Cady Herron once said, “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” And it’s true…kind of. So if you’ve been wondering how you can make your favorite Disney character costume fit in to that, this article is for you.
Naughty schoolgirl? Hot referee? Sexy nurse? Let’s face it. We all do it. We all have that one or three nights a year where we run around in our push-up bras and peep-toed pumps claiming to be a librarian. No. Just because you’re wearing glasses doesn’t mean you’re smart. And just because I can see your @$$ doesn’t mean you’re cute.
Now I’m not saying any names. Even I’ve been there. I once splurged $60 on a “sexy marine” costume my freshman year so I could woo my real-life marine crush via tagged pictures. Sophomore year, I used this same approach again by dressing as a certain character from Baywatch so I could (*innocently) run around in slow motion in order to get attention from male suitors.
In all seriousness, props to you if you are one of the few who pulled a Lindsay Lohan and dressed up like a “terrifying ex-wife” last October. Unfortunately, I haven’t been a member of the I-don’t-care-what-I’ll-be-this-year club ever since I saw Uma Thurman play Poison Ivy in Batman and Robin. I think I wore a green leotard and heavy green eyeshadow for Halloween three years in a row…I was a pretty sexy third-grader.
But I get it, I get it. Sometimes making a trip to Goodwill and finding a dress with shoulder pads doesn’t cut it (unless you’re aiming to go as one of the Golden Girls). Sometimes you just want to impress that guy you always see in the lounge, one-up that friend you secretly hate, or just carry a free all-you-can-$!ut pass, damnit. The fact of the matter is people will be judging you based on your costume, whether you care or not. Pulling the old “well, this is classy compared to what she’s gonna wear…” is juvenile. The whole “yeah it’s see-through, but it’ll be dark out,” never works. I guarantee you, you will go out that night thinking you look hot and then spend the rest of your morning untagging yourself, hoping your mother doesn’t get on Facebook first.
But here I am. Not as your mother, but as your extremely honest best friend—simply the heart-to-heart in the bathroom every Saturday night friend. And you ask me what you should be for Halloween? Well ladies, and gents, here are some costumes DON’TS to consider this October.
1. The classic “not wearing a costume as a costume” guy. You ask, “What are you supposed to be?” His response: “I’m drunk!” Usually a bro answers with this while holding up a red solo cup and mouthing the words to “Wagon Wheel.” Run.
2. The oversized genitalia guy. Virgin. Stage-five clinger. Run faster.
3. A slutty bumblebee. A sexy bug? Really? Bees are actually the scariest things in the world to me. Especially large, drunk ones at risk for nip slips.
4. Risky Business. Yes, it may be cheap and easy, but it’s just an excuse to wear an oversized man shirt with your bra hanging out. Cute.
5. Harry Potter. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been a fan. Malfoy is hot. But guys, dressing like a wizard who can’t cure his own eyesight or get laid should only be limited to midnight premieres.
6. Wearing lingerie. It’s 45-degrees outside. You’re telling me you’re “Bedtime Barbie?” Who are you and who moved the rock?
7. “Too-smart, obscure costume” guy. “Who are you?” “Oh I’m Claudius from Shakespeare’s Hamlet.” Bro, you look like Burger King. Leave.
8. Lady Gaga. She may be original but your costume is not. Go put on some pants.
9. Naughty School girl. I must confess, I am guilty of passing off my old daily uniform as a costume. My bad, Sister Anne.
10. Sexy _______. Fill in the blank. Sexy cop. Sexy crayon. Sexy baby. Just don’t forget your sexy lanyard, noob.