Hi,
I have been trying to avoid confronting you head-on for the longest time. I think you scare me, but even that I am not sure of. I can’t say you’ve been entirely horrible. I can’t even blame you for how I am feeling all of the time. But I wish I remembered life without you. It seems like you’ve been here since the beginning of time, but I still remember when you got worse.
You came into my life when I was just starting high school and not knowing who I was. You came along and decided for me. You followed me during school, half of the time demanding that I felt like sh*t and the other half telling me that I was the greatest sh*t to walk the Earth.
Make up your godd*mn mind. Just please, for my sake. Either let me be a sad, sunken mess or let me be the happiest person to live. I can’t stand this in-between and neither can the friends I have left. They don’t know who I am because I act like two people and it’s all your fault. I want to be consistent and not some weird, jumbled up mess.
You confuse scientists, doctors, and people with advanced degrees. I know men and women who have dedicated their lives to figuring you out, and all of us are still helplessly lost. Thousands of people have done genetic testing, extensive research and even invasive therapy to get to the bottom of you, but you stubborn piece of sh*t won’t let anybody in. I don’t know why you chose me and my sister, I really don’t. But if I were to ask you one favor, it would be that you don’t chose my children when I have them.
I know. I am too mad. I shouldn’t be this bitter. You’ve done some great stuff. When I am feeling good, you push me to do things I wouldn’t normally. I’ve achieved great things because of you, namely writing a book in a month (on multiple occasions). I lost sleep and barely ate, but you kept me up and motivated me. When you make me feel down, I have learned to practice my music, so thank you for giving me a reason to rehearse. Without you, my writing and music would not be the same. You inspire me. You really do.
But you still suck. I hope that someday soon, I can stop taking those nasty tasting medications and just greet you like an old friend, but it will be a process. For all of the havoc you’ve caused, it will take a while to forgive you. But I will. We all will. Just give us a chance to understand you and learn.
In the meantime,
F*ck you.
Sincerely,
Someone who is tired of your BS