As mental health awareness has become more of a topic of discussion over the years, it hasn’t made the struggle and day-to-day activities any easier to actually voice out loud. While some find comfort in knowing that others struggle with similar issues, sometimes it can make my internal guilt worse and creates even more questions doubting my emotions. Why do I have to struggle this way when I don’t have a “real reason” to be upset? Why do I torture my body when I have healthier coping mechanisms? Why can’t I honestly talk to people when I’m laughing the loudest in the room? These were questions that I had honest and rational answers to; it’s just that my mind wasn’t allowing me to follow them. The mental block was so strong, and the fog so thick— it seemed like I couldn’t see past the negativity.
Due to a series of unfortunate events, I developed mental health issues at the age of 13, including depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. Dealing with all of that is hard enough, but not having the support system needed to help me heal made the struggle even harder. Growing up in an immigrant family, their version of teaching me how to handle mental health or struggling with those issues are not important, and that it has more to do with the person being weak or overly sensitive; I remember dealing with this all too well, with extended family members explaining to me that it was only a phase, that I was being more dramatic than I needed to be, and it wasn’t worth making a big deal out of this spell of sadness.
I had begun to feel alone and scared, worrying about everything around me, and how everyone would perceive me. It was terrifying to think that my secrets would be exposed, internal wounds reopened and locking my trust away in order to avoid hurting myself and others. I was scared to exist as my true and authentic self and was always unwilling to explain the internal turmoil I was constantly experiencing.
I have had to take matters into my own hands and learn how to deal with and handle my depressive episodes and anxious spells, as well as remind myself not to fall into old habits where my physical health is at risk. I’ve been able to have these discussions with those closest to me, and have begun to take matters into my own hands regarding treatments and learning new coping mechanisms.
Now that I’ve gotten older and learned what I need to do in order to take care of myself, I feel stronger and more confident than I ever have been, and this is a new feeling to me. I never knew that I could feel powerful taking care of myself; though I continue to struggle every so often, and have moments where I relapse into old habits, I have surrounded myself with people who truly care about me and my wellbeing, while having professional help as well. While I used to be so shy and worried about what it would mean, I’ve come to realize that treatment is meant for one person—me—and no one else.
To anyone who struggles with their mental health, but doesn’t feel like they have the support or strength to do it yourself, I promise you that you can do it. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, you’re more worthy than you think, and yes, this shall pass, and though it won’t be easy, you will be able to get through it. For more support, I highly recommend going to visit Cook Counseling Center here at VT and find a community that helps support you when you feel low.
