If you have never heard of a friendship breakup, I can assure you that it is exactly what it sounds like; an often devastating end to a relationship between friends, as opposed to romantic partners. The difference with a friendship breakup, however, is that while it sometimes can result from a heated argument or moral disagreement, it can just as easily be a situation where you simply drift apart from each other. Eventually, you reach a point where you realize the friendship is lost, and you can’t exactly pin down why it happened. Arguably, that is a harder pill to swallow than an obvious, angry friendship breakup; not knowing what went wrong can be a lot harder to make sense of and leave many questions unanswered. Friendship breakups, like romantic breakups, can be painful and incredibly difficult to cope with. They can also be quite impactful and transformative to us as people. I want to offer a few lessons I have personally taken away from my experiences with friendship breakups, in the hopes that they might help guide someone struggling with similar things.
- Lesson 1: Self-Discovery
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One thing I have learned in my experience with friendship breakups is that they often lead to introspection. When a friendship starts to feel shaky and I know there isn’t a future for it, I ask myself why that is. What did not align between myself and this person? Is it a question of values and needs? Is it a lack of time spent together? Do we prioritize different things? All of these questions help us reflect on who we are as people and what is important to us. When you have faith in the things you seek in a friendship, and the other person does not meet those standards, it is okay to let them go. Putting yourself first is healthy, and surrounding yourself with people who align with your values is essential for personal growth and happiness.
- Lesson 2: Boundaries
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I would argue that recognizing and setting boundaries in a friendship is crucial for its success. While figuring out how to implement them might feel strange, they ultimately help foster mutual respect and understanding. Oftentimes, friendships will dissolve because one person fails to respect the boundaries set by the other person. Boundaries can range in levels of seriousness, but at the end of the day, your friend should take them seriously. You should never feel scared to express your feelings and explain the boundaries that you want present in a friendship; if you genuinely believe that doing so would put the friendship at risk, maybe it is not a friendship that is worth having. Having boundaries is an important aspect of healthy relationships, and ensuring that you are friends with people who respect them can strengthen those connections.
- Lesson 3: Quality Over Quantity
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One of the most important lessons in my opinion, that can be applied to almost any situation, is the idea of quality over quantity. Having a few meaningful relationships with friends who you know will be there for you unconditionally is far more fulfilling than having a multitude of “friendships” with people who don’t truly know or understand you. This can become quite prevalent in the process of losing a friendship; in my own experience with friendship breakups, it absolutely made me realize that I would rather have deep bonds with a few people than superficial relationships with many people. Trying to maintain friendships in which there is not an equal amount of time and energy invested by the other person is exhausting, and it is rarely rewarding. It is simply not worth it to try to keep those friendships afloat.
- Lesson 4: Embracing Change
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This is a lesson that I am still working towards accepting; I have a lot of difficulty with change, even though I know it is a natural part of life and relationships. Going through friendship breakups has definitely shown me that while change can be hard to accept, it is not inherently negative. Sometimes in the wake of losing one friendship, we strengthen another. It might lead us to the formation of new friendships, or maybe even to the rekindling of an old one. At the end of the day, embracing change can open the door to new connections and personal growth; it is important to remember that every ending can also be seen as a new beginning.
- Lesson 5: Forgiveness
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Last, but certainly not least, is the lesson of forgiveness. This goes for the friend involved in the breakup, as well as for yourself. It is so important to be forgiving when a friendship falls apart; as difficult as forgiveness may sometimes be, holding on to resentment towards others or yourself can prevent you from moving forward in your life. Recognizing that you are not to blame and that sometimes friendships simply do not work out, is crucial in allowing yourself to heal. It can be easy to fall into a spiral of wondering what you did wrong that caused the friendship to end; however, it is important to remember that relationships are complex and sometimes change in ways we can’t control.Â
If you are experiencing a friendship breakup, make sure to give yourself grace; they can be incredibly difficult to navigate. Remind yourself that you are not alone, and that the evolution of relationships is a natural part of life. The people who are meant to be in your life will stay. Trust that this process will allow you to recognize what is important to you, and will therefore lead to the building of meaningful relationships in the future.Â