When it comes to Valentine’s Day, many people in relationships want their partner to ask to to be their Valentine. Some people across the relationship spectrum wonder why it is such a big deal. If you were already in a relationship or committed partnership with someone, why is it important for them to ask to be your Valentine? Shouldn’t it be obvious and expected that you would be each other’s Valentine? This is where the problem comes in for many people who celebrate Valentine’s day: expecting.
Some people argue that relationships go through a life cycle. It begins with an awkward/getting to know one another stage, an attraction stage, a honeymoon stage, a conflict stage, and can then branch out to stages of stability or separation. Following the honeymoon stage, a conflict stage can arise in the relationship as you become more comfortable with each other. Comfort can result in a lack of effort or a failure to truly recognize one another’s needs because you spend so much time together or have gotten so comfortable with each other that your interests appear to intertwine (but in reality, they don’t; you’re still your own individual with your own needs). When two people are together, the expectation that they do things together and speak or act a certain way with each other is very heavy at the beginning of their relationship but can die down as you spend more time together.
After you and your partner have dated for a long time, you may start to notice that they expect things out of you that you didn’t see at the beginning of your relationship. They might believe that you’re going to tell them about your day at the end of the night (because you’ve done it so many times before), so they stop asking you. Maybe they know that you usually cook dinner, so instead of asking who will cook, they begin to expect that you’ll be the one to prepare dinner. Maybe you normally walk your dog each day, and because you do it so often, your partner expects that you’ll do it every time your pup needs to go for a walk (which could be a major problem if you come home to pet excrement on the floor).
Some of these scenarios may seem innocent at a first glance but can serve as major catalysts for a problematic relationship when the reality falls short of your partner’s expectations. It all stems from a lack of communication. When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, you fall into a routine where the things you and your partner do feel normal (and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that). You may distribute living tasks a certain way, have conversations that occur the same way each day, and have plans with one another that happen the same time or day every week, but if you’re not careful, these routines can turn into expectations. While it isn’t inherently wrong for your partner to expect that you’re going to do something, it can be wrong for your partner to expect you to act a certain way out of convenience or routine without communicating with you about it.
If you have established responsibilities in your relationship that you’ve communicated about before, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. If your partner mentions that they’re upset or feel like you aren’t contributing to those responsibilities, that’s a valid expression of their feelings as you’ve had conversations where you’ve mutually established and agreed upon a set of expectations for one another. However, if your partner expresses frustration with you because you aren’t meeting a responsibility that they created for you without your consent or from an image they created of a task they’ve seen or known you to have done before, that isn’t a fair assessment of your relationship.
This is why people have begun to emphasize that their partners ask them to be their Valentine. While it seems like an action less frequent, compared to the issues of routine that can lead to the downfall of communication in a relationship, reminding a person’s partner that they’re in a relationship and should value the effort of trying to show their partner why they love them is extremely important especially as long-term relationships progress. While it’s truly dependent upon the person, special effort can get lost the longer a relationship lasts. For some people, it’s really important to be reminded that they’re loved every day or on special occasions, and when they don’t get that out of a partner because of the length of their relationship or the comfort level they have with each other, it can be disheartening.
On the other hand, if you’re repressing your feelings about wanting to be loved openly by your partner, they won’t know that you need to be reassured. If you want to feel like you’re being appreciated, heard, and catered to, you have to communicate the specific things that will make you feel that way to your partner. Just as it’s important for your partner not to expect certain tasks and actions out of you, you can’t expect that they’re going to know exactly what you’re feeling and exactly what you’re looking for right from the very beginning. If you’re seeking reassurance and you haven’t had a conversation about how that’s necessary for you, maybe it’s time to have that conversation. A relationship is two-sided and will always depend on communication; you cannot rely on the belief that your partner is going to be a mind reader (no matter how close you two may be).
There’s a difference between failing to show effort in a relationship, and not knowing which efforts are the most important to someone. Sometimes it’s necessary to have conversations about what you enjoy or value the most if those feelings aren’t easily expressed. Effort should always be expected, but appreciated efforts should be acknowledged.
So while some of you may be upset that your partner didn’t ask you to be their Valentine this year through a special, candle-lit, rose-petal-lined celebration, think back on your conversations with them and if it included a genuine conversation about the importance of grand-gestures or actions that reaffirm affection and be willing to listen. Some people love out of habit, but if you want them to change their ways and show the extravagant side of their love for you, tell them that. Relationships can’t get anywhere without being open-minded and honest.