Ever since arriving at Warwick, almost two years ago, Iāve heard a lot about āI Heart Consentā workshops, with coverage in many articles and the Warwick Anti-Sexism Society club night āCanāt Touch Thisā, being a female fronted, queer friendly, zero-tolerance on harassment club night – this is an incredible night and raises so much money for Coventry Rape and Sexual Abuse Centre (CRSAC). However, I would hope, think even, that all club nights were zero tolerance on harassment, on the societyās official tumblr it states āany incidents of harassment result in the harasser being removed with no questions asked.ā then goes on to say āthe owners of the venue are considering enforcing it themselves!ā. This is of course a very positive step but why isnāt think the case anyway. Any person who feels uncomfortable in a club should be able to report whoever is making them feel that way and trust that it will be taken seriously, without the situation having to escalate.
For example, when I was in a club back home over the Easter break a friend of mine watched a man follow me from the dance floor to the bar and when he tried to touch me, putting his arms around me, she came over and got in the way, realising I hadnāt noticed him following me, he then tried it on with her, causing our other friends to come over and after a while of the man not letting up a fight broke out – thankfully my friends and I were allowed to stay and enjoy the night; the man was escorted out but if the bouncers had not taken our claims seriously it could have been that we were kicked out.
More recently, consent and how it is viewed, by everyone, has become a lot more important to me – obviously I always cared but when something affects you, yourself, you care in a very different way. A few experiences in the last term or so have made me realise how I have always had a struggle with consent and dealing with people not accepting no to mean no. Despite being a moderately sexually confident person, I still find it difficult to say no, I am so concerned about hurting my partnerās feelings and them thinking Iām stupid or frigid, that I will put their feelings above my own, and Iām sure many other women have similar anxieties. I have found myself feeling obliged to sexually interact with people before Iām ready to or on days where I simply donāt want to, because āheās a nice guy and Iāve done things with people I like a lot lessā, āI did the same thing whilst drunk last weekā or even āI guess that I donāt really mind [going down on him/having sex/whatever], it doesnāt really bother me and itād make him happy so I might as wellā all of which should never be reasons that you engage in sex with someone – have sex as casually, kinkily and as often as you like just as long as you both want it and are not just having it because it isnāt that much of an inconvenience. The fact Iām 20 and still think that itās easier to go down on someone than let them down is why I, and anyone who has a similar thought process, need to go to consent workshops.
Another reason why these workshops and the consent conversation is so incredibly important and needs to be an open dialogue is to understand what ārapeā is and that more people do it than you imagine. Experiences are difficult to share but I know it is so important, so below is the reason I have written this article, Iāve tried to leave out as many feelings as possible and recount the actions as they happened:
I was at Pop! with my course mates and Jack (name changed to protect privacy) was there, Jackās in the year above, weāve known him for a year, I trust him, weāre friends, I fancy him. Weāre dancing together, weāre both drunk, I lean in and kiss him, and he kisses back. We stop and dance some more – he doesnāt look well so I offer him my water that I got from the bar not long before and ask him if he wants to head outside, we go outside to get some air, he goes to the toilet and asks me to wait outside for him. Itās cold and it feels like heās gone forever. He looks a lot better when heās back, cuddles me to keep me warm and then just launches himself on me, Iām confused but enjoying it – this is what I wanted. Weāre making out and he says letās get out of here and leads me from the smoking area through the SU, and then we head home following me asking āare you sure?ā and him saying āletās face it we both know what this is, youāre coming back with meā. We walk to Canley, I live in Leamington, and we both know I canāt get home if I wanted to, not until the buses start again in the morning. At least I have my bag.
We get to his house and the first thing that hits me is the strong smell of weed. I was already doubting this decision and trying to figure out if I can head back to uni before the last bus goes. I decide against it, I like Jack, Jackās my friend, I trust Jack. His room is an awful mess, the sheet isnāt on the bed properly, thereās only one pillow, I donāt think he even shut the door until I ask him to.
We got to his room and after a while Iām finally in the mood, I ask if he has any condoms, he doesnāt but he does have a āweāll cross that bridge when it comes to itā attitude – I later find out he doesnāt often ejaculate and so deems them unnecessary – flawed logic but I carry on anyway and we have some very mediocre drunk sex leaving neither of us satisfied but both too tired to go on. Within 10 minutes he turns to me and tells me he has a girlfriend but that itās ok, itās an open relationship. Had this been a one night stand I donāt think Iād be too hurt but I know Jack and I thought Iād know something like that. He understands that heās hurt my feelings and attempts to reassure me with a āif I was single though, Iād definitely date youāā¦
We both go to sleep.
6am comes and heās all over me again. I think it might be better than last night and let it happen. It isnāt, Iām in pain and I ask Jack to stop. āJust two more minutes pleaseā. Too tired to force him off me and so resigned into self-hatred knowing he has a girlfriend I passively lay there mustering the courage to ask him to stop again. Eventually he gets bored and stops. We go back to sleep.
Thinking back I wonder why I havenāt left yet. Busses run this early.
When we wake up again I know we need to leave soon and he tries again and when I say no and that Iām too tired he moans that he hasnāt finished and asks if it was that bad. Feeling guilty and obliged, we have sex again.
We head back into uni with him, him moaning that he has āblue ballsā and asking me if we can walk into the department separately.Ā
I feel sick thinking about the whole event, I hate myself for not speaking up for myself a bit better and not giving my doubts more thought, but I do know a large proportion of what happened isnāt my fault and what hurts the most is that it was someone I trusted, that I have to see every now and again, that I have to actively walk a different way because Iām scared heāll be there. Since this happened I have shared what happened with a few people, all of whom have told me to report it but when it comes down to it, I know how hard Jack has worked to get to where he is and I donāt want to jeopardise that, I know Iām lucky that I know heāll be graduating in a few months and the chances are Iāll never see him again. Nearing the end of term two I bumped into Jack on a night out and confronted him, asked him if he knew what he did really hurt me and isnāt in any way at all. He had no idea.
This is troubling and people should know that they can speak up for themselves; that they are worth more than what this person thinks of them. This is why I think the Disrespect Nobody campaign using talking body parts to talk about relationship abuse (seen on Channel 4, aired on national radio and in other accessible places) is so important and making this dialogue, that I have spoken about, far more open and really drives the message across. However, there is some issues with it that I have noticed – it only focuses on heterosexual relationships with the male being in the position of power. Clearly this is not the case and everyone should know that they can speak out about relationship abuse but at least it is a start but this campaign has made me incredibly aware of gender representations – and is why Iāve illustrated this article with gender neutral peas.
Letās face it, sex is best between two (or more, whatever youāre into!) happy, consenting parties, so stay safe, have fun and only ever do things that you are comfortable with!
Ā
Useful Links:
http://www.crasac.org.uk/; https://www.disrespectnobody.co.uk/