The 7 People You Meet at a Tech Party

 
            Walking into a Tech party can be comparable to walking into an episode of The Real World, OK maybe not that extreme, but there are definitely stereotypes that continue to make their way into those Pheasant Run parties.  We’re tired of talking about the frat guy, the athlete, the nerd, etc., etc., etc.  We’re getting down and dirty, Virginia Tech style.  Bring on the stereotypes, the parties, the cuties and the booze.  We’re stereotyping the real creatures that destroy your apartment with Natty cans every Saturday night.
 

The Freshman
            We’re talking about the guy who rolls up with 5 other dudes, each complete with matching Virginia Tech lanyards.  Hey, whatever you have to do to prevent drunkenly losing your dorm key.  Although they wouldn’t survive on an episode of Fashion Police, these guys think they’ve got finding parties down to a tee. (FYI- Following people off the bus does not count as “party hopping”)
            As for the girls, we’re here to call you out.  Equipped with the classic tight, high-waisted black skirt and heels that you’ll regret at 2 a.m. when you’re walking down Patrick Henry.  We’re sorry ladies, but you’re way too easy to spot, hence people yelling “Freshman!” out of cars.
 
The Clinger
            As if the phrase “Stage 5 clinger” hasn’t been used enough, wait till these creepy guys approach you at a keger.  Being asked 2,000 times if you want to be their beer pong partner, flip cup partner, dance partner, etc. should be a dead giveaway to their intentions of getting you drunk enough to steal a smooch or two.  Stay away from the clinger by all means.  If he confuses short answers, ignores conversation and hides behind miscellaneous objects at a party, as playing hard to get, then leave immediately.
 
The Red Shirted Football Player
            Was deciding to wear your VT football sweats to a party based purely off comfort or trying to bag as many ladies as possible?  We’re probably going to go with the latter.  We understand you guys work your butt off on the football field, but when it comes to picking out a proper outfit for a rager, resist the temptation to wear your VT Football sweats.  I don’t care if you scored the winning touchdown, sit the bench, what position you play (or what position you don’t play), I’d rather see you knocking down drinks rather than hearing about you knocking down players.  Leave the bragging at home, boys.
 
Your Best Friend of The Night (even though you don’t remember her name…)
            Ladies this one is for you.  She’s the girl who wants to do everything with you, including being your bathroom partner.  Although you can’t remember her name the next day, she’s your best friend of the night.  Whether she’s taking shots to the face with you or holding your hair up as you’re embracing the porcelain god, she’s your girl.

 
Pseudo-Boyfriend
            Please note “The Clinger” before you read about this lifesaver.  He’s your favorite guy friend or a random babe that you met playing quarters and he’s saving your life one clinger at a time.  If the infamous clinger is following you around, you’ve got to have this boy as a backup.  If the “stage 5” asks you to dance, you can pull the “I have a boyfriend, sorry” card.  Proceed to have this male figure hold your hand, kiss you on the cheek and smother you in the utmost PDA as possible.
 
The Girl Who Gets White Girl Wasted
            This party favorite is always spotted passed out on the couch or dancing on a coffee table in the highest of heels.  She’s the one flailing her arms and singing (or should I say yelling) “Shots, Shots, Shots” as she’s downing vodka, tequila and maybe even a few shots of water (she won’t know the difference).  One minute you will spot her in the corner crying over her ex-boyfriend and the next she’ll be dancing up a storm.  After stumbling, crying, dancing and feeling like she’s the so-called life of the party, she will carried home later.
 
The Cocky Bro
            These are the trust fund babies (guys) who make it a point to brag about their new car or how their salary will resemble a phone number after graduation.  Let’s get this straight, chicks don’t care that your dad recently bought a yacht or sailed to Cabo, unless of course you will be taking us on a vaca.  Although you feel entitled to our attention, we don’t want to discuss your bank account but rather be wooed by your drinking ability.   
 

*The Runner-Ups
 
The Shady Bartender:
He’s the tool that tells you there’s separate drinks for guys and chicks. What is this 1964?  I don’t want to be segregated, and I’d rather not get roofied.  Thanks so much.
 
The Home Wrecker. Literally.
The guy/girl who decides it’s a great idea to spill beer all over your carpet, toss Natty cans on the ground and proceed to break your closet door.  Please leave.
 
 
 
Pictures:
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