**Please use caution when reading further, I realize that not everyone may want to read about these kinds of topics: depression, anxiety, self harm, suicide, etc.**
When I say my “inner demons,” I’ll be honest and say that they actually feel like “outer demons.” All my inner thoughts have basically personified themselves into the cliche “dark shadowy figures” you see or hear about in books, tv shows, and movies. However, I feel like I live those realities…
For those who can relate, I know depression on its own can be difficult and overwhelming. Each person has their own reasons for their very valid feelings, and each person handles their feelings in their own ways. However, even though I know there is at least some likelihood that someone, somewhere in the world feels the way I do, sometimes I can’t help but think and feel like I’m isolated with my inner-but-also-outer demons.
I guess to kind of explain it, my “IBAO” demons are quite similar to having those negative thoughts swirling like vicious sharks in the depths of your mind. There are always a lot of doubts, snarky remarks, and all out cruelty when it comes to my mind versus myself. While I had been better about calming the storm for a good bit of time, the struggles of this semester and the lack of self care have caused this storm to swirl and spin until it felt like the end. Though this storm did not only rage within, but it manifested into its own smaller storms outside: the outer demons.
Of course, these demons are still technically centralized in my head. But I guess it has come to this point where its presence almost feels realistic, like the demons stand amongst me as I look at myself in the mirror or as I’m curled in a ball sobbing. It feels like they’re the ones reaching around my neck, slicing up my arms, or laughing from the outside in. Granted, I have not done anything to myself in such a long time, but these thoughts followed by these feelings make it incredibly hard to fight.
For anyone out there that might feel this way, I hope this article helps you realize that there is at least one person out there who can kind of understand how you’re feeling. And in all honesty, I don’t think either one of us would be crazy for feeling this way (but heck, even just talking about this here makes me feel like I should be put in a mental hospital). Personally, I figure these “IBAO” demons are really meant for me to acknowledge just how bad my mental health has gotten in such a short amount of time. By acknowledging this significant difference, I can turn the tables and make these demons lurk back into the shadows where they belong.
Like I talked about in my previous article, I am working to turn my negative thoughts into positive thoughts. These shadowy demons have no place in the light that will return one day. Slowly but surely, I will burn so bright that they won’t know where to run to. One day, I will be an everlasting fire of positivity and determination where these thoughts will have no rightful place in my mind. And I hope that anyone out there knows that they are just as capable of being so much more than what any negative thoughts, or demons, try to tell them.
“Only in the darkness can you see the stars”
-Martin Luther King Jr.
hcxo