TW: This article contains details of rape and sexual consent
Consent culture normalises the narrative of sex in which both parties mutually agree to what is happening. It is unfortunate that such a culture must exist in order for this to be the case, but it has helped many come forward about their struggles with consent.
In school and growing up, I was constantly told of the importance of the word “no” and how to say it when I felt uncomfortable. It can sometimes be difficult to say how you feel in the moment, but even the use of uncomfortable body language should be enough. Sometimes, though, that initial refusal can be warped.
One sector of consent that should be explored more thoroughly though is the use of coercion to force sexual relations with someone. This is often not classed as ‘rape’, the term appearing too harsh for such an act. But coercion is still having sex without full consent and victims should not be made to feel that their experiences are any less valid.
What is coercion and how to recognise it?
The Office on Women’s Health defines sexual coercion as “unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a non-physical way.”
Whether you feel you are being coerced or you are worried you have used coercion, there is one simple way to tell if it is happening. You should only have to say no once. If someone doesn’t agree to sex and is then asked again and again, or made to feel guilty for not taking part, they are being coerced to change their mind. At this point, the victim may start to feel as though they have to take part, that they are being annoying or prudish for saying no. But this is not the case.
What’s the difference between coercion and getting someone ‘in the mood’?
It should be clear if someone doesn’t want to have sex, they will say so with their words or their body language. But sometimes people like the chase. If you are unsure whether someone seriously doesn’t want to have sex or if they are messing around, just ask them! It is always better to be sure. Try something like, “Would you like me to ask again?” or “If that’s a no I’ll stop then!”. If someone really wants to have sexual relations with you, they will probably stop playing at this point as they know they might miss their chance! It’s always better to stop if you are unsure.
What if I am in a long-term relationship?
This makes no difference! If you have been with someone a long time you do not owe them sex. If someone who is supposed to care for you makes you feel guilty for not sleeping with them, then it is time to reassess how much they care. Of course, some couples will have conversations about what they consent to in the long run and what they do not, but to coerce your long-term partner into anything they are uncomfortable with is just as bad as if you had just met them.
How often should I ask for consent?
Every. Single. Time. This doesn’t ‘kill the mood’ or ‘ruin the pace’ it simply makes sure that everyone is ok. A simple “would you like to” or “can I” can actually be very stimulating and will make your partner feel at ease. If you are both comfortable it will make the whole thing so much better.
Some phrases to look out for to recognise coercion:
- Constant asking, resembling begging (repeated use of the word please)
- Emotional blackmail – “If you loved me, you would do it.”
- Fear of losing them – “If you don’t have sex with me, I’ll break up with you/I’ll find someone who will.”
- Threaten to reveal something about you if you don’t
- Promise a reward for doing it – “I’ll get you something nice if you do this small thing for me.”
- Acting as if they deserve it – “After everything I’ve done for you…”
- Making you feel bad for them – “I’ve had a really bad day… You could help but you’re choosing not to.”
If you feel you have been coerced or recognise this behaviour, know that your feelings are valid, and it is never too late to leave a situation or ask for help. There are many sites with further information on this topic and some have been listed below:
About Sexual Assault | National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC)
Sexual coercion | Office on Women’s Health (womenshealth.gov)
Sexual coercion, feeling obligated or forced – Women’s Health Matters (womenshealthmatters.org.au)
It is so important that we start including coercion in the conversation about consent because sometimes, sadly, one “no” isn’t enough.