Alright people with uteruses, listen up! If you’re having sex with someone who has a penis and you’re not trying to procreate, you need to be on birth control! There are a few other things you should consider if you’re having sex (like your immortal soul and protection from STDs) but I’m going to focus on IUDs.
An IUD is an intrauterine device and this little thing is so metal, I can’t even handle it. It’s placed inside the uterus with wires hanging through the cervix into the vagina for easy removal. This little T is the guardian angel of my reproductive system. Picture sperm as a million miniscule hockey pucks, the uterus is the goal, and the IUD is a badass goalie who just swats those little swimmers away. Absolutely amazing.
Why did I pick this little warrior as my birth control? There are a few reasons. First, I just can’t keep up with taking the pill everyday. Heck, I can hardly remember to put on deodorant everyday! I’ve also tried two different types of the pill and both made me fat and irritable. I do not enjoy being fat and irritable so I opted for a hormone-less option.
There are two types of IUDs: progestin and copper. The Mirena and Skyla IUDs use the progestin hormone to keep sperm from fertilizing the eggs. The ParaGard is a copper IUD which releases copper into the uterus and makes it a toxic environment for sperm. Both types are up to 99 percent effective and last for 3-12 years. If you decide that you want to have children, you can have it removed at any time and get pregnant immediately. It sounds like a dream, right? You just pop that thing in and you’re covered for the next few years. It’s the “pop that thing in” part that’ll get you.
You’ll go in to the gynecologist’s office to discuss the best method of birth control for you. Make sure to do research beforehand so you can ask relevant questions. If you decide on the IUD, your gynecologist will prescribe a pill for you. Insert it into the back of your vagina to soften your cervix; this will make the insertion easier. Take ibuprofen before you go in to have the IUD inserted!
The insertion process will take about five minutes. They may test for pregnancy and STDs to be sure that it’s safe for you to have an IUD. When that’s through, they will insert a speculum into your vagina and take a sounding. If you know anything about boats, you’ll recognize the word. Sailors take soundings to see how deep the water is… It’s the same in this instance. They’re going to physically check how deep your uterus is and it is intense.
I have never been aware of the exact position of one of my internal organs until that moment. They use a metal rod, poke it through your cervix, and feel the inside of the uterus with it. Then they’ll use a special straw with the IUD at the tip to insert it into the uterus and unfold it. Then they remove the instruments and it’s all over.
About halfway through the procedure, I started crying from the pain. It didn’t help that I got so nervous that I had gas… the Taco Bell variety. It was one of the scariest and most embarrassing moments of my life. I spent the entire procedure clenching, desperately trying not to fart in my doctor’s face, which probably made it so much more painful than it needed to be. She laughed about it. I did not.
Bring a pad, a bottle of water, and plan to spend the rest of the day in bed. I cried as I waddled all the way across the parking lot and then cried in my car for about fifteen minutes before I was ready to drive home. It wasn’t my most courageous day.
You’ll have to go back to the doctor after a month to check the position of the IUD and the length of the wires. The wires can be a little tricky. If they’re too short, they could poke your partner. They need to be just right in order to tuck behind your cervix so that sex is comfortable.
There is, I’m told, an adjustment period after the insertion that can last anywhere from 3-6 months. My periods will be far more intense and my cramps will be hellacious. I’m on the first month and it sucks but I’m willing to stick it out for ten years of pregnancy prevention.