Thanksgiving: The most well-mannered holiday with the most questionable food.
I planned this article to be a “tier list” of my favorite Thanksgiving foods, but I think I’m too much of a hater to produce an agreeable ranking. Instead, I will critique every edible Thanksgiving substance I can find and rank them on a scale of S, A, B, C, D, F, where S means “I love this and have zero issues with it” and F means “I’m offended by the existence of this.”
SAUCES
Cranberry sauce — My ranking: D
From my experience, cranberry sauce consistently tastes like diabetes in a can (no offense, diabetics!), has a weird texture, and doesn’t particularly taste like cranberries. I generally avoid it. I’m unsure what the correct way to eat it is—and I don’t think anyone else knows either. I’ve seen people eat it on bread, which makes sense, but I’ve also seen people mix it into their turkey and mashed potatoes. Why?!
Gravy  — My ranking: F
I know this is a touchy subject for some people, but I must get it off my chest: I hate gravy. I have always hated gravy. I don’t know what it’s made of, but everything from its appearance to its texture is simply horrendous. It has a sad, gray-brown color, a weirdly thick consistency, and a strange, fatty, meaty flavor. I don’t understand its appeal at all.
SIDE DISHES
Bread — My ranking: B
B for Bread! I think Thanksgiving bread is good, but nothing special. I like to eat one or two rolls with strawberry jam to supplement my Thanksgiving dinner, as I avoid most other Thanksgiving foods. On any other day, though, I probably wouldn’t go for bread and jam as a side dish.
Green bean casserole — My ranking: A
Green bean casserole SLAPS! Honestly, it may be the best Thanksgiving food. I can confidently say that I have, without fail, eaten at least one entire plate of green bean casserole every Thanksgiving. My only gripe is that it is extraordinarily unhealthy.
Mashed potatoes — My ranking: C
I don’t like mashed potatoes, but I don’t hate them either. Respectfully, mashed potatoes are the most mediocre Thanksgiving food. They don’t have any flavor (unless they were salted well, in which case the flavor is “mushy salt”) and the texture is baby food-like. Even when they’re made well, they’re “just okay” in my book.
Stuffing — My ranking: D
The hype around stuffing perplexes me. My mom tells me that homemade stuffing is the highlight of Thanksgiving, but I don’t really understand why. It’s like someone over spiced and over baked bread pudding after accidentally dropping sausage in it. Also, is it not super weird to eat sausage with turkey? (I wouldn’t know, I don’t eat red meat).
Cornbread  — My ranking: B
Cornbread is just like regular bread except the texture and flavor are completely different. So, I guess it’s not at all like regular bread. Regardless, they’re both B for Bread because they are both decent, but not amazing. I’ve heard that in the same way, regular bread is improved with jam, and cornbread is improved with honey. Unfortunately, I don’t like honey, so I eat cornbread with butter. It’s not bad, but I don’t necessarily look forward to it, either.
Corn — My ranking: F
Corn and peas are the worst vegetables, and I will not take any criticism. You are free to pick apart anything else I’ve said—I’d encourage you to actually! I’ve heard Thanksgiving food is quite popular. But you’re not allowed to disagree with this. Corn and peas are like the demonic version of boba. When you eat them, they explode into a weird, bitter-but-kind-of-sweet liquid, and it is just horrible. If I wanted to ingest a bitter-but-kind-of-sweet liquid, I would just drink coffee! I don’t like coffee, either, but coffee is WAY better than corn and peas.
Scalloped potatoes/potatoes au gratin  — My ranking: A
I know these are two completely different dishes, but they have the same vibe, and they’re both equally amazing. They’re just as good as green bean casserole, and they are some of the only dishes I look forward to on Thanksgiving. From what I’ve seen, it’s hard to mess up these dishes; they somehow always taste good!
MAIN COURSES
Turkey — My ranking: C
Turkey and mashed potatoes share the unique quality of being the most recognizable Thanksgiving foods and being the most mediocre Thanksgiving foods. Turkey is somehow dry every time it’s cooked, no matter how skilled the chef is, and it has no flavor. The skin sometimes has flavor, but it most commonly just adds a slight, rubbery/papery texture. I can only enjoy the dark meat part of turkey—it feels less like a desert in my mouth. I was going to say it feels less like the planet Arrakis in my mouth, but at least Arrakis has spice.
Duck — My ranking: S
Earlier in my list, I declared green bean casserole and scalloped/au gratin potatoes as the best Thanksgiving foods. Technically, that’s still true. Duck is not a traditional Thanksgiving food, so I’m not counting it as one. I am listing it, however, because after much protesting from my stepdad and me, my mom is going to make duck confit for Thanksgiving! Huzzah! Finally, an S-tier food on Thanksgiving. I’m very thankful for it!
PIES
Pumpkin pie  — My ranking: B
Pumpkin pie is quite good! As I’ve gotten older, though, I’ve begun enjoying it less. As a kid, I loved it because of the sweet, spiced pumpkin flavor, but as an adult, I’m more distracted by the soggy crust and toothache-inducing cool whip often spread atop it. That’s not to say I dislike sweets, because I don’t, I just wouldn’t eat pie every day.
Apple pie  — My ranking: A
When I was a child, I preferred pumpkin pie to apple pie, hands down. As an adult, I prefer apple pie to pumpkin pie, hands down. It’s the perfect level of sweetness, the latticework is beautiful, and the texture is perfect. The bits of apple reminds me of the homemade applesauce my mom made for me as a kid that I would always burn my tongue on trying to eat before it cooled down. Overall, apple pie is the most nostalgic, happy dessert, and I like it very much.
Pecan pie  — My ranking: C
I’ve tasted pecan pie exactly once in my life, so I feel qualified to label it “mediocre at best.” The bite I had reminded me of raw cookie dough. Not only in flavor but also in texture. It kind of tasted like a sludge of granulated sugar and vanilla—there was no real “pecan” flavor. Also, the arguments people get into about whether to call it pee-can or puh-cahn are quite monotonous.
CONCLUSION
Thanksgiving food is mostly bad. Just kidding, that’s merely my opinion. Lots of people think Thanksgiving food is amazing! Regardless of my thoughts on the food, I’m glad we celebrate the holiday. It’s a wonderful time to get together as a family and remind ourselves of all the things we have to be grateful for.
Have an amazing Thanksgiving!