Ever had that feeling when you know that you know something but you continuously refuse to admit to yourself that that is the feeling going on? Yeah, well, I guess it’s time for me to come clean about some things too…
I cannot say the same for anyone else, but I have been coming to terms with the fact I have a very strong intuition. However, I have repeatedly ignored my gut feelings because I have never liked the feeling of assuming things about people. I much prefer direct confrontation when it comes to someone’s feelings or intentions, but I am also too much of an awkward potato to really confront anyone when it comes to these things as well.
The bringing up of the topic of gut feelings is to help explain that beginning “that feeling when you know that you know” piece. Your gut feelings are trying to tell you or warn you about something, but you probably have this worry if those feelings are real or just delusional, irrational feelings instead. However, in the long run, it is usually those gut feelings that prove to be right and you are left feeling like, “Damn! Why did I do this to myself? I should have just listened to myself!” Yeah, so about me…
I figure it may be best to start last semester when everything in my life felt like it was spiraling out of control. But first, some background: I am that kind of person that plans their life about two years in advance, has at least five active calendars and planners, and pretty much never gives up without the longest, maybe even pointless, fight to survive. Well, quite literally a week or two before midterms of the Fall Semester, I scratched out, ripped out, and rewrote every rule I had ever taught myself to live by:
FIRST, I withdrew from my very first class in college (and for those of you who know, withdrawals are very limited). This was definitely not something I was accustomed to considering I have always pushed through a course no matter how tough it got until I made it out on the other end a complete disaster. I know, I know, this is not healthy. This is why I am writing this whole article in the first place: to call myself out.
SECOND, I changed my major again! Coming into college, I had a hard time figuring out what exactly I wanted to focus on and what I wanted to do with my future. I thought I wanted to be a photographer, then a graphic designer, and I even thought about an electrical engineer. I just could not make up my mind, so I decided on an Associate of Art just to get the basics done and to give me more time on what I wanted to do. Low and behold, that graduation day came a whole semester early, and I threw myself into a major I thought would balance that artistic yet engineering side of me. Funny enough, it turns out that Interior Design also was not what I wanted to do. I went from Interior Design to Interdisciplinary Studies to just being a regular Art major in the span of less than two weeks. I met with three different Academic Advisors for a total of six times in two weeks, what the fuck.
THIRD, I ended my relationship of two years. While school is an incredibly important aspect in my life, this just might have been the biggest step I have ever taken for myself. I am NOT the type of person to give up on things easily. I fight and fight and fight until there is nothing left to fight for, and then I keep on fighting. I always try to look for the positives, even though I am heavily pessimistic, and figure out any possible way to make things work, even if it is utterly pointless. I am not trying to say that my relationship was completely toxic and I was just pushing past the punches, but by ending my relationship, I finally took that first step into taking care of my own needs first.
This was, and still is, a very hard thing for me to work through. A part of me began to feel like my relationship became a safety net for all the insecurities I had about transferring colleges like not having a close group of friends, not having anyone I knew from home, and not having someone I could physically rely on. For a lot of my life, I have taken care of myself, and not so much in the healthiest of ways, but it has definitely weighed me down. I feel like I am at this breaking point between needing to care for myself and wanting to care for other people. I am so exhausted from feeling like I am the only person I can truly rely on. And I have said this phrase a lot recently, “I want what I cannot have.”
I want someone to be there for me the way I am there for others: I want someone to force themselves to stay up with me until 3:00am in the morning when I need a shoulder to cry on, NOT fall asleep on me and respond in the morning. I want someone to harass me about the way I am eating, or the lack thereof, NOT just point out how much weight I have gained or lost. I want someone to be excited about the things I enjoy and ask me to geek out over it, NOT just smile and nod like anything else could be more interesting than what I have to say. But most importantly, and very strangely for my “touch-me-not” self, I also want someone to be there for me physically.
Now, do not go reading too much into that! But if I am being honest with myself, I am actually a very affectionate person. I love when people run up to me to hug me, or when they grab my arm to drag me to something cool they just discovered. I love when they panda-hug my leg, or when they toss me over their shoulder because I am in a fit. I love getting sincere and genuine pats on the head for small accomplishments, or being able to physically lean on someone for support. Unfortunately, I rarely get these signs of affection. However, it may be due to my own faults for shutting people out.
But how can I not when I feel like this desire is just so selfish and almost impossible for me to truly obtain. How could I ever put this burden onto someone else? How could I ever expect anyone to do this for me willingly and also take care of themselves? Why would I ask someone to take the time from themselves to help care for me? Who am I to feel this lonely and want someone else to ease that burden? I am stuck between these conflictions, and I just do not know if they have the capability of balancing out. Or if I even deserve it.
Although I have not expressed EVERYTHING I should be honest about, I feel that I have rambled on long enough about myself. I shall come back in the next article to express more on the topic of “Being Honest with Yourself” in general. Thanks to those who stuck around, and I hope you find my next article to be much more beneficial to your own growth. Although, to anyone who may be feeling this way as well, I hope this helps you realize that you are not alone.
hxco