You may hear someone say they’re “depressed” when referring to their simple frustration about not getting the grade they wanted in English or because of a minor argument they may have had with a significant other. Using this term loosely causes a lot of us to have misconceptions about what real depression is like and may even undermine the mental illness as a whole. Is depression even real? Are people making it up? Isn’t it just a form of sadness? These are the wrong questions to ask. Instead we should be asking what the symptoms of depression are, how it affects the human brain and how to comfort those who have it. During my senior year of high school, I experienced a chemical imbalance in my brain (depression), that caused me to have a lasting feeling of apathy and in that year I lost and disappointed a few people. It’s easy to lose contact and connections with people while you have a mental illness. This letter is to the people I sadly lost during my depression.
To the friends I lost— I will admit that for a long time I was angry. I expected you to reach out, I expected you to understand. I wanted you to go the extra mile and try to comprehend what I was going through. Life was dark for me and you just let go. However, I also contributed to the lost friendship because I, bitterly, didn’t reach out to you, either. On top of this, neither of us communicated with each other, which was definitely the nail in the coffin. I know you were confused by my absence, and trust me, so was I. I seemed distant to you and didn’t know how to communicate the pain and numbness I was feeling. After some time to reflect, I know now that it wasn’t your fault. Depression is an illness of the mind, and I was very, very ill. I’ll always cherish the memories we had together, and after three years, please understand that I don’t place blame on you at all.
To the teachers I let down— I didn’t miss school because I was lazy. I didn’t stop showing up to class because I had “better things” to do. I felt disconnected from my passions and my education. I could not find any logical reason for why I should go anymore. Deep in my core I wanted to be present for my senior year of high school, but my mind and body would not allow me to be. I know I upset a lot of you, and some of you even reached out to give me more than a second chance, but time and time again I let you down. For that, I apologize, but I don’t apologize for the way I dealt with it. I had to go through that hard time to reach the place that I am now—and for that I will never apologize.
To my parents— I know mental illness wasn’t a serious issue for you growing up. Mom, I know Vietnamese culture doesn’t necessarily emphasize the importance of self-love. You are an extremely giving person who would die for your family and for your passions, and you believe that everyone should do the same. Dad, I know you tried to understand the pain I was feeling, and you also tried somewhat to be there for me, but I can tell it was difficult seeing your once happy daughter struggle so hard. I love you both an incredible amount and don’t resent you in any way for the lack of understanding during that time.
And to my old self— this time is hard now, but you’ll blossom. You’ll see the sunlight hidden behind the dullness so soon. Instead of your bed, the first place you’ll want to run to is outside. You won’t have to deal with doctor’s appointments anymore. The people who were disappointed in you will become proud. Most of all, you’ll be proud of yourself.
It’s important to understand that mental health is something we should be constantly taking care of. Depression is a very real disorder and it isn’t just something you “get over,” but it’s something you have to work to fight everyday. I’m so glad I didn’t stop the fight. I hope others who may feel the same way don’t either. Reach out to those who seem distant, smile at strangers and listen to those who express their feelings to you. You never know who you could be saving.
Sincerely,Â
Not the “depressed girl” anymore