We all have that one friend we go to for all of our advice. They’re usually the ones who we think have all the answers and have their entire life put together. They’re the person who pulls us out of our dark places and shows us the light within ourselves still shines. But, what happens when you’re that friend? What do you do if you’re the friend that everyone thinks “has it together” even though that couldn’t be further from the truth? I want to speak to that friend and let you know you’re not alone.
I’ve always been referred to as “the strong friend.” Externally, I placed myself into the role of “the friend who has it all together,” and masked anything I was going through at all times. I’d deal with my problems on my own and wouldn’t ask for help. I kept repeating over and over again in my mind that “I have to be the strong one, the one who helps everyone else.” But as time progressed, it became more apparent how detrimental and unhealthy that thought is for my mental health and my relationship with my friends. I felt myself becoming bitter because my perception was that I had no one to hold me up when I felt like my world was falling apart. If I was supposed to be the one who had it all together, who was I going to turn to when I couldn’t hide the fact that I didn’t?
Then, at my lowest point, I came to the realization that I’m human, and I needed to start taking care of myself. The friend that has it all together, doesn’t exist. We’re all human and need someone to lean on when standing on our own becomes unbearable.
I’m speaking to THAT friend when I say your image is unrealistic and that it’s something that you need to break out of. Here’s my advice to the friend who needs to break through that facade of having everything together:
Transparency is Key: Be honest with your friends! If you’re having an off day, tell them! If you’re having a hard time, be open. Even if you don’t feel comfortable with sharing exactly what you’re going through, you still don’t need to hide it. Although we like to think that we’re a locked door that no one can open, the people closest to us know us best. Nine times out of ten, if you’re going through a difficult time, you’re friends feel it and see it, so lying to them is only going to make things worse. A healthy friendship includes being transparent even in the moments where it’s the hardest. You don’t want to create negative energy because of your pride! Start by peeling back layers because the wall needs to come down.
Be Honest With Yourself: Not only is it critical that you’re honest with your friends, but it’s also important to be honest with yourself. Convincing yourself that you’re fine every day is bound to drive you to your breaking point. Breakdowns occur when we keep everything bottled inside, and it may only take one little thing to push you over the edge. When it feels like all of life’s events are just hitting you at once, take the time to pause and evaluate your situation. The quicker you are honest with yourself, the better you’ll be able to take inventory of your emotions and take a productive path towards healing. Don’t be afraid to say to yourself, “you know what, I don’t have it all together.”
Don’t Be Afraid to Say “No”: Sometimes it’s okay to be selfish! At the end of the day, someone gets hurt when you say yes to too many things at once. If you know that you already have too much going on, feel free to take a day for yourself! Maybe you say no to going out with friends or skip a club meeting for a night. When choosing between everyone else and your mental health, choose your mental health! You are the only one who knows truly when life becomes too much for you, and in an overwhelmed state, you’re no help to anyone. So take that time to regroup and focus on yourself. However, try not to just disappear. Communicate with your friends and/or anyone else involved. Don’t hesitate to make it clear that although you’re usually the one they come to for guidance, you need some time to yourself.
Remind Yourself That You Can’t Fix Everything: It’s not your job to fix every issue that someone talks to you about. Most likely, their problems are beyond what you have the ability to control, and just being a listening ear is help enough. Don’t blame yourself if you can’t make your friend’s issues go away, because they probably don’t expect you to be able to. Be their shoulder to cry on, but don’t expect them to finish a conversation with you completely healed, because you don’t always have that ability. It’s okay to come to terms with the fact that “I can’t fix this.”
To the friend who “has it all together,” it’s okay to not have it all together. The fact is that nobody is completely put together 24/7. Don’t go to the ends of the Earth trying to convince yourself and others that you are perfect. Life happens to everyone, and in those times, your friends are there to lean on. Give them the chance to be the friend to you that you are to them. In a healthy friendship, all parties provide equal support and comfort to each other, don’t miss out on that opportunity by trying to live up to an impossible identity.