like a very transitional form of affection, which often cannot be considered a real and organic connection.
In contrast to “crumbs”, there is “cake.” The “cake” in one’s life is what we like to call “the full package” and Given explains that if an individual isn’t receiving the cake they deserve, they have every right to communicate that instead of settling for “crumbs.” This emphasizes the importance for women (and men) to have strong communication in a relationship. Both in a friendship or romantic relationship, communication is necessary to have an equal, balanced relationship.
It is especially important to highlight, however, that you are your own best friend and biggest supporter. Sometimes the “cake” isn’t made for you, instead you must make it for yourself. Given says, “Learning how to love yourself, to avoid relying on other people’s validation to make you feel whole is the key to not settling.” This is a lesson I am learning everyday. I believe that as a women in society, the standards of beauty are so specific to the heterosexual, white, thin woman. It is difficult, especially living in the age of social media, not to overlook the “crumbs” of the online world and fight for the “whole cake”. As I have grown up, I realized how ridiculous it is to put so much effort into the “crumbs” of life and instead emphasize putting time into making my own cake, or finding people who make me cake over supplying the crumbs. I know I deserve no less than the full cake, and so do you.
All I can say is that after reading Women Don’t Owe You Pretty, my feminist heart is fulfilled, happy and educated on the importance of self love and acceptance as a prominent pillar of what makes me who I am. I seriously encourage EVERYONE to read this book, especially in a month like March, where we celebrate all women. I do believe it will make you think deeper about society’s attitude toward women, and women’s attitudes on society.
**Edited by: Phoebe Cousens
Given, F. (2021). Women Don’t Owe You Pretty. Andrews McMeel Publishing.