Love has always been something in the back of my mind, the goal of finding the ‘one’. As a child, I was raised by a hopeless romantic. I would watch movies of people falling for each other and finding that perfect someone. The one who would go above and beyond for them, the one who always knew the right thing to say. So that was my dream, to find my perfect one. When I entered high school, I thought I would find the perfect person for me….and I didn’t. While I didn’t find my perfect person, I learned a lot about myself and relationships.
Boyfriend Number 1; the ‘First Love’ trope. I will call him Prince Charming. Me and Prince Charming lasted for a total of 3 months; You see with Prince Charming, I met him through mutual friends on a Discord server….embarrassing I know but fourteen-year-old me ate it up. He was a confident Sophomore and was in an unhappy relationship. I was an insecure Freshman and never had a serious relationship. We started as friends and then he broke up with his girlfriend. We progressed and BOOM! Relationship! It was okay, he would listen when I spoke and I really liked that he gave me the attention I had never had before. Not only was he my first official boyfriend but he was also my first kiss. See, you always remember your first kiss regardless of if you enjoyed it or not, it sticks in your head. Anyway, it was a fairytale to me. He was the Prince that would save me from the scary dragon. It was a fairytale until it wasnt. I realized that I had all these expectations for him regarding dates every weekend and constantly being all over each other. In those romance movies you would see people give up careers and their lives for their one truly and I thought true love meant constantly being enthralled with each other. Now looking back, that wasnt healthy and it fostered a negative environment. We were unhappy as we lost ourselves in each other. I learned that a true relationship is knowing that your relationship is strong enough to transpire through distance and it is perfectly normal to have hobbies and a life out of your partner. Prince Charming opened my eyes to that and we broke it off. That was the end to ‘Happily Ever After, Fairytale’ Love I was looking for.
After Boyfriend Number 1, I went and mourned the relationship. It was the mourning of not only Us but mourning the optimistic and starry eyed romantic. This hurt me immensely and I went and sought out comfort. Now enter Boyfriend Number 2…
Boyfriend Number 2; the ‘Friends to Lovers’ trope. I will call him Friend. This man I stuck with this for a total of 9 months and got over him in a month. We met through class as I would come into his classroom because I would finish my assignments way early. We had a lot in common and actually it was cute. Our first official hangout was with his family at Thanksgiving. This was so nerve-wracking but his family was very sweet and he had never been in a serious relationship before so they instantly loved me. This really resonated with me as I am big family person and I love being liked. This relationship was cute, it was sweet, but for some reason, Hopeless Romantic Brooklyn was….unsatisfied. It felt wrong because he did me right, Friend emphasized with me and he was kind but I didn’t feel the ‘spark’. You hear about the spark all the time but what does that exactly mean? No one tells you, they say you just know. I was so desperate to feel that spark it made me upset and I didnt know what to do so that original feelings I had for him fizzled out. I learned from him though that relationships don’t constantly have to have a ‘Spark’. Sometimes its a low lit flame instead, not every romance has to be the same. Not everyone has the same experience. We broke it off in an amicable way and transitioned back to being friends. That was the end to the ‘Spark, Passionate’ Love that I sought out.
After Boyfriend Number 2, I went and became numb. Numb because I felt like something was wrong with me, like how could all those romance movies get it wrong? How could they tell me that a perfect relationship was like this and then go around and say; nope! Thats wrong! Sorry! Moving on, I kept to myself and said that the one for me would come to me at the right time. Call it destiny, call it what you want, here comes in Boyfriend Number 3.
Boyfriend Number 3; the ‘Opposites Attract’ trope. I will call him Genius. We lasted a total of 6 months but it felt like a lifetime to me. This was the most recent and hurt the most so mind me if I get super emotional writing this. Anyway we knew each other from class but never really spoke until one day and we didnt stop talking. I knew talking to him in an instant I wanted to be with him. We got together fairly quick but it felt like a whirlwind. It was senior year and I wanted everything to go right and I wasnt playing games. He was sensible, my rock, he was consistent and steady and what I needed at the time. But while this happened, I felt wrong with him. I felt like he was so much…better. I had to be to HIS standard. I mean he was the math club president, in the honor society, was in the highest level classes, he was perfect. I on the other hand was the wild and loud theatre club president with no filter. I remember he would give me these looks and I would just feel so disgusted with myself. Everytime I talked too loud or was too blunt or would postpone homework it was another thing he would judge. It didn’t help that the girl he had feelings for before me was the perfect standard as well. She was his complete other half…me? I was the opposite to him. They say opposites attract but what if you are too opposite? What if you were judged for your actions? Conversations would change from sweet and random normal stuff to what are you going to do next? What’s your future looking like? This supreme pressure, this standard that I really wanted to match to, it was too much. I felt like I was being pushed to be his trophy, his fixer upper. I learned from that relationship that you can’t change yourself to fit someone, being in a relationship is loving someone for who they are. I shouldn’t have to feel judgment, rather than that I should feel acceptance. Genius broke up with me and I think that there was no other way it would have gone down. It was always our fate. That was the end to ‘Opposites Attract, Yin and Yang’ Love I was looking for.
I haven’t found anyone since him. Sure I have done a few dates but I haven’t had a relationship since. During this time, I have been working on reflecting and looking back onto my past and truly digesting what had happened. After spending this time truly thinking and now as I write this article, I have realized so much…
Those were not “Loves”, they were relationships, and while it hurts me to write this, that’s the truth. I cared for them, but they aren’t something to still be worried about as I am nothing but a distant memory to them. They have grown and now it’s time for me to do so. Thank you, Prince Charming, Friend, and Genius. Thank you for showing me what I needed to know and for helping me learn. This is me mourning you because this is our final goodbye. I am done glamorizing you, and now I am ready to heal and move on. Now I am saying Goodbye to the ‘idealized, picture perfect’ relationships and Hello to the new ‘healthy, flawed’ ones.
